2.28.2016

Sanders Vows to Fight On with Only 46 Primary States Remaining

LAST UPDATED @ 9:07PM  (2.28.2016)

Bernie Sanders shocks political experts by continuing his presidential campaign after a crushing South Carolina loss, despite there only being 46 primary states remaining.

Bernie Sanders speaking at an event in Phoenix, Arizona. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - In a shocking move today, Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont doubled down on his decision to continue his campaign for the presidency after a crushing loss in South Carolina to his rival - former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Sanders baffled political experts by remaining in the Democratic presidential race even though there were only 46 primary states remaining.

"I am in this race for the long haul. We're moving on to the next states in the process after a decisive loss in South Carolina this weekend," declared Sanders, who reminded everyone he decisively won New Hampshire and basically tied Clinton in Iowa.

2.27.2016

Donald Trump Wins Ku Klux Klan Presidential Nomination

LAST UPDATED @ 11:48AM (2.27.2016)

Donald Trump clinches the Ku Klux Klan presidential nomination with a unanimous win in the former Confederate States of America, which is what the KKK believes Trump is referring to when he promises to make America great again.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

DIXIE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Ku Klux Klan (KKK) chapters in the South confirmed Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump had unanimously won the contest to be the KKK presidential nominee. Trump, who was also given the newly-created KKK title "Grand Imperial Giant Cyclops Wizard," announced he hoped to wrap up the GOP presidential nomination by the end of March.

"Donald Trump has won the Ku Klux Klan presidential nomination. We were just waiting on results from Alabama and Mississippi, both of which are routinely late and have an archaic nominating process called a 'hollerin' caucus,'" declared a masked man in a white robe wearing a pointy hat.

2.26.2016

"Home of the Brave" Deports Scary Child Refugees Back to War Zones to Die

LAST UPDATED @ 6:20PM (2.26.2016)

The United States of America proudly proclaims itself to be "the home of the brave," but that bravery has exceptions like unaccompanied, and extremely scary, child refugees.
 
United States of America - Wikipedia
The United States of America, "the home of the brave." Exceptions apply.
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the United States deported dozens of unaccompanied, and very frightening, child refugees back to the war zones around the world they had fled from. The child refugees were expected to spread tales of American bravery for as long as they remained alive.

"The United States is undoubtedly 'the home of the brave,' but these child refugees are extremely scary. Something about the unaccompanied ones is especially alarming," explained Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson.

2.24.2016

Republicans Demand Obama Vacate White House to Prep it for New President

LAST UPDATED @ 2:47PM (2.24.2016)

Republicans demand President Obama, his family, and his staff leave the White House so the residence can be made ready for his successor.

White House - Wikipedia
The White House. (Above) (Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, a number of Republicans demanded President Obama, his family, and his staff vacate the White House so the residence could be prepared for the next president. Republicans asserted the whole interior of the White House needed to be repainted, among other things, and such tasks would be much easier if the Obamas were no longer living there.

"President Obama needs to vacate the White House immediately. The residence needs to be made ready for the his successor," explained Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who has vowed not to allow Obama to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court following Justice Antonin Scalia's death.

2.23.2016

Hillary Clinton Earns Support of 1 Billion Superdelegates

LAST UPDATED @ 6:57PM (2.23.2016)

Hillary Clinton asserts she has secured 1 billion superdelegates, and says it does not matter how Americans vote.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she had locked the support of 1 billion superdelegates, and demanded U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont concede. Both Clinton and Sanders remain tied at 51 actual delegates - based on actual voting - less than a week before the Democratic presidential primary election in South Carolina.

"I have the support of 1 billion superdelegates. It is time for Bernie Sanders to concede the Democratic presidential nomination to me," declared Clinton, who also told the press Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz would be unavailable for comment until Wednesday, November 9th.

