Hillary's 2016 Resolution: Destroy Bernie, "Seem Nice While Doing It"

LAST UPDATED @ 12:19AM (1.1.2016)

Hillary Clinton resolves to destroy Bernie Sanders and everything he loves in 2016, but not in a way that will make her favorability numbers worse than they already are.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced her 2016 resolution was to "completely destroy" U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her primary challenger for the party's presidential nomination. Clinton asserted she wanted to tear down Sanders, and everything he ever loved, while also desiring to "seem nice while doing it" so her already upside-down favorability numbers did not go even lower.

"My 2016 resolution is to do everything I can to burn Bernie Sanders and everyone he loves to the ground, because he is the only thing standing in the way of me being the Democratic presidential nominee. Sanders will not do to me what Obama did to me in 2008," declared a spry 69-year-old Clinton, who added, "And does anyone know Bernie Sanders is a 75-year-old socialist?"


Tax Cuts for Wealthy, Gov't Services Cuts for Americans a Coincidence

LAST UPDATED @ 11:11PM (12.30.2015)

Conservative think tank declares study finds no link between tax cuts for the rich and government services cuts for a vast majority of Americans.

GOP on Wikipedia
The Republican Party is all about tax cuts for the rich and austerity for you.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the conservative think tank Work Harder, America (WHA) released the results of a study on tax cuts for the wealthy, and government services cuts for the vast majority of Americans. The study clearly showed the wealthy paying less in taxes had nothing to do with tax revenue shortfalls that gave conservatives a pretext to assert government budgets must be balanced by austerity measures targeting critical services like education, food assistance, healthcare, and infrastructure.

"As we predicted, there is absolutely no causal relationship between the wealthy paying less in taxes, and cuts to government services for the vast majority of Americans. Once again, we have concluded the only way to save government services from being cut is for Americans to work harder," stated WHA President Jeremiah Slaver.


Ben Carson Loses Pants While Hunting Unicorn in Kitchen

LAST UPDATED @ 5:43PM (12.29.2015)

Dr. Carson was unavailable to the press for the entire day after losing his slacks during a unicorn safari in his kitchen.

Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson. (Above)

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the struggling Republican presidential campaign of neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced the candidate would not be available to the press for the entire day. The press had been waiting for planned remarks from Dr. Carson when reporters were told he had lost his pants while hunting a unicorn in his kitchen.

"Unfortunately, Dr. Carson will be unavailable to the press today. He has decided to spend his day searching for a pair of slacks he lost in his kitchen," stated Jimmy Lang, a campaign staffer no longer receiving a paycheck.


Trump Afraid Bernie Sanders Will Present Americans Actual Solutions

LAST UPDATED @ 5:33PM (12.28.2015)

Trump attacks Bernie Sanders for trying to steal his supporters by showing Americans actual solutions to the issues they are so angry about.

Bernie Sanders
U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders during a filibuster in December 2010. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump declared he was very afraid U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - a Democratic presidential candidate - will steal his supporters by offering Americans actual solutions to the issues they are so angry and frustrated about. Trump criticized Sanders for attempting to expose him as the billionaire fraud he actually was, and giving Americans rational alternatives to punitive non-solutions based on hate and fear.

"Bernie Sanders is just a huge loser socialist who is trying to make it look like he represents everything that is right with America, and I represent everything that is wrong with America. Sanders is absolutely crazy if he thinks he can show my supporters there are alternatives to my violence-heavy non-solutions to their overwhelming hate and fear," said Trump, who wore a pink "Make America Great Again" cap.


Americans Excited for ISIS War at Expense of Own Standard of Living

LAST UPDATED @ 9:37PM (12.27.2015)

Americans enthusiastic about paying for perpetual war with cuts to programs designed to give them the high standard of living they should expect to have in the world's richest country.

Iran (in green above), the place many Republicans and war profiteers want to invade after beating ISIS.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the results of a TNA study were released and showed over 67% of Americans were eager for a new ground war in the Middle East, which will initially target the Islamic State (ISIS) before putting Iran in its sights. The hawkish Americans asserted there should always be money for war, and American citizens should have to pay the price of funding the overseas empire with cuts to social safety net programs, education, infrastructure, and healthcare, among many other things.

