4.30.2016

Hillary Vetting FBI Agents Investigating Her for E-mail Server

LAST UPDATED @ 2:43PM (4.30.2016)

Hillary Clinton is vetting the FBI agents investigating her to make sure they cannot be blackmailed by politically-motivated individuals leveraging sensitive personal information about them.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the campaign of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton confirmed reports the Democratic presidential frontrunner was vetting the FBI agents investigating her use of a private e-mail server while she headed the State Department. The campaign asserted it wanted to make sure the people investigating Clinton were fair and incapable of being blackmailed by nefarious political actors utilizing unpleasant information about their personal lives.

"Secretary Clinton wants to make sure she is being investigated by those who have solid ethical backgrounds that lack any embarrassing personal baggage politically-motivated individuals could use against them," explained Brett Slayermen, a senior Clinton campaign aide.

4.28.2016

Trump Vetting "Military Expert" Cap'n Crunch for Vice President

LAST UPDATED @ 1:55PM (4.28.2016)

Donald Trump is considering Cap'n Crunch as his running mate after weeks of Crunch providing him with superior foreign policy advice.

Cap'n Crunch | Wikipedia
Donald Trump's possible running mate. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential frontrunner and small-handed billionaire Donald Trump confirmed reports his campaign was vetting Cap'n Crunch to be his running mate. Trump declared Crunch was his primary foreign policy adviser, and had earned his respect over the last few weeks.

"Cap'n Crunch is an amazing military leader, and just a hugely great guy. I believe he served in Afghanistan, and maybe Shangri-La, or something like that," explained Trump.

4.27.2016

Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina Running Mates for Something

LAST UPDATED @ 8:03PM (4.27.2016)

Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina claim they are running mates, but Americans are unaware of what they are running for.

http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/can-carly-fiorina-save-ted-cruzs-candidacy/
Screenshot of U.S. SenatorTed Cruz (left) and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina (right).

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced they were running mates for something. Americans across the country tried to figure out what the two were running mates for, as it is mathematically impossible for Cruz to win the Republican presidential nomination, which Fiorina quit pursuing in February.

"The announcement that Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina are running mates really surprised me. Now I am more confused than anything, and the rest of the country is right there with me," explained Republican strategist Mark Kinness.

4.26.2016

Trump Wins Big with Americans Regretting Not Growing Up in 1930s Germany

LAST UPDATED @ 8:50PM (4.26.2016)

Donald Trump pledges to blame socialists and Democrats when the Capitol Building is burned down shortly after he becomes president.

Reichstag Fire | Wilkipedia
The Reichstag was the victim of arson on 2.27.1933. The Nazis used the fire to suspend civil liberties..

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and fascism-friendly billionaire Donald Trump dominated primary elections in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. In all five states, Trump also won the support of nearly 80% of Americans that regretted not growing up in 1930s Germany.

"Say what you will about Hitler and the Nazis; they knew what it took to make their country great again. They didn't play any games, or allow themselves to be picked on by the press," said Trump.

4.24.2016

Turkish President Erdoğan Jails 10 Year Old for Sticking Tongue Out at Him

LAST UPDATED @ 10:52AM (4.24.2016)

President Erdoğan jails a 10-year-old boy for being a child, arrests members of the press for asking about it.

Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoğan
In 2013, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan was Prime Minister of Turkey.

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan ordered a 10-year-old boy be arrested and jailed. The notoriously thin-skinned Erdoğan had the boy jailed for sticking his tongue out at him.

"I was being driven around Ankara looking for things to be offended by when a child on the left side of the road smiled, stuck his tongue out at me, and then tried to flee the scene," explained Erdoğan.

4.23.2016

Maine Gov. LePage to Eliminate All State Emergency Services

LAST UPDATED @ 2:39PM (4.23.2016)

Governor LePage says Maine will stop wasting money on services that prolong lives rather than saving lives  forever.

Maine Governor Paul LePage. (Above) (Photo: AP)

AUGUSTA, MAINE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Governor of Maine Paul LePage (R) declared he would be pushing to eliminate all of the state's emergency services after vetoing a bill to increase access to the overdose antidote drug Narcan. LePage claimed police departments, fire departments, and emergency medical services (EMS) were costly, and served only to prolong lives rather than save them forever.

"I have fired all law enforcement, fire department, and EMS employees in Maine. Saving someone in Maine from being assaulted, or from a fire, or from a heart attack does not save lives, it just prolongs them," declared Lepage.