2.22.2016

Trump Backers Mock Sanders' Socialism, Support National Socialist

LAST UPDATED @ 7:23PM (2.22.2016)

Most supporters of Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump criticize Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders' self-professed democratic socialism despite supporting a national socialist.

Schutzstaffel - Wikipedia
Trump Obedience Tattoo. Now required at all rallies. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study were released on the supporters of Republican presidential frontrunner and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump. The study discovered that while most Trump supporters were heavily critical of Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders' self-proclaimed democratic socialism, they were largely unaware the candidate they were supporting was promoting national socialism.

"Nearly 67% of Donald Trump's supporters criticize Bernie Sanders's socialism, but remain ignorant of the fact Donald Trump is promoting national socialism. Trump reinforces their delusions America is always under internal and external attack, and they are perpetual victims of inferior minority groups that must be stopped using extreme and unconstitutional methods," explained Senior Researcher Dick Schneider.

2.21.2016

Man Thinks Republicans Will Fix Infrastructure with More Tax Cuts

LAST UPDATED @ 12:03PM (2.21.2016)

Thomas Basil, a right-wing politics man, is convinced small government and tax cuts for the wealthy will solve America's decaying infrastructure problem.


American Infrastructure Report Card
Thomas Basil is a right-wing politics man who believes things like
Republicans will fix America's infrastructure by cutting his taxes.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media declared the Republican Party would either repair or update America's deteriorating infrastructure with another round of tax cuts. Thomas Basil - a Republican, construction worker, and married father of two - asserted small government and tax cuts mainly targeting the rich were the solutions to America's deteriorating infrastructure.


"Small government and tax cuts + a shit infrastructure = better infrastructure," stated Mr. Basil, who drew out his plan to repair America's decaying infrastructure.

2.20.2016

South Carolina Hopes to Be State that Convinces Jeb to Quit GOP Race

LAST UPDATED @ 11:08AM (2.20.2016)

Governor of South Carolina Nikki Haley says she hopes her state will convince Jeb Bush to drop out of the Republican presidential race so the GOP establishment can try to stop Donald Trump from ripping the party apart.

Jeb Bush speaking at the 2015 Conservative Political Action
Conference (CPAC) in February 2015. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Governor of South Carolina Nikki Haley declared she hoped her state would be the one to convince former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush to quit the Republican presidential race. Haley's announcement followed her endorsement of U.S. Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, which she characterized as her doing her part to get Jeb Bush out of the race and save the GOP from Donald Trump.

"South Carolina really wants to be the state that wakes Jeb Bush up to the fact he is not going to be president. I've already done my part by endorsing Senator Marco Rubio," explained Haley.

2.19.2016

Bernadette Sanders Preferred Over Hillary Clinton in Alternate Reality

LAST UPDATED @ 2:04PM (2.19.2016)

Americans in Alternate Universe 655LT8525RN support Bernadette Sanders over Hillary Clinton, who is unable to use being a woman as a political weapon there.


Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the results of a multiverse study were released regarding the 2016 Democratic presidential primaries in Alternate Universe 655LT8525RN. The findings showed Americans in Alternate Universe 655LT8525RN decisively supported democratic socialist U.S. Senator Bernadette Sanders of Vermont over corrupt, pro-business former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who was unable to accuse Bernadette or her supporters of sexism.

"Alternate Universe 655LT8525RN has Hillary up against Bernadette, and Clinton is getting absolutely clobbered on the issues. Clinton's campaign in that alternate reality has very much the same doom and gloom message she has been peddling here," explained TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who disclosed Bernadette was beating Hillary nationally by twenty points.

2.18.2016

George W. Bush Recalls Scalia as "That Guy Who Gave Me the Presidency"

LAST UPDATED @ 8:22AM (2.18.2016)

George W. Bush eventually recalls Justice Antonin Scalia voting to make him president in 2000.