"Our study showed 67.8% of Americans surveyed supported a new ground war in the Middle East to fight ISIS, and most of them agreed once ground forces are in the region it may be a good idea to attack Iran and anyone else who gives us so much as a dirty look," reported Max Bigelow, who was covering for his boss Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.


Trump and Cruz Both Claim to be the Man to Curb Most Civil Liberties

LAST UPDATED @ 11:01PM (12.26.2015)

Trump asserts "there is no way Rafael Edward Cruz will rob Americans of more freedoms than I will. No way."

Senator Ted Cruz at 2014 CPAC. Cruz claims to be more anti-liberty than Trump.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas both claimed to be the person who wanted to curb the most civil liberties. The two privately conceded it was critical for the eventual Republican presidential nominee to secure the block of conservative voters that routinely claimed a Democratic president was taking their freedoms away, but enthusiastically volunteered their freedoms to a Republican president while caught up in a nationalistic fervor.

"Ted Cruz and I are very good friends, but there is no way he is going to take away more civil liberties from Americans than I will. Everyone knows keeping Americans safe is more important than some stupid freedoms," declared Trump, who paused for his supporters to applaud.


Conservative Uncle Gives Himself Immunity from Providing Evidence

LAST UPDATED @ 7:58PM (12.25.2015)

Uncle Dick Goop gave himself immunity from providing evidence in support of his Republican talking points this Christmas.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC. Uncle Dick supports Trump.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

EAST PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Today, conservative Uncle Dick Goop gave himself immunity from having to provide evidence in support of his political arguments while he attended a Christmas dinner at his mother-in-law's house. Goop, a Republican and resident of neighboring Massachusetts, refused to grant such immunity to any of his progressive family members, whom he hounded mercilessly to provide evidence for everything they said.

"Uncle Dick gets worse every year. This year he kept interrupting everything the progressives in the family were trying to say, and demanded evidence. To make it way worse, he decided not to even put the minimal effort he usually does to cite unreliable conservative propaganda sources," explained Gabriel Crossington, a progressive and the eldest nephew of Goop.


O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly Serenade Black Santa with "White Christmas"

LAST UPDATED @ 1:14PM (12.24.2015)

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox News entertainers Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly were detained by the New York City Police Department (NYPD) for stalking a black Santa Claus down Sixth Avenue and serenading him with the Christmas song "White Christmas." Fox News and the NYPD have both released statements declaring neither O'Reilly or Kelly was arrested, though witnesses claimed Bill O'Reilly came close to being arrested for "pushing his luck" with the officers.

"You know, I don't get what the problem is. Kelly and I try to do a nice thing and spread the Christmas spirit around, and this black Santa calls the police," protested Bill O'Reilly, who ignored Fox News CEO Roger Ailes' directive not to speak about the early-morning incident.


Trump Suspends GOP Presidential Campaign, Chastises Supporters

LAST UPDATED @ 2:25PM (12.23.2015)

Trump confesses Republican presidential campaign was master political satire, chastises supporters for cheering increasingly extreme rhetoric.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced he was "giving America an early Christmas present" and suspended his campaign. Trump confessed his presidential run was the type of theater only a master political satirist like him could pull off, and chastised his supporters for thinking such a detestable and bigoted character should be President of the Unites States of America.

"I just can't do it anymore. It's so exhausting listening to you people whine about blacks, and Muslims, and women, and so many other things. And everyone pretending so hard that they are not huge bigots willing to destroy the personal freedoms they claim to cherish just so they can hurt others and feel a little safer," declared Trump, who was so pleased with his performance he was glowing.


Corporate Media Working on Plan for When Sanders Starts Winning

LAST UPDATED @ 6:03PM (12.22.2015)

Bernie Sanders
U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders during a filibuster in December 2010. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the largest corporate media outlets in the United States announced they were "working very, very hard" on a plan to continue trying to make U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont look unelectable in 2016 even when he started to win states and delegates in the Democratic Party presidential primaries. The corporate propaganda syndicate conceded its efforts to ignore and portray Bernie Sanders as unelectable had, thus far, failed to convince many Americans of the inevitability of Hillary Clinton - the pro-war, pro-fear, and status quo candidate considered the darling of Wall Street - being the Democratic presidential nominee.