4.21.2016

Trump to Cut Size and Cost of Gov't by Firing Congress, Supreme Court

LAST UPDATED @ 3:27PM (4.21.2016)

Donald Trump says he will reduce the size and cost of the federal government by firing Congress and the Supreme Court, and seizing their powers.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential frontrunner and megalomaniac billionaire Donald Trump unveiled his plan to cut the size and cost of the federal government. Trump pledged to make government more responsive and efficient by firing Congress and the Supreme Court, and seizing all of their federal powers as president.

"It's insane how many branches of government we have in this crooked country. I think there's three, and I can't name any of them, and maybe that's the point. The government is so huge that I can't figure out how it works, or what any part of it does," declared Trump to a cheering crowd of civically ignorant patriots.

4.20.2016

Obama Visits Saudi Arabia for Feedback on Weapons Sold to Kingdom

 LAST UPDATED @ 8:15PM (4.20.2016)

President Obama visits Saudi Arabia to make sure the weapons America sold the kingdom are satisfactory to the brutal regime.

Saudi F-15
A Saudi F-15. (Above) (Public Domain Image)

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama arrived in Saudi Arabia to get feedback on the weapons Washington had sold to the kingdom. Obama declared he was simply following up on the record-breaking sale of arms to the Saudis, which the president hoped to expand in exchange for the kingdom's friendship.

"America needs to make sure the weapons it is selling Saudi Arabia are helping the kingdom stifle the most basic freedoms inside its despotic kingdom, and allow it to better support Sunni extremists around the world," announced Obama, who noted Hillary Clinton aggressively sold weapons to the Saudis as U.S. Secretary of State.

4.19.2016

Thousands of New Yorkers Registered as Automatic Hillary Voters

LAST UPDATED @ 10:40AM (4.19.2016)

Thousands of New Yorkers arrive at polling place to be told they had already voted for Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

ALBANY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, thousands of New Yorkers arrived at polling places across their state to be told they had already voted in the Democratic presidential primary. The voters were informed they had changed their voter registration to automatically vote for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, which they had simply forgotten about.

"I thought people would be happy to hear they had already voted when they arrived to vote, but pretty much all of them were extremely angry," confessed Albany poll worker Peggy Simcoe, a Clinton supporter.

4.18.2016

Saudi Arabia Threatens to Break up with America if it Digs into 9/11

LAST UPDATED @ 9:57PM (4.18.2016)

Saudi Arabia warns the United States their relationship is at risk if Congress does not stop asking questions about the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

September 11th Attacks | Wikipedia
Saudi Arabia wants the United States to forget about the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
(Public Domain Image)

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Saudi Arabia threatened to break up with the United States if Congress continued to ask questions about the Saudi role in the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks. Saudi Arabia claimed the United States was obsessed with the subject, and their relationship was being strained by its lack of trust in the kingdom.

"I don't know how much longer we can continue our relationship with the United States if Congress wants to start digging into ancient history and declassify information regarding our role in 9/11," stated Saudi Arabia's King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud.

4.17.2016

Hillary Clinton Now Supports $27 Federal Minimum Wage

LAST UPDATED @ 4:34PM (4.17.2016)

Hillary Clinton says she now supports a $27 federal minimum wage, which she hopes will end the candidacy of Bernie Sanders.


Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she supported raising the federal minimum wage to $27 an hour. Clinton's sole rival, U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, accused her of lying, as well as stealing and magnifying his positions in order to win the Democratic presidential nomination.

"When I become president, the federal minimum wage will be $27 an hour. Working families in America will finally get the raises my largest donors are primarily responsible for withholding from them over the last four decades," promised Clinton.

4.16.2016

Drunk Lindsey Graham Accepts Republican Presidential Nomination

 LAST UPDATED @ 12:58PM (4.16.2016)

An inebriated U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham humbly accepts the Republican presidential nomination.


Lindsey Graham | Wikipedia
U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham (R). (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, former 2016 Republican presidential candidate U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina accepted the Republican presidential nomination. An inebriated Graham gave his acceptance speech at what he claimed was the Corinth Tavern in Seneca, South Carolina.

"I just received calls from Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, who both conceded the Republican presidential nomination to me," declared a slurring Lindsey Graham, who held a mint julep in his left hand and a bottle of Jim Beam in his right.