Bush v. Gore - Wikipedia
Bush recalls how many thousands of votes he lost the presidency by in 2000.
(Public Domain Image)
CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush declared he did not remember Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia being in Washington when he was there. Bush eventually recalled Scalia as the guy who gave him the presidency in 2000, which was a clear reference to Scalia's participation in the majority's 5-4 partisan decision in Bush v. Gore that stopped the Florida recount and awarded the White House to George W. Bush.

"Antonin Scalia? Did he work in the White House kitchen?" asked George W. Bush, who shrugged.

Bush continued, "Pretty sure that's the guy I had fired from the kitchen. No buena comida."

2.17.2016

Man Thinks Post Office Struggling Due to Mailing Sales Flyers for Free

LAST UPDATED @ 4:00PM (2.17.2016)

Thomas Basil, a right-wing politics man, is angry at the Post Office for losing so much money every year, and not charging businesses for all the sales flyers it sends to him.


American Infrastructure Report Card
Thomas Basil is a right-wing politics man who believes things like
Republicans will fix America's infrastructure by cutting his taxes.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media declared he was angry at the United States Postal Service (USPS) for losing money every year by sending him sales flyers without charging the businesses that make them. Thomas Basil - a Republican, construction worker, and married father of two - loudly derided the Post Office for imagined slights against him and his fellow Americans, and completely ignored the actual causes of the organization's financial problems.

"I am so sick and tired of hearing the Post Office is losing money every year. Maybe they should stop sending me junk mail, or maybe the idiots should start charging the businesses that make all of those stupid sales flyers," protested Mr. Basil, whose face was red with rage.

2.16.2016

Far Right Asserts Scalia Murdered By Brainwashed Bald Eagle

LAST UPDATED @ 1:15PM (2.16.2016)

Far-right radio personalities tell their audiences Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was murdered by a bald eagle that was brainwashed by the government.

Bald Eagle - Wikipedia
A bald eagle up to no good in Kodiak, Alaska. (Above)
PHOTO:  Yathin S. Krishnappa

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, far-right radio personalities claimed the death of Justice Antonin Scalia was part of an elaborate plan concocted by the White House to appoint a liberal replacement to the Supreme Court. The notable far-right rabble rousers asserted Scalia was assassinated by a government-brainwashed bald eagle, which stealthily entered Scalia's room, suffocated him with his own pillow, and hastily flew back outside to freedom.

"I think anyone with a rational mind knows Justice Antonin Scalia was the victim of a bald eagle specifically brainwashed and trained to get in, do the job, and get out without a trace of evidence being left behind," explained right-wing drama queen Michael (Alan Weiner) Savage.

2.15.2016

Republicans Think it Wise to Show Inability to Govern in Election Year

LAST UPDATED @ 12:32PM (2.15.2016)

The Republican Party believes it is a good idea to remind Americans it is unable to govern the country in an election year, and vows to refuse to confirm whoever President Obama nominates to fill the vacant Supreme Court seat following the death of Justice Antonin Scalia.

Mitch McConnell - Wikipedia
Senator Mitch McConnell (left) with President Obama (right).
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the Republican Party confirmed it thought it was a good idea to remind Americans of its complete inability to govern in an election year. The GOP announced it had determined the best way to do this was to block whoever President Obama decided to nominate to the Supreme Court, which would complement the party's efforts to insult the voters it needed to win the upcoming presidential election.

"A crushing majority of American voters will soon have no doubt Republicans are unable to govern when Senate Republicans refuse to confirm any nominee President Obama selects to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court," declared Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who had just left a GOP strategy meeting.

2.14.2016

President Obama Nominates Himself to Supreme Court

LAST UPDATED @ 4:17PM (2.14.2016)

President Obama nominates himself to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia. Obama states he would like to see whether Senate Republicans want to block his Supreme Court nominee more than they want him out of the White House.

Barack Obama - Wikipedia
President Obama in the Oval Office. (Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, President Barack Obama announced he was nominating himself to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court following Justice Antonin Scalia's death. Obama declared he looked forward to seeing whether Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and his Republican peers wanted to block his Supreme Court nominee more than they wanted him out of the White House.