"Far too many Americans are simply not 'getting with the program.' They are ignoring our propaganda regarding Bernie Sanders, which dismisses him as unelectable despite both his popularity and crowds topping those of Republican presidential candidate, and professional clown, Donald Trump's," declared Arnold Titan, an intern speaking on behalf of CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, and many other American propaganda outlets.


Santorum: Women Back in Kitchen Only Way to Stop Right-Wing Domestic Terrorism

LAST UPDATED @ 8:48PM (12.21.2015)

Rick Santorum on Wikipedia
Rick Santorum speaking at the 2015 CPAC in Maryland on 2.27.2015. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania declared the only way to stop male Caucasians from using their guns and dangerous right-wing ideology in acts of domestic terrorism was to put women back in the kitchen. Santorum pledged to stop right-wing terrorism, and urged American women to help him by quickly finding a husband, having more kids, and getting reacquainted with working almost exclusively in their home, especially kitchen.

"As president, I will be tough on Islamic terrorists, and hunt them down using any means necessary. But when it comes to stopping white males from engaging in right-wing domestic terrorism with their guns, I am going to need help from all of America's ladies," stated Santorum, who strained to smile.


Woman Outraged No One Keeping Her from Saying "Merry Christmas"

LAST UPDATED @ 7:32PM (12.20.2015)

Fox "News" windbag Bill O'Reilly - " King of the Christmas Whiners." (Above)

PENSACOLA, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, avid Fox News viewer and Glenn Beck listener Nora Jolly declared she was outraged no one was stopping her from saying "Merry Christmas." Jolly - a casual church-goer who prefers to converse with God directly - told TNA she actively attempted to provoke multiple confrontations with unfortunate cashiers and other consumers at well-known department stores near her home, and no one told her she could not use the Christmas pleasantry.

"I don't know what is happening to America when I cannot start a fight over my besieged freedom to say 'Merry Christmas.' Multiple cashiers and other employees at nearly a dozen department stores refused to validate my belief that Christians like myself are victims being told not to say 'Merry Christmas,'" protested a highly offended Mrs. Jolly, a school secretary and mother of seven.


Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin Sexting for Over Six Months

LAST UPDATED @ 3:24PM (12.19.2015)

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC. Trump confirms sexting with Putin. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump confirmed reports he had been sexting with Russian President Vladimir Putin for over six months. Governor of Ohio John Kasich - a rival Republican presidential candidate, who refuses to make public the "very troubling" sexts - discovered the long-term sexting relationship between Trump and Putin after becoming convinced he should investigate the relationship between the two after days of them being very complimentary of each other in the media.

"First, I just want to say that Governor Kasich is just a huge joke, and really very stupid. I have been so polite, and I mean super-nice, to that loser and he has to pry into my personal life and find out I have been sexting with Vladimir Putin for the better part of a year," stated Trump, who was so angry he took his "Make America Great Again" cap off and threw it to the ground.


DNC Changes Name to "Elect Hillary Clinton President 2016"

LAST UPDATED @ 9:19PM (12.18.2015)

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Hillary Clinton shill. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced it was changing its name to "Elect Hillary Clinton President 2016," and publicly committed itself to destroying the campaign of U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont "by any means necessary." Debbie Wasserman Schultz declared she was already using her position as chair of the DNC's successor organization to cripple the Sanders campaign by restricting its access to critical voter information it needed to contact and mobilize its supporters.

"It should be clear to everyone by now that I want Hillary Clinton to become president, so the Democratic National Committee is renaming itself 'Elect Hillary Clinton President 2016,'" stated Debbie Wasserman Schultz, the former chair of the DNC famous for inexplicably losing elections across the country to deranged Teabaggers interested in destroying the government.


