1.31.2016

Hillary Surging with Americans Harboring Low Expectations, No Ambition for Better Future

LAST UPDATED @ 5:48PM (1.31.2016)

Hillary Clinton is supported over Bernie Sanders among Americans harboring low expectations and no ambition for a better future for themselves, their children, and their fellow Americans.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, a TNA survey found Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was surging with Americans harboring low expectations and no ambition for a better future. Clinton held a dominant lead over her primary rival - U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - with the support of 87% of Americans who expected no improvement in their circumstances while she was president.


"Secretary Clinton is crushing Senator Bernie Sanders with Americans expecting nothing and holding no ambition for a brighter future for themselves, their children, and their fellow Americans," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.

1.30.2016

L.A. Hole Releasing Desperately Needed Methane "Vitamins" into Earth's Atmosphere

 LAST UPDATED @ 12:07PM (1.30.2016)

Sempra Energy asserts the uncontrolled, gargantuan natural gas leak at its Aliso Canyon Oil Field was a good thing, because the millions of tons of methane being released were "like vitamins" for Earth's methane-starved atmosphere.

Aliso Canyon Gas Leak - Wikipedia
Screenshot taken of Alison Canyon gas leak entry on Wikipedia.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Sempra Energy declared the uncontrolled, gargantuan natural gas leak at its Aliso Canyon Oil Field was actually releasing desperately needed methane into Earth's atmosphere. The parent corporation of Southern California Gas Company (SoCal) asserted methane was "like vitamins for the atmosphere," and that over 2 million tons of vitamins had been dispatched since the leak started on October 23rd, 2015.

"Don't allow the climate change alarmists to fool you. Earth's atmosphere is desperately lacking methane, so the leak at our Aliso Canyon Oil Field due to lax regulations and safety standards is actually a good thing," asserted Madelyn Spinner, a spokesperson for Sempra Energy.

1.28.2016

9-1-1 Braces for Calls Related to Shattered Screens During GOP Debate

 LAST UPDATED @ 4:16PM (1.28.2016)

9-1-1 dispatch centers across the country are preparing for higher call volume due to injuries related to Americans breaking television and computer screens during tonight's Republican presidential debate hosted by Fox News.

9-1-1 - Wikipedia
9-1-1 dispatch centers are bracing for injuries related to GOP presidential debate.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, 9-1-1 operators across the country announced they were bracing themselves for a sharp rise in calls related to shattered television and computer screens during the Republican presidential primary debate tonight. Virtually all 9-1-1 operators and heightened numbers of first responders will be working tonight, and both groups expected injuries like lacerations, severe blood loss, electrocutions, and wounds filled with glass, among many others.

"Americans need to be very careful during the Republican presidential debate scheduled for tonight, which will undoubtedly cause bouts of extreme anger, loss of faith in humanity and democracy, and an overwhelming sense of pessimism for the future of the United States," said Nora Pasteur, a 9-1-1 operator in New York City.

1.27.2016

Hillary Tries to Improve Favorability By Attacking Jewish Grandfather's Popular Policies

LAST UPDATED @ 11:46PM (1.27.2016)

Hillary Clinton has determined Americans will like her more if she attacks the popular policies championed by her chief rival, U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont.


Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she thought her favorability among Americans would improve if she attacked U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for championing policies most Americans supported. Clinton dismissed criticism she was using the same strategy utilized by her 2008 campaign, which resulted in Clinton losing the Democratic presidential nomination to then-U.S. Senator Barack Obama of Illinois.

"I have discussed this with all of my senior campaign staff and large contributors, and I am going to continue attacking Bernie Sanders for supporting policies that are extremely popular among Americans. The polls say that strategy will improve my favorability numbers with Americans," asserted Secretary Clinton, who held up a sheet of paper with a bar graph on it.

1.26.2016

Secret Service Agents Protecting Trump Deeply Regret Past Mistakes

LAST UPDATED @ 11:20PM (1.26.2016)

Secret Service agents protecting Republican presidential candidate and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump regret past career mistakes and choices of work enemies with axes to grind.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Secret Service agents protecting Republican presidential candidate and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump declared they deeply regretted their past career mistakes and choices of work enemies. The agents were confident both their professional lapses and having co-workers with axes to grind likely resulted in their protective detail assignment.

