5.31.2015

GOP Unveils "Say Good Bye Program" for Illegal Immigrant Kids

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Republican Party announced a bold new community outreach initiative named the Say Good Bye to Mommy and/or Daddy Program. Called simply the Say Good Bye Program, it involves each Republican in Congress personally informing the US citizen children of illegal immigrants they must "say good bye" to one or both of their parents.

"I have already met some very nice Texans who are going to be deported tomorrow. But what really strikes me is how overwhelmed by emotion their American children are when they hear about our wonderful Say Good Bye Program," stated presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (TX-R).

5.30.2015

Most Americans Support Sending Troops to Iraq, Wherever that Is

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A TNA survey today found most Americans support sending ground troops back to Iraq despite not knowing where Iraq is. Sixty-two percent of surveyed Americans want ground troops redeployed to Iraq to fight the Islamic State (ISIS) compared to 33 percent who oppose sending troops.

Only two out of every ten Americans who support sending ground troops back to Iraq were able to locate Iraq on a map. Egypt, Japan, Italy, Brazil, Rhode Island, Canada, and Antarctica were all erroneously identified as Iraq the most often.

Lincoln Zanger, the director of the survey, stated, "It seems to be too much to ask a large majority of Americans to actually know where the place they support sending American troops into harm's way is. They might as well say they support sending troops to Shangri-La."

5.29.2015

Nearly Every Republican Too Cowardly for 2012 is in for 2016

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Republican National Committee (RNC) Chairman Reince Priebus announced today that nearly every Republican too cowardly to challenge Obama in 2012 is in for 2016. Priebus assured Americans there would be no more than 400 additional Republicans running for president and "only two or three" would be familiar to Americans.

"Most Republicans not stupid enough to run against Obama in 2012 are very excited about actually having a chance to win in 2016. They also look forward to characterizing Hillary Clinton as a fascist-communist while also making cases for how all their Republican opponents are glaringly unqualified," stated Priebus.

5.28.2015

Pataki Announces Presidential Run to Empty Room

EXETER, NEW HAMPSHIRE (The Nil Admirari) - Former New York Governor George Pataki announced he was running for the Republican presidential nomination today. Pataki spoke to no one in an empty room as he laid out strongly held beliefs like "government bad" and "war good."

"If I am elected president I promise to listen to Republicans who want to go back into Iraq. My plan is to destroy everything there and then hope for the best," said Pataki.

The room remained in captivated silence as Pataki continued, "And I will increase military spending while I cut cut government spending on social programs for the weakest and most vulnerable in our society."

Santorum Asks Americans Not to Check Definition of "Santorum"

LEESBURG, VIRGINIA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum asked American voters today not to check the Urban Dictionary definition of his last name. Santorum tried to get voters to focus on other issues by stating, "there are plenty of problems and a lot of scary stuff in my platform you can bitch about."

"Instead of checking the definition of my last name just focus on how I oppose all forms of pornography and want to make gay sex between consenting adults illegal," said Santorum.

5.27.2015

BREAKING: Huckabee Hosted Josh Duggar at Memorial Day BBQ

BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee hosted confessed sexual predator and reality-show star Josh Duggar at his Memorial Day BBQ on Monday, two sources close to Huckabee confirmed today. Huckabee is running for the Republican presidential nomination and has been criticized by former supporters for his defense of the "19 Kids and Counting" star's criminal actions as a teen.

"Well, you know boys will be boys and I just love Josh and his devout evangelical Christian family on TLC. I especially like it when they throw stones from their glass house by condemning divorcees, women who want to control their reproductive health, and homosexuals," said Huckabee, who was unperturbed by Americans learning about the company he keeps.

5.26.2015

Vatican Warns Italians Not to Treat Gays Like People

VATICAN CITY (The Nil Admirari) - The Vatican warned Italians today not to even think about legalizing gay civil unions or - even worse - gay marriage . Its cautioning followed a popular vote in Ireland where 62% of voters approved of a constitutional amendment legalizing gay marriage.

"The Catholic Church will not be embarrassed by Italians who want to give consenting adults of the same gender the same rights as consenting adults of different genders," warned Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi.

Lombardi made sure to remind Italians of their past trespasses by adding, "We are still pissed off about that 1974 divorce referendum you totally ignored the us on, you unrepentant sinners and breakers of vows."

5.25.2015

NRA Gifts 25K Guns to Random Nonmembers on Memorial Day

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA (The Nil Admirari) - National Rifle Association (NRA) Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre announced today 25,000 random nonmembers of the NRA would be receiving loaded guns to celebrate Memorial Day. Lapierre stated the firearms would be personally delivered to the homes of lottery winning Americans by a liberally armed NRA member in their community.

"The NRA feels the best way to honor our fallen heroes on Memorial Day is to randomly deliver a wide range of loaded guns to Americans who are non-members," stated LaPierre.

5.24.2015

Majority of Iraqis Miss Saddam Hussein, Blame America

BAGHDAD, IRAQ (The Nil Admirari) - In the midst of a war with the Islamic State (ISIS) a large percentage of Iraqis said they missed their deposed and executed dictator Saddam Hussein, according to poll results released today. Over 80% of Iraq's population pined for the years of internal stability Saddam Hussein maintained by ruthlessly cracking down on political dissenters and sectarian religious conflicts.

"You know, Saddam Hussein wasn't so bad in hindsight," said Ahmad Massar. He held up a portrait of Saddam Hussein before adding, "The Americans really fucked us over."

5.23.2015

Bill O'Reilly Says Video of Him Kicking Puppy "100% False"

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Last night, Fox News talking head Bill O'Reilly used his show "The O'Reilly Factor" to assert a video showing him kicking a puppy was "100% false." O'Reilly played the video in which he could clearly be seen kicking a puppy and blamed "the liberal media" for producing the footage.

"I have never owned a puppy. I have never seen a puppy. I don't even know what a puppy is. And