Trump's Minions Want Guy to Drink with Prior to Assaulting Muslims

LAST UPDATED @ 5:27PM (12.17.2016)

Donald Trump speaking at the 2015 CPAC in Maryland on 2.27.2015. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA released the results of a survey of Donald Trump supporters to discover their primary reason for supporting the billionaire Republican presidential candidate. Just over 93% of the surveyed Trump supporters confessed they wanted "someone cool" to have a few drinks with prior to a busy night of assaulting suspected Muslims, as well as anyone seemingly not white, Christian, and/or American enough.

"As with all of our studies related to Donald Trump supporters, this one was very troubling and left the TNA research team extremely pessimistic for the future of America. I am pretty sure the inner child inside of every person who works for me has died or been placed into a permanent coma," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who disclosed his inner child had also not been spared.


Turkey Buying Oil from Small Businessmen in All-Black Clothing

LAST UPDATED @ 8:56PM (12.16.2015)

Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoğan
In 2013, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan was Prime Minister of Turkey.

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, an anonymous high-ranking source inside the Turkish government informed TNA that Turkey was illegally purchasing oil from small businessmen wearing all-black clothing. The source asserted many of the small businessmen were very likely active members of the Islamic State (ISIS), a charge Turkey quickly denied.

"Turkey is purchasing oil from men who all seem to have identical preferences for Toyota trucks and black clothing with "ISIS" written in Arabic all over it. Agents of Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, the President of Turkey, conduct daily business with these people, who they claim are 'enterprising small businessmen,'" explained the anonymous source.


"Militia" Not Referring to Militias Formed in Friend's Backyard

LAST UPDATED @ 12:30PM (12.15.2015)

Deaths Due to Misreading of the Second Amendment
The result of a misreading of the words "well regulated militia." (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA released a report following its consultation with Second Amendment experts from every academic corner of the United States regarding the "well regulated militia." The scholars confirmed the Second Amendment was not referring to treasonous militias formed in a friend's backyard to overthrow the government, but well-regulated militias run by state governments.

"Contrary to popular right-wing belief, the Second Amendment does not protect a right to form a militia in a family member's or friend's backyard with the objective of overthrowing the government," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who consulted with the nation's foremost academics on the Second Amendment for two months.


Healthy, Informed Citizenry Dismisses Sandy Hook "Truthers"

LAST UPDATED @ 7:25PM (12.14.2015) 

Police arrive at Sandy Hook Elementary on 12.14.2012.

NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, an American society boasting informed, healthy citizens dismissed the rantings of Sandy Hook conspiracy theorists, who either denied the December 14th, 2012 mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School took place, or asserted it was a false flag operation perpetrated by the federal government as a pretext to seize guns. Americans united against such naked extremism, because their society was not rotting from the inside out due to racial and religious conflicts stoked by the rich and exacerbated by protracted catastrophic economic conditions for the poor and middle class.

"I don't know how anyone can believe those demented Sandy Hook truthers, and their denial about 20 school children and six staff members being shot to death right before Christmas in 2012," stated Margery Thatch, a Newton, Connecticut mother of three and survivor of cancer who did not lose her job or house five years ago due to family leave and healthcare provided by the government.


Corporate Media: Bernie Sanders "Too Serious" for American People

LAST UPDATED @ 5:08PM (12.13.2015)

Bernie Sanders
U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders during a filibuster in December 2010. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the largest corporate media outlets in the United States confessed they were purposely ignoring U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - a Democratic presidential candidate - as much as they could. The corporate media syndicate asserted Sanders was "too serious" about running for president, and his focus on all the negative characteristics of the United States made him "too pessimistic and objective" for an American public that must focus on being afraid of terrorism, conformity to the status quo, celebrity drama, and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

"If Bernie Sanders could tone down his objective look at the United States, maybe he would get more time with the American people. Sanders may be attracting the largest crowds of all the presidential candidates, but we won't encourage such a pessimistic view of America when everything is already great," declared Arnold Titan, an intern speaking on behalf of CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, and many other American propaganda outlets.