"I am guessing punching my boss in the face a few years back probably has something to do with why I was selected to protect Donald Trump. I'm still not sure if he is actually running for president," explained one of the Secret Service agents, who spoke with TNA on condition of anonymity.

1.25.2016

Hillary Claims Video of Her Blaming Homeowners for 2008 Crash "100% False"

LAST UPDATED @ 10:13PM (1.25.2016)

Hillary Clinton says video of here blaming homeowners for 2008 economic crash is "100% false," and blames agents of rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for the video.

Hillary Clinton asserts the doctored footage begins at 12s.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton claimed a video of her blaming homeowners for the 2008 economic crash was "100% false." Clinton blamed agents of rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for creating the video of her blaming Americans for accepting subprime mortgages from predatory banks that told them they could afford to finance homes.

"This is the lowest of the low coming from supporters of Bernie Sanders. The video out there of me blaming the 2008 economic crash on homeowners is 100% false," explained Secretary Clinton.

1.24.2016

Michigan Gov. Snyder Wondering Why No Flint Parade in His Honor

LAST UPDATED @ 5:15PM (1.24.2016)

Republican Governor of Michigan Rick Snyder says he wonders when the people of Flint are going to have a parade to celebrate his rapid, nearly-two-years-in-the-making response to them being poisoned by a water source his austerity measures and hand-selected emergency manager forced upon their city.

Rick Snyder - Wikipedia
Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R). (Above)
He switched Flint's public water source to 
the Flint River to save money.

FLINT, MICHIGAN (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Governor of Michigan Rick Snyder (R) declared  he was surprised the citizens of Flint had not arranged a parade to honor his quick response to them being poisoned by largely untreated water from a polluted source his hand-selected emergency manager had chosen. Snyder touted his rapid, nearly-two-years-in-the-making response to Flint citizens complaining about their toxic drinking water almost immediately after the city was forced by austerity measures to switch its public water source to the Flint River in April of 2014.

"I think the people of Flint are being a little selfish by only thinking about themselves and their children being poisoned by toxic water they are still being charged for," said Governor Snyder, who confirmed he was not making any real effort to provide the people of Flint with safe bottled war.

1.23.2016

Hillary Clinton Tells Supporters Bernie Sanders the Son of Stalin

LAST UPDATED @ 3:09PM (1.23.2016)

Hillary Clinton tells supporters U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont is the son of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin and a communist sleeper agent determined to seize control of the United States.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton drew a contrast with U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont by telling supporters her rival was the son of Soviet Union dictator Joseph Stalin while she was not. Clinton also accused Sanders of being a sleeper agent, and part of a long-term communist conspiracy started by Stalin to seize control of the United States.

"Americans need to know that Bernie Sanders is a communist sleeper agent and the illegitimate son of brutal Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin. Bernie was sent to America to seize control of our government, and he is trying to do just that," warned Secretary Clinton, who disclosed she learned about the plot while at the State Department.

1.22.2016

Sarah Palin Blames Obama for Bristol Getting Pregnant for Third Time

LAST UPDATED @ 10:16PM (1.22.2016)

Governor Sarah Palin blames President Barack Obama for not stopping her daughter, Bristol, from getting pregnant for a third time by a third man she is not married to.

Sarah Palin speaking at the 2014 CPAC in Maryland. (Above) 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin announced her daughter Bristol was pregnant for a third time, and blamed President Obama for destroying the Christian values of America and not stopping men from getting her daughter "babyfied." All three of Bristol Palin's children will have a different father, and none one of those fathers are married to Bristol, despite Sarah Palin's heavily espoused conservative Christian values.

"Well, Bristol is pregnant again, and it's a different baby-papa-lovin'-liberal-snake father. Mr. Hopey and Changey isn't the Papa Smurf, but it darn tootin' sure is his fault Bristol done gone got babyfied again," said Governor Palin to Trump supporters confused about whether they should clap, boo, or do something else.