"Okay, Mitch and Senate Republicans. You want to play? We'll play. After consulting my wife Michelle and Vice President Joe Biden, I have decided to nominate myself to the Supreme Court," announced Obama, who had a wide smirk plastered on his face.

2.13.2016

Man Observes It's Cold Outside, Tries to Embarrass World's Scientists

LAST UPDATED @ 12:56PM (2.13.2016)

Thomas Basil, a right-wing politics man who barely completed high school, observes it is cold outside and attacks the science of global climate change on social media to embarrass the world's scientists.

American Infrastructure Report Card
Thomas Basil is a right-wing politics man who believes things like
Republicans will fix America's infrastructure by cutting his taxes.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media observed it was cold outside, and shared his observation on social media to embarrass the world's scientists. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, used his superior deductive reasoning skills to shame science and destroy the scientific theory of global climate change with his rival scientific thesis that climate change was bullshit.

"Its EXTREMEY COLD... and its gonna be like supper record COLD tonite and tomarrow. Stupid sience idiots and libs and there climeat change BS. LOL," stated Basil in his first social media post, which outlined his scientific theory for his friends.

2.12.2016

Hillary Surprised So Many Americans Recall Kissinger a War Criminal

LAST UPDATED @ 11:25PM (2.12.2016)

Hillary Clinton is surprised her good friend and foreign policy counselor Henry Kissinger is still remembered by so many Americans as a war criminal for actions he advised President Richard Nixon to take in Vietnam and Cambodia.

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Henry_Kissinger#/media/File:Photograph_of_Secretary_of_State_Henry_A._Kissinger_Using_the_Telephone_in_Deputy_National_Security_Advisor_Brent..._-_NARA_-_186804.tif
Secretary of State Henry A. Kissinger using a telephone outside of a prison cell.
Public Domain Image





WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was genuinely surprised so many Americans still recalled her close friend and foreign policy counselor Henry Kissinger was a war criminal guilty of genocide. Clinton also confessed she was not surprised U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her chief rival - remembered former Secretary of State Kissinger was a horrible person directly responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent people due to Sanders being "very, very old."

"I'm just shocked so many Americans still remember the deaths of millions of innocent people Kissinger was largely responsible for in Vietnam and Cambodia," stated Clinton, who shrugged and truly seemed at a loss to explain how information was carried down from one generation of Americans to another.

2.11.2016

Obama Worried Bernie May Actually Give All Americans Healthcare

LAST UPDATED @ 7:30PM  (2.11.2016)

President Obama is concerned a President Sanders will actually provide all American citizens healthcare as a human right, which is something he had promised to do in 2008. Obama wants Hillary Clinton to be his successor, because she is a fellow corrupt corporately-owned Democrat who will not make him look bad.

Bernie Sanders speaking at an event in Phoenix, Arizona. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Barack Obama announced he was very concerned Democratic presidential hopeful U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont would actually give all American citizens healthcare as a human right. Obama explained former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was his Democratic presidential contender of choice, because he wanted a successor who would not make him look bad.

"Bernie Sanders may actually have the political will to give all American citizens healthcare as a human right, and that scares the hell out of me. Everyone remembers how I somehow failed to use a Democratic majority in Congress to do that," stated President Obama, who took a pensive breath.

2.10.2016

Unmedicated Man Thinks Trump Will Rein In Executive Power

LAST UPDATED @ 11:56AM (2.10.2016)

Massachusetts man says he is confident Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will rein executive power in as president, despite the demagogic billionaire's numerous statements to the contrary.

American Infrastructure Report Card
Thomas Basil is a right-wing politics man who believes things like
Republicans will fix America's infrastructure by cutting his taxes.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, an unmedicated Massachusetts man declared he believed Republican presidential candidate and demagogic billionaire Donald Trump would rein executive power in. Thomas Basil, a Republican construction worker and married father of two, told TNA he thought Trump would moderate the authority of the presidency, despite the billionaire's numerous statements about violating the Constitution and ignoring sound reasoning in the name of national security.