Teabaggers Ruin "Don't Tread On Me" Flag for Majority of Americans

LAST UPDATED @ 7:36PM (12.12.2015)

Gadsden Flag
The Gadsden flag, ruined by Teabaggers. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, TNA released the results of a survey measuring how likely Americans were to buy and publicly display a Gadsden flag, which has had low favorability ratings among Americans since 2008. Over 71% of the Americans surveyed disclosed they would not purchase or fly a Gadsden flag so they could avoid being associated with American Teabaggers, who have made the Gadsden flag a symbol of their abundant ignorance regarding both American government and history.

"Nearly 72% of Americans taking part in the survey made it abundantly clear that Teabaggers were the primary reason the Gadsden flag had fallen out of favor with them. American Teabaggers have seriously damaged the flag's brand," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.


TPP to Protect American Freedoms to Lower Wages, Unemployment

LAST UPDATED @ 2:26PM (12.11.2015)

President Obama speaks to Congress in February 2009.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal the president intends to sign - will protect the freedoms of all Americans to earn lower wages and become unemployed. President Obama explained the two innately-American liberties would be protected by the TPP, which will make it even easier for corporations to offshore American jobs to countries with lower wages.

"The Trans-Pacific Partnership will protect the traditional American liberties to earn less money for the same amount of labor, or maybe even more labor, and become unemployed due to no fault of your own," declared President Obama, who conceded the disappearing American middle class "would be lucky to survive the TPP."

Obama added, "TPP gives corporations even more incentives to outsource American jobs to countries that pay their workers far less money than what people are compensated for their labor in the United States."


CDC: Donald Trump and Ted Cruz Test Positive for Fascism Virus

Last Updated @ 6:43PM (12.10.2015)

Donald Trump speaking on 2.27.2015. He has tested positive for Fascism.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) declared Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) had tested positive for the Fascism Virus - a mutation of the Right-wing Propaganda Virus. The CDC warned Americans the Fascism Virus was a highly-contagious airborne and electromagnetic superbug with no known cure short of a proper liberal education and being an informed citizen.

"All Americans should stay as far away as they can from billionaire Donald Trump and Senator Ted Cruz. They have both tested positive for the Fascism Virus, a mutation of the Right-wing Propaganda Virus that can be spread even if you just listen to them on the radio or on television," warned Dr. Atlas Vigilance, who was visibly shaking and seemed abnormally pale.

Vigilance continued, "Americans can easily spot someone afflicted with the Fascism Virus by paying careful attention to what they say and what they do. If someone wants to shred the Constitution and curtail personal freedoms in the name of order, punishing real and imagined internal enemies, and waging foreign war, then that person has the Fascism Virus."


Preliminary GOP Healthcare Plan Slated for Unveiling in 2219

LAST UPDATED @ 8:20PM (12.9.2015)

Paul Ryan speaking at CPAC in March 2014. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) declared Congressional Republicans will unveil their preliminary plan to replace Obamacare in 2219. Ryan urged Americans not to be concerned about Republicans incessantly attempting to kill the Affordable Care Act, because a plan to replace President Obama's signature healthcare law was already in the pipeline.

"Americans can rest assured that Congressional Republicans aren't just going to destroy the Affordable Care Act and not replace it with something else. That would be immoral and definitely the last thing we would do to earn major political points with low-information voters," announced Ryan, who had still not taken care of his beard.

Speaker Ryan added, "I just want Americans to know that there may be a brief gap of time between Congressional Republicans ripping healthcare away from Americans, and the Republican replacement being passed into law."

Ted Cruz Eager for Donald Trump's Sloppy Seconds

LAST UPDATED @ 8:43PM (12.9.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas declared he was avoiding political attacks on opponent and billionaire Donald Trump in order to woo Trump's supporters after they have dumped Trump. Cruz conceded it was critical for him to gain the support of what he called "the growing fascist segment of the Republican Party."

"I love Donald Trump, and we're like best friends. I don't wish him ill, and I think he would be an excellent Constitution-stomping and Muslim-murdering commander-in-chief," stated Cruz, who tried his best to act like a person with a vast array of functioning emotions.