1.21.2016

Sarah Palin Promised Secretary of Defense for Trump Endorsement

LAST UPDATED @ 5:45PM (1.21.2016)

President Trump and Secretary of Defense Sarah Palin would not require anyone else to authorize the use of nuclear weapons against "wherever."

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a source inside the Republican presidential campaign of loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump announced former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had been promised the position of Secretary of Defense in exchange for her endorsement of Trump for president. Trump addressed the press within minutes of the leak, and explained he did not want a Secretary of Defense who would ask questions or present any informed reality-based opposition when he ordered the use of nuclear weapons against "wherever."

"The person who leaked my promise to Sarah Palin that she can be Secretary of Defense is so unbelievably fired. Sarah has been very nice to me, and I am going to be very nice to Sarah," declared Trump, who asserted Sarah Palin was "a hugely smart and talented lady.

1.19.2016

Michigan Gov. Snyder Bottling Flint River Water to Sell to Americans

LAST UPDATED @ 5:26PM (1.19.2016)

Republican Governor of Michigan Rick Snyder's new bottled water company, Flint River Water, has the slogan "Good Enough for Flint, Good Enough for America." Snyder boasts the quality chloride-fortified bottled water is a testament to him running government like a business and cutting costs at the expense of public health and safety.

Rick Snyder - Wikipedia
Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R). (Above)
He switched Flint's public water source to 
the Flint River to save money.

FLINT, MICHIGAN (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder announced he was launching Flint River Water, a new bottled water company poised to sell water from the Flint River in Michigan to Americans across the nation. Snyder - a venture capitalist who tried to run government like a business - downplayed health and safety concerns about drinking water from the Flint River, and declared his company's slogan was "Good Enough for Flint, Good Enough for America."


"Flint River Water is a quality high chloride water that highlights what happens when a venture capitalist is elected governor and tries to run government like a business by cutting costs at the expense of public health and safety," said Governor Snyder, who stood outside a brand new bottling plant that was siphoning water from the Flint River as he spoke.

1.18.2016

Hillary: I Want to be Why Americans Can't Have Nice Things

LAST UPDATED @ 3:24PM (1.18.2016)

Hillary Clinton declares her wealthy handlers have gone through the numbers with her, and she is convinced the United States cannot afford to use American tax dollars to provide American citizens with "nice things" her rival Bernie Sanders wants to provide like healthcare as a human right and 100% government subsidized state college tuition for academically qualified students.


Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic presidential campaign of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton followed up last night's debate by asserting its candidate would make sure Americans continued to be unable to "have nice things." Secretary Clinton addressed the press this morning and explained her wealthy donors would never allow her to give all Americans healthcare as a human right, effectively regulate the financial sector, solve mass incarceration causes like for-profit prisons and mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenses, and a whole host of other things much poorer countries were able to provide for their citizens.


"Yeah... So my rich donors, and effective handlers, are not going to let me do things like allow free state college tuition for academically qualified students, or reduce student debt, or break up the financial institutions that caused the 2008 financial collapse and prevent them from using money in your bank accounts to invest in high-risk ventures," confessed Clinton, who shrugged indifferently.

1.17.2016

Man: "I'm from Half of Working Class that Would Kill Other Half"

LAST UPDATED @ 1:58PM (1.17.2016)

Working-class Republican voter says he would eliminate half of the American working class for the right price.

American Infrastructure Report Card
Thomas Basil is a right-wing politics man who believes things like
Republicans will fix America's infrastructure by cutting his taxes.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man declared he was from the half of the working class that would kill the other half of the working class for a reasonable price. Thomas Basil, a Republican construction worker and married father of two, told TNA he "would be happy to take out" the other half of the working class that complained about wages, working conditions, and other labor-related matters rather than work with them to improve those conditions for everyone.


"I'm from the half of the working class that would definitely kill the other half of the working class for the right amount of money. That other half of the working class complains too much and is just lazy," explained Mr. Basil, who was rummaging though a sea of medical bills on his kitchen table.

1.16.2016

Jeb Bush Ignoring Staffers Hinting it is Time to Suspend Campaign

LAST UPDATED @ 1:47PM (1.16.2016)

Senior staff working for the Republican presidential campaign of former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush are finding it difficult to passive-aggressively convince Jeb it is time to suspend his campaign.

