Rand Paul to Trade US Secrets to Russia for Trump Pee Tapes

LAST UPDATED @ 3:15PM (8.5.2018)

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) travels to Moscow tomorrow to trade US military secrets to Russia in exchange for video surveillance of Trump and Russian prostitutes engaged in one or more golden showers.

Rand Paul speaking at 2013 CPAC.
Photo Source: Gage Skidmore

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The office of Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) announced he would be travelling to Moscow to assist President Trump's diplomatic efforts with Russia. Specifically, Senator Paul will provide the Russians with American military secrets in an attempt to secure all video surveillance of Donald Trump watching (or perhaps more than watching) Russian prostitutes urinate on each other - an act popularly known by the slang term golden shower.

"I fully support President Trump's mission of continuing a respectful dialogue with Russia, and that's why I'm going to Moscow. I wasn't doing nearly enough by helping the president attack American intelligence reports that say the United States is under sustained cyber attack by Russia," explained Senator Paul in a phone interview.


Trump Declares Victory Over Opioid Epidemic

LAST UPDATED @ 10:48AM  (10.27.2017)

Trump credits "big brain," "hugely big hands" for solving America's opioid epidemic.

Donald Trump declares victory in opioid crisis.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Donald Trump declared victory over the opioid crisis in America. Mr. Trump asserted his triumph during a press conference that conspicuously lacked evidence.

"The opioid epidemic is over. My very big brain and my hugely big hands fixed it," Trump told members of  the press assembled on the White House lawn.


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