Senator Cruz added, "Having said that, I think I would be a pretty awesome president, too. I am totally behind stopping Muslims from coming into America, trampling liberty in the name of security, and killing as many foreigners as it takes to keep Americans safe."


Speaker Ryan Just as Bad at Job as the Other Guy, Gov't to Shut Down

LAST UPDATED @ 1:28PM (12.8.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) confirmed he was just as bad at his job as his predecessor John Boehner, because the federal government was almost certain to shut down at the end of the week. Ryan asserted he may actually be worse than Boehner due to his over willingness to allow ultra-extreme-right-wing Republicans to have their Teabagger tantrum over Planned Parenthood and Obamacare, and callously harm veterans, the elderly, the poor, at-risk children, the sick and disabled, and many other groups that depend on government assistance simply to survive.

"Americans should expect the federal government to shut down at the end of the week, because it is pretty much imminent at this point. I will be very busy with House Republicans and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell sending bills to the White House that everyone knows President Obama will never sign," stated Speaker Ryan, who warned reporters beforehand he would not answer questions about his beard.

Ryan continued, "Veterans, the poor, disabled, the elderly, and so many others should prepare themselves for an unknown period of time where they will be completely cut-off from critical government assistance. And Republicans are doing this to hurt other people like Syria refugees while we give the wealthy Christmas gifts like lower taxes and killing the ban on exporting crude oil.


Ted Cruz Announces "Make America a Christian Iran" Platform

 LAST UPDATED @ 7:20PM (12.7.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas announced his plan to turn the United States into a merciless Christian theocracy. Cruz called his new platform "Make America a Christian Iran," but informed Americans the Christian dictatorship he imagined for America could also be compared to the brutal Islamic regime in Saudi Arabia.

"Americans can look to the brutal, heretical, and sinful Muslim regimes in Iran and Saudi Arabia to get an idea of what I am all about, and what my political business is all about," stated Cruz, who tried to speak and move like a non-psychopathic human would.

Cruz continued, "My campaign slogan compares my vision for America to Iran mainly because 'Iran' is shorter name than 'Saudi Arabia.' But mark my words, non-Christians in this country are not going to have a good time if I am elected president."


President Obama Designates NRA "Domestic Terrorist Organization"

LAST UPDATED @ 4:21PM (12.6.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, President Obama designated the National Rifle Association (NRA) a "Domestic Terrorist Organization" and instructed the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) to destroy the highly organized terror network "for waging a campaign of terror on the American people." Both DHS and the FBI - who have been warning of right-wing terrorism for years - have already raided NRA Headquarters in Fairfax, Virgina, and arrested key members of the organization they hope will help lead them to NRA leader Wayne LaPierre.

"Earlier today, I declared the NRA a 'Domestic Terrorist Organization.' The NRA has been giving right-wing domestic terrorists moral and material support to wage a war on the American people. As a result, I have instructed the FBI and DHS to freeze all NRA assets, raid the organization's headquarters, and arrest all of its high-ranking members," explained Obama, who addressed his fellow Americans from behind his desk in the Oval Office.

President Obama continued, "The NRA has actively encouraged disaffected right-wing extremists to believe the Second Amendment protects their freedom to bear arms regardless of circumstances and how many Americans are killed by firearms. Our streets are now awash with weapons of war under the guise of self-protection, which is directly related to the NRA's victim-blaming and false promise of absolute protection if all Americans are armed."


Donald Trump Declares Himself an Expert on Wind Power

LAST UPDATED @ 4:58PM (12.5.2015)

COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and megalomaniac billionaire Donald Trump told voters he was an expert on wind power, and viewed wind as the most reliable and realistic renewable energy source. Trump pointed to the well-documented fact that his mouth routinely unleashed massive amounts of very loud, largely incoherent, inhumanly strong, and exceedingly angry hot air at campaign events and virtually every other place graced with his presence.

"Wind power is amazing, just huge, and it will be the future of American renewable energy. Just take it from me, because I know a thing or two about generating a lot of wind," stated Trump, who confessed he had been called  "windbag" and "gasbag" on multiple occasions.