Jeb Bush speaking at the 2015 Conservative Political Action
Conference (CPAC) in February 2015. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, dozens of senior staffers working for Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush announced the former Governor of Florida was ignoring their hints it was well past time to suspend his lackluster presidential campaign. Bush's campaign staff explained they continued to make "mistakes" like including Jeb Bush on e-mails containing their resumes for the review of other Republican presidential contenders, but had failed to reach the governor with their passive-aggressive behavior.


"Jeb is having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact there is overwhelming Republican support for him to suspend his campaign for president, and that is concerning to a lot of us who want to jump off this sinking ship," stated a Bush campaign senior staffer speaking to TNA on condition of anonymity.

1.14.2016

20 Questions Most Likely to be Asked during GOP Presidential Debate

LAST UPDATED @ 3:41PM (1.14.2016)

Fox Business Network - Wikipedia
Fox Business drew the short straw to host tonight's GOP presidential debate.

Tonight, the Fox Business Network will be hosting yet another debate involving the Republican presidential candidates. TNA has identified these 20 questions as the ones most likely to be asked:
  1. How weak and pathetic do you think President Barack Obama has been at everything he has done while in the White House? If possible, rank him on a scale of zero to zero. 

  2. How will you keep Americans ignorant of the fact that socialism is what makes sure they actually get their tax money back in the form of government services?

  3. If you become the Republican presidential nominee, what type of clearly sexist attacks will you deny are sexist attacks while you use them against Hillary Clinton, if she is the Democratic presidential nominee?

  4. Did anyone else get that weird drunk text from Lindsey Graham?

1.13.2016

Trump Attacks Bernie Sanders for Lacking Policy on Rosie O'Donnell

LAST UPDATED @ 4:36PM (1.13.2016)

Trump calls Bernie Sanders "naive and a big wimp" with no policy on the clear and present danger to the United States represented by Rosie O'Donnell. Trump also promises he will nuke Rosie from outer space.

At the 8.6.2015 GOP debate, Donald Trump warns Rosie O'Donnell she will be a top priority of the Trump White House.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and empathy-handicapped billionaire Donald Trump criticized Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for completely lacking a policy on how to combat comedian and actress Rosie O'Donnell. Trump called Sanders' lack of a policy regarding O'Donnell "shameful" while asserting Rosie was "a fat pig," "a clear and present danger to the United States," and she should probably be nuked from outer space.


"It's unbelievable and embarrassing that Bernie Sanders has been ignoring the issue of how to deal with Rosie O'Donnell, who is a fat pig, dog, slob, and a just a hugely disgusting animal. I mean, I feel bad and embarrassed for Bernie, because he is being naive and a big wimp on this Rosie thing," said Donald Trump, who was simultaneously insulting Rosie O'Donnell on Twitter.

1.12.2016

Hillary Clinton Weighing Switch to Republican Party, Blames Bernie

LAST UPDATED @ 9:26PM (1.12.2016)

Hillary Clinton explains the "facts-optional policy" of the Republican Party is very desirable and much better than trying to debate her far more liberal rival Bernie Sanders on serious issues like income inequality, healthcare for all Americans, and the dangers of preemptive war.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was considering switching to the Republican Party to run for president, which she believed would greatly increase her chances of being in the general election due to the party's "facts-optional policy." Clinton blamed the need to consider becoming a Republican on her Democratic rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who had recently surged ahead of Clinton in polls of likely Democratic primary caucus-goers and voters in Iowa and New Hampshire, respectfully.


"Bernie Sanders is making me defend my liberally-challenged, pro-war record. He is really looking like the Barack Obama of 2016 with his populist grassroots campaign," complained Clinton, who sighed heavily and added, "Except Bernie has a much more solid liberal record than Obama had back in 2008. How the hell can I compete with that when I am basically what a moderate Republican would be in the 1980s?"

1.10.2016

Trump Requires Pledge of Loyalty, Obedience Tattoo to Attend Rallies

LAST UPDATED @ 12:29AM (1.12.2016)

Trumps says only those who pledge him their loyalty and have a Trump Obedience Tattoo will be allowed into his rallies; also cites love of lightning bolts to explain design of obedience tattoo.