"Donald Trump will make America great again, and be a president for the People. Trump will totally scale back the power of the presidency, but there will definitely be more than a few huge exceptions," asserted a Basil.

2.09.2016

Hillary: Have Fun Burning in Hell, Women of New Hampshire

LAST UPDATED @ 11:15PM (2.9.2016)

Hillary Clinton tells the women of New Hampshire to "have fun burning in hell" after they failed to support her enough to win the state's Democratic primary election.


Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Tonight, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told the women of New Hampshire to "have fun burning in hell" after it was clear she had badly lost the state's Democratic primary election to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont. Clinton's remark referenced a statement made last weekend by former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Madeleine Albright that "there's a special place in hell for women that don't help each other."

"Well, the women of New Hampshire can have fun burning in hell after supporting Bernie Sanders over me. Bernie Sanders is an old White Jewish guy, and not even a woman," asserted Clinton, who was shaking with anger.

2.08.2016

Trump Threatens to "Fire" New Hampshire from America if He Loses

LAST UPDATED @ 11:15AM (2.8.2016)

Donald Trump threatens to "fire" New Hampshire from America if he loses the state's Republican presidential primary on Tuesday, and warns it is already too late for Iowa not to be fired even though he remains convinced he actually won there.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and renowned xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump threatened to "fire" New Hampshire from America if he did not win the Republican primary there on Tuesday. Trump also vowed to fire all of the states he lost during the Republican presidential primaries and caucuses when he became president.

"I really don't want to do it, but New Hampshire better be fair to me or it's going to hear me say 'you're fired' when I become president. If New Hampshire is nice to me, I will be nice to New Hampshire and let it stay in America," explained Trump.

2.07.2016

Hillary Tells Women to Vote for Sarah Palin, Carly Fiorina

LAST UPDATED @ 3:15PM (2.7.2016)

Hillary Clinton inadvertently tells women they must vote for the likes of Sarah Palin and Carly Fiorina simply because they are women, which is a professional qualification for the presidency.


Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton repeated her belief that being a woman was a professional qualification for the presidency, and told women they must vote for her because she is also a woman. In doing so, Secretary Clinton's logic inadvertently told American women they must also vote for the likes of Sarah Palin and Carly Fiorina simply because they were also women, which automatically made them qualified for the presidency.

"Women need to vote for me, because I am a woman. That's just how it is, and there is a special circle in hell reserved for women who do not support other women," declared Secretary Clinton to a crowd of women that was largely composed of undecided voters.

2.06.2016

Americans Disturbed By Bernie Sanders' Consistent Record, Honesty

LAST UPDATED @ 12:33PM  (2.6.2016)

Many Americans want to support Bernie Sanders, but are unsure of what to do after being lied to for so long by corrupt and self-serving politicians.

Bernie Sanders speaking at an event in Phoenix, Arizona. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study showed a sizable minority of American voters were disturbed by the honesty and consistent record of Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont. These Americans found it difficult to accept there was a politician who dared to tell hard truths rather than politically beneficial lies, and explicitly refused to use the divide and conquer strategy utilized by other politicians to trick the vast majority of Americans into fighting each other over economic scraps.

"Forty-three percent of American voters are very disturbed by Bernie Sanders, because they see his honesty and consistent record as something comparable to a dragon or a unicorn," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who noted dragons and unicorns were viewed less favorably than Sanders and more favorably than Hillary Clinton.

2.05.2016

Hillary Reminds Americans Wall Street Bribes Completely Legal

LAST UPDATED @ 5:27PM (2.5.2016)

Hillary Clinton strikes back at Bernie Sanders calling her corrupt by reminding Americans the bribes she has taken from Wall Street are completely legal under the law of the land.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded Americans the speaking fees and other forms of compensation she had received from Wall Street were completely legal. Secretary Clinton's public service announcement was her response to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont accusing her of corruption and being a pawn of Wall Street, which he repeated during their debate last night.