Trump added, "You know me. The amount of wind I generate in just one speech to angry, low-information Republican primary voters like all of you could power an absolutely huge, and I am talking about really big, wind farm. Huge, I am saying. Did I say 'huge?'"


Defense Contractors Predict "Win" in ISIS War, Lots of Money

LAST UPDATED @ 6:32PM (12.4.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, American defense contractors predicted hundreds of thousands of American ground troops will win the imminent, expanded war against the Islamic State (ISIS) in Syria, Iraq, and probably elsewhere. The arms producers expected to make an acceptable profit before, during, and after the war, and defined "win" as the United States and its allies leaving a power vacuum in the region to guarantee future armed conflicts and demand for weapons.

"The United States will have some of the best ground weapons American taxpayers can buy, and it will crush ISIS in Syria and Iraq. Another place on America's not-so-secret Middle East hit list may also be crossed off using our weapons, which we stand behind 110%," explained Lockheed Martin Corp. Senior Spokesman Cecil Meyers, who coughed and said "Iran" at the same time.

Meyers added, "And after the war, companies like Lockheed Martin will place pressure on lawmakers in Congress to stay in the region for as long as possible. In the event the United States ever does leave, this company and its competitors will do all we can to promote instability in the region and all over the globe."


Cow Dung Bust of Dick Cheney Unveiled, Iraqis Throw Shoes at It

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a cow dung bust of former Vice President Dick Cheney was unveiled in the Capitol Visitor Center's Emancipation Hall. The unveiling ceremony attracted the likes of former President George W. Bush and Iraqi dignitaries, who threw their shoes at both the cow dung representation of Cheney and Cheney himself.

"I am pretty honored to speak in front of you all today to unveil this cow dung bust of me, which honors my legacy of endless war and war profiteering. It doesn't even smell that bad, and I am wondering if only the outside is dyed white or all of the cow dung is dyed white," declared Cheney, who ducked as a fresh volley of shoes was thrown at him.

Cheney added, "It's weird that this thing is smiling, though. I don't do that. Anyway, I want to use this occasion to remind all Americans that I kept them safe, except on 9/11, of course. But after that, all the torturing and the wars that made me and my friends rich also kept you ungrateful wretches safe."


Wealthy Paying Less Taxes and Collapse of Middle Class a Coincidence

LAST UPDATED @ 3:12PM (12.2.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, the conservative think tank Work Harder, America (WHA) released the results of a study on the collapse of the middle class in America. The study clearly showed the wealthy paying less in taxes had nothing to do with the disappearing middle class, which simply needed to work harder for the wealth to trickle down to it.

"The reality that the American economy grew far more from the end of World War II to about 1980 than it has since has nothing to do with the fact corporations and wealthy Americans were taxed at a far higher rate. That's just a coincidence," stated Work Harder America President Jeremiah Slaver.

Slaver added, "Likewise, on the wages of average Americans decreasing while corporate productivity and profits have increased. It's just another coincidence. So Americans need to stop complaining and work harder, especially since their wages are so very low for their labor."


Dept. of Reality Demands Plan to Avoid Power Vacuum Prior to Wars Against ISIS, Syria, Iran

LAST UPDATED @ 6:23(12.1.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the U.S. Department of Reality demanded a clear plan from hawks in Congress showing how they intended to prevent a power vacuum from forming in the Middle East following the ground war against ISIS, and the invasions of Syria and Iran they have called for. Congressional Republicans renewed their calls to defund the Department of Reality, which cited the American invasion of Iraq in 2003 that completely lacked post-invasion planning and resulted in both a power vacuum and a costly American occupation - in human life and treasure.

"The Department of Reality wants a plan that clearly shows how the Middle East is not completely destabilized by the reintroduction of large numbers of American ground forces. We know both ISIS and Syrian President Assad will be targeted, and also believe Iran will be next," stated Secretary of Reality Horace Green.

Secretary Green added, "So I want the hawks in Congress to submit a detailed plan showing how the United States won't just make matters worse and create another quagmire for itself. How will another American ground war help anyone but our enemies, fear-mongering politicians, and the military-industrial complex?"


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