Schutzstaffel - Wikipedia
Trump Obedience Tattoo. (Above)

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and autocratic billionaire Donald Trump announced anyone who wanted to attend his rallies would need to take an oath of loyalty to him, and either show guards what he called a "Trump Obedience Tattoo" or be willing to get such a tattoo on the spot. Trump explained the new policies were the result of protesters ruining the atmosphere at numerous rallies, and asserted he was "hugely proud" of the obedience tattoo design with its two lightning bolts.


"I have had it with these people crashing my rallies, and ruining the atmosphere of unchallenged hate for my supporters. From now on, anyone who wants to attend one of my rallies needs to swear loyalty to me and have a Trump Obedience Tattoo," declared Trump from his rather gaudy residence in New York City, which had a belligerent bald eagle flying loose inside of it.

1.09.2016

Gopher Infestation Cause of Increase in Earthquakes in Oklahoma

LAST UPDATED @ 7:52PM (1.9.2016)

Study blames insidious invasion of gophers for sharp rise in earthquakes in Oklahoma over last decade, and dismisses fracking as the cause.

Mary Fallin - Wikipedia
Governor of Oklahoma Mary Fallin.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Governor of Oklahoma Mary Fallin (R) declared the staggering increase in the frequency and strength of earthquakes in Oklahoma was not caused by hydraulic fracturing conducted by the oil and gas industry, but by an insidious gopher infestation. Fallin pledged to eradicate the earthquake-causing gophers, but warned citizens their state had likely been irreversibly damaged by the furry tunnelers and may permanently unseat California as the most earthquake-prone state in the Lower 48.


"A brand new scientific study clearly shows hundreds of millions of gophers are responsible for turning Oklahoma from a state with a couple of earthquakes per year into one with over 900 earthquakes of magnitude 3.0 or higher just in 2015," explained Fallin, who warned the gopher population would reach one billion if the "little critters" and their earthquake-causing ways were not stopped.

1.08.2016

"Weekend at Bernie's Economy" Continues to Screw Most Americans

LAST UPDATED @ 5:57PM (1.8.2016)

The Fed warns it can only keep the Weekend at Bernie's Economy going for so much longer, as the insatiable greed of those who are already fabulously rich and the unsustainable debt carried by a large number of Americans will inevitably threaten to bring the American economy down again.

Fed Chair Janet Yellen - Wikipedia
Fed Chair Janet Yellen (left) meets with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew.
Public Domain Image

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Federal Reserve confirmed the trillions of dollars it had printed and handed over to the financial sector to stimulate the economy since the 2008 financial crisis went almost exclusively to the richest Americans - and stayed there making them even wealthier. The Fed dubbed the unsustainable shadow economy it was running the "Weekend at Bernie's Economy" due to all of the strings it had to continue to pull in order to make it look like the economy was alive and working well for everyone when it only benefited a very small group of extremely rich investors.


"So rather than lending the money the Fed has been giving them to regular Americans or allowing record-breaking profits to trickle down to American workers by increasing their wages, the wealthiest Americans have simply invested the money to inflate stocks and make themselves even more money," explained Fed Chair Janet Yellen, who seemed surprised wealthy Americans didn't want to share the money the government simply gave them.

1.07.2016

Funerals for Blacks Seizing Federal Building Would Be Over By Now

LAST UPDATED @ 10:38PM (1.7.2016)

TNA study finds terrorism committed by certain groups is far more likely to result in deadly law enforcement action than others.


Malheur Alert - U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service
Notice from U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service website on 1.7.2016. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, TNA released the results of a study on what would happen if a federal building was seized by a group of armed Black Americans last weekend. Its conclusion was if such a group seized a federal building and its members dared federal authorities to attack them their funerals would be ending right about now.


"The delusional and poorly supplied right-wing domestic terrorists who seized a federal building located in an Oregon wildlife refuge are still alive. So they are way ahead of the game there," said Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.