"Bernie Sanders and his veiled attacks charging me with being owned by Wall Street are just completely unfair and unwarranted," explained Secretary Clinton.

2.04.2016

F-35 Joint Strike Fighter Capable of as Many as One Mission per Month

Last Updated @ 10:08M (2.4.2016)

Lockheed Martin claims its F-35 Joint Strike Fighter can only do one mission per month due to the platform being "a highly effective killing machine," and out of the company's immense concern about civilian casualties.

A World War I-era  1917 Sopwith Camel biplane (Top Left) and a modern F-35 (Top Right) in their natural habitat - on the ground.

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, the Pentagon released a report on the famously successful F-35 Joint Strike Fighter. The report found the F-35 was capable of performing one mission per month due to much-needed maintenance between missions, and Lockheed Martin claimed it was a safety feature to protect civilians from what they called "a highly effective killing machine."

"The F-35 can be utilized about twelve times every year. In between these missions the F-35 will require weeks of maintenance to address the damage it sustained from being exposed to direct sunlight, rain, wind, and the Earth's atmosphere," explained Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.

2.03.2016

Sarah Palin Interviews Walrus About Climate Change

LAST UPDATED @ 12:09PM (2.3.2016)

Sarah Palin interviews male walrus about climate change, and concludes he is happy to be rid of "all that pesky snow and ice from the Kingdom of Russia" so he can enjoy sandy beaches all year round.

Walrus - Wikipedia
Sarah Palin (left), and Buttercup  the walrus (right).

BEACH YOU CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM, ALASKA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Governor of Alaska and Republican quitter Sarah Palin interviewed a male walrus on climate change.  The interview took place on an Alaskan beach conspicuously absent of snow and ice, and Palin concluded the walrus was very happy to have sandy beaches to enjoy all year round.

"Just look at how much fun this walrus is having," stated Palin, who sat in a golf cart wrapped in what appeared to be chicken wire while the flippered marine mammal she named Buttercup growled, grunted, and whistled.

2.02.2016

After Iowa, Hillary Accepts Democratic Presidential Nomination

LAST UPDATED @ 9:43PM (2.2.2016)

Hillary Clinton accepts the Democratic presidential nomination after barely winning Iowa in the closest caucus in the state's history to a challenger characterized as unelectable - U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accepted the Democratic presidential nomination after barely winning Iowa in the closest caucus in the state's history to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who has been characterized as unelectable. Political observers called Clinton's acceptance of the Democratic presidential nomination "bold and slightly premature."


"Well, that settles who will be the Democratic presidential nominee. No need to go on to any other states. I barely won Iowa in the closest caucus in its history to a man I have publicly accused of being unelectable," said Secretary Clinton to a large crowd of at least two dozen supporters.

2.01.2016

Psychopathic Iowans Rally for Canadian Psychopath Ted Cruz

LAST UPDATED @ 12:20AM (2.2.2015)

Iowan psychopaths convinced of their own moral superiority and incapable of feeling any empathy to temper their bigotry decided Ted Cruz was a more convincing psychopath than Donald Trump.

Senator Ted Cruz at 2014 CPAC. Cruz claims to be more anti-liberty than Trump.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - Tonight, psychopathic Iowans - largely of the evangelical persuasion - rallied to deliver Canadian psychopath U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas a win in the state's Republican caucus. The ultra-conservative Iowans barely rejected psychopathic billionaire Donald Trump for lacking the correct mixture of moral superiority and seething bigotry devoid of all empathy.

"Psychopathic Iowans convinced of their own moral superiority made a clear choice tonight that Ted Cruz was their empathy-handicapped choice between two extremely dangerous psychopaths," explained Senior Researcher Dick Schneider.

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