4.14.2016

Donald Trump to be Rebel Alliance President in Next Star Wars Movie

LAST UPDATED @ 4:40PM (4.14.2016)

Donald Trump confirms he will play Rebel Alliance President Donald Trump in Star Wars: Episode VIII, and destroy the Skywalker family.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential frontrunner and sensitive billionaire Donald Trump confirmed reports he will play the character of Rebel Alliance President Donald Trump in Star Wars: Episode VIII. Trump announced he would "make the galaxy great again" and destroy the political, economic, and military alliance dominated by "that loser Skywalker family."

"The Rebel Alliance doesn't win anymore. It's like thirty years after they destroyed the second Death Star, and they allowed the First Order to make a huge weapon that was huger than the Death Star. It was also capable of destroying multiple planets at a time, which was way-hugely-super-worse," explained Trump.

4.12.2016

Hillary Surrogate Claims Bernie Sanders Going to Vatican for Exorcism

LAST UPDATED @ 6:24PM (4.12.2016)

Hillary Clinton surrogate David Brock says Bernie Sanders is going to the Vatican to be exorcized of demons.

David_Brock - Wikipedia
David Brock, Hillary Clinton henchman. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Hillary Clinton surrogate David Brock - leader of the pro-Clinton super PAC Correct the Record - announced U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont will be going to the Vatican on Friday for an exorcism. Brock claimed Pope Francis had entrusted him with the actual reason the Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences had invited Sanders to Rome.

"I just got off the phone with Pope Francis, and he told me Bernie Sanders is going to the Vatican to be exorcized of demons, which have convinced him to challenge Hillary Clinton for the presidency," declared a grinning David Brock.

4.11.2016

Name of Bernie Sanders Disappears from New York Democratic Ballot

LAST UPDATED @ 8:27AM (4.11.2016)

Hillary Clinton says her campaign is working closely with the New York State Board of Elections to fix Bernie Sanders' name disappearing from ballot.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

ALBANY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the New York State Board of Elections confirmed reports the name of Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont had disappeared from the state's Democratic primary ballot. The rival presidential campaign of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton assured New York Democrats and Sanders supporters it was working closely with the elections board to fix the situation in time for the state's April 19th primary election.

"My campaign is deeply disturbed by the disappearance of Bernie Sanders' name from the New York Democratic primary ballot. I will do everything in my power to fix this absolutely terrible situation," declared Hillary Clinton.

4.09.2016

Psychiatrist of Ted Cruz Rescinds Clearance for Presidential Run

LAST UPDATED @ 11:30AM (4.9.2015)

Ted Cruz's psychiatrist says he is a psychopath incapable of feeling emotions, but very capable of destroying the United States.

Senator Ted Cruz at 2014 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the psychiatrist working with Republican presidential candidate U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas announced he was rescinding his mental health clearance for Cruz to run for president. Dr. Hugo Eagle, a psychiatrist based in Houston, explained he thought it would be good for Ted Cruz to be thoroughly rejected by the American people, but he was very concerned there appeared to be a chance the psychopath could actually win the presidency.

"Ted Cruz is incapable of feeling emotions or even mimic them in a convincing manner. He also lacks both charisma and charm, which I thought would doom his presidential run even though Ted is running as a Republican. I was naive, and should have known better," declared Dr. Eagle at a hastily prepared press conference.

4.07.2016

Mississippi Makes Mein Kampf Official State Book

LAST UPDATED @ 8:18AM (4.7.2016)

Mississippi makes Adolf Hitler's autobiography Mein Kampf the state's official book for its heroic portrayal of insatiable hate.

Mississippi - Wikipedia
Mississippi, in light pink. (Above)

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant (R) signed a controversial law making Adolf Hitler's autobiography Mein Kampf (My Struggle) the official book of Mississippi. Governor Bryant declared the Make Mein Kampf the Official Book of Mississippi Act was the perfect companion for the Protecting Freedom of Conscience from Government Discrimination Act he signed earlier in the week.

"We are decent God-fearing folks struggling against gays and other demonic members of the pro-communist LGBT community, and that is why I signed the bill making Mein Kampf the official book of Mississippi," explained a smiling Governor Bryant.

4.06.2016

Trump Opens Negotiations with Canada to Sell Wisconsin

LAST UPDATED @ 11:13AM (4.6.2016)

Trump announces he is selling Wisconsin to Canada after a majority of voters in the state's Republican presidential primary election decided they liked Ted Cruz better.

Wisconsin - Wikipedia
Wisconsin, in light pink. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential frontrunner and obviously bald billionaire Donald Trump confirmed reports he had opened negotiations with Canada to sell Wisconsin. Trump disclosed he was eager to be rid of Wisconsin after he lost the primary election there last night, and asserted Canada was very interested in making Wisconsin its newest province.

"As everyone knows, Wisconsin treated me very unfairly last night by voting for that loser Ted Cruz. Unbelievably unfairly, actually. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has been treated more unfairly than me with what Wisconsin just did to me," explained Trump.

4.04.2016

Relaunched Trump University to Teach Women Their Place

LAST UPDATED @ 7:50PM (4.4.2016)

Donald Trump announces his relaunch of Trump University aims to teach American women their place for a low tuition of $25,000.

Trump University - Wikipedia
New logo for the relaunched Trump University. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential frontrunner and pumpkin-hued billionaire Donald Trump announced he was relaunching Trump University with the mission of teaching American women their place. Senior political observers characterized the move as being Trump's way of apologizing for saying American women should be punished if they have an abortion.

"Okay, American women. I have a huge and exciting opportunity for all of you to learn your proper place in America so you don't start bleeding from whatever whenever I talk about you," declared Trump at a rally boasting a crowd of angry supporters at or below a 3rd grade reading level.

4.03.2016

Hillary Says She Pities Bernie Supporters Aware of Her Record

LAST UPDATED @ 12:01PM (4.3.2016)

Hillary Clinton says it is better for supporters of Bernie Sanders to embrace the bliss of ignorance, not be aware of her record, and not see what is coming.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton confessed she pitied supporters of Bernie Sanders, because they knew her record and were aware of what kind of president she would be. Clinton declared it was better for Sanders supporters to be blissfully ignorant of how she would betray them and work tirelessly to repay her rich donors.

"Supporters of Bernie Sanders really need to lighten up, and stop being so worried about my record of corruption benefiting the richest Americans and corporations at the expense of social and economic justice for vast majority of Americans," said Clinton, who seemed unable to temper her arrogance.

4.02.2016

A Dozen Freedoms Single-Payer Universal Healthcare Will Destroy

LAST UPDATED @ 8:00PM (4.2.2016)

Bernie Sanders ignores how his push for a single-payer universal healthcare system will destroy a dozen American liberties.

Bernie Sanders' Medicare for All Plan
Click Above to Read Bernie Sanders' Liberty-Destroying Medicare for All Healthcare Plan.

Progressives always fail to consider how their actions impact proud American liberties. Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont continues to promote his belief healthcare is a human right, and pushes for a single-payer universal healthcare system - officially known as his Medicare for All Plan.


Here are twelve American freedoms Bernie Sanders will destroy if his push for a single-payer universal healthcare system is successful:

1. Freedom to watch politicians pretend there are valid alternatives to a universal healthcare system, and callously ignore the suffering of hundreds of millions caused by their lies.

2. Freedom to witness health insurance companies financially profit from denying critical healthcare every financial quarter of every year.

3. Freedom to see family members or friends become seriously ill and/or die due to lack of healthcare or insufficient access to healthcare.

4. Freedom to be denied healthcare by literal death panels at health insurance companies, which routinely override the decisions of healthcare professionals.

5. Freedom to feel inferior - and as a lesser person and citizen - for not making enough money to afford healthcare.

6.  Freedom to be shamed by your fellow Americans for not playing capitalism well enough to gain access to healthcare.

4.01.2016

Hillary Clinton Concedes to Sanders, Cites Best Interests of America

LAST UPDATED @ 3:56PM (4.2.2016)

Hillary Clinton concedes the Democratic presidential nomination to Bernie Sanders.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was conceding the Democratic presidential nomination to her rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont. Clinton said the concession was prompted by her realization the United States was at a crossroads for social and economic justice, and she was ill-equipped to handle the challenges as a corporate-friendly Democrat completely out of touch with the struggles of everyday Americans.

"I think everyone knows I am not the person to deal with rampant income inequality and ineffective regulation of corporations, because I am pretty much a corporate-owned entity. Anyone who is aware of my large donors from the fossil fuel, financial, and defense industries knows that," declared Clinton, who shrugged at the concept of anyone not knowing of her corruption.

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