1.05.2016

Hillary Criticizes Bernie's Plan to Break Up Her Friends' Banks

LAST UPDATED @ 10:33PM (1.5.2016)

Hillary Clinton asserts it will be unfair to her bankster friends if they cannot steal money from the commercial bank accounts of regular Americans to make extremely risky investments, because then they would lose their own money for making poor business decisions and not get to stick taxpayers with the bill.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton criticized rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for "picking on" her bankster friends who run the financial institutions responsible for the 2008 economic crisis. Clinton took serious issue with Sanders' plan to break up commercial and investment banks, because that would prevent her bankster pals from using the bank deposits of regular Americans to make extremely risky investments and stick American taxpayers with the bill when they lose big.


"Bernie Sanders wants to prevent my good friends, and largest donors, from taking money in the commercial bank accounts of everyday Americans so their investment banks can gamble on high-risk deals and make American taxpayers suffer the consequences if it all goes bust," declared Clinton, whose face was red with anger at the prospect of her friends losing their own money in bad business deals.

1.04.2016

Seizing Federal Building and Daring Feds to Attack Almost Certainly Terrorism, Treason

LAST UPDATED @ 11:27AM (1.5.2016)

George Washington - Wikipedia
Washington (above, tallest man) took issue with challenges to federal authority.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the U.S. Department of Reality released a report that concluded seizing a federal building and daring federal agents to attack in order to incite a deadly confrontation were almost certainly acts of terrorism and treason. This conclusion was virtually inevitable, regardless of why the federal building was seized.

"You cannot seize a federal building and dare agents of the federal government to come in and kill you if they want it back. And the circumstances around why you seized the building really don't matter," said Secretary of Reality Horace Green.

1.03.2016

GOP to Build More Schools When they Can be Dropped on People

LAST UPDATED @ 11:59PM (1.3.2016)

Congressional Republicans pledge to provide funding to build more schools when the buildings can be dropped on people and exploded.

Arms Industry - Wikipedia
A shell filling factory during World War I. (Above) (Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Congressional Republicans announced they would use American tax dollars to build new schools when the buildings could be dropped on people and exploded. Republicans were unwilling to even discuss funding the construction of any new schools unless they could meet the needs of perpetual war.


"You show me plans for a school that can explode after we can drop it on people from an American aircraft, and I will show you the funding," said House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI-01).

1.02.2016

Patriotic American Kids Happy to Go Hungry for Tax Cuts for the Rich

LAST UPDATED @ 4:33PM (1.2.2016)

Hunger in the United States - Wikipedia
American kids being 'takers' by eating food provided by big government. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the results of a TNA study on American kids who lived in poverty and routinely went hungry discovered over 80% of the starving kids were happy to not be "takers" and miss entire meals so the wealthy could receive more tax cuts. The hungry children saw malnourishment as their patriotic duty, and remained cautiously optimistic that decades of tax cuts for the wealthy would soon allow money to trickle down to the poor, as well as stop austerity measures pushed by Republicans that refuse to fund wasteful programs designed to feed starving children living in poverty.


"Our study found 80.2% of American kids living in poverty and at daily risk of missing critical meals believed they were patriots by not being 'takers' who expect the government to give them 'free stuff.' They celebrated the rich tax cuts for destroying the social safety net that would have made sure they had food simply for being children living in the world's richest country," explained TNA Senior Researcher Dick Schneider, who had returned from his holiday vacation early.

1.01.2016

Trump: "White Americans Will Earn Less, but Blacks Way Less"

LAST UPDATED @ 11:42PM (1.1.2016)

Trump tells White Americans they will earn less money when he is president, but promises Blacks and other groups will earn even less so White Americans can feel superior to them.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC. Trump pledges lower wages for all. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and emotionally unstable billionaire Donald Trump told his Caucasian supporters they will have lower wages when he becomes president, but not as low as groups like Blacks, Hispanics, and/or Muslims. Trump promised American Caucasians a reward for their ongoing refusal to join with Americans of other races and religious creeds to demand better wages and working conditions, namely by having those groups to look down on and feel superior to.


"I am going to make America great, but mainly by making super-wealthy people like me even richer. White Americans will earn less, but Blacks way less. And I am talking hugely less money, and just way worse working conditions for the Blacks than you guys," declared Trump, who spoke to a crowd chanting "U-S-A."

DISCLAIMER NOTICE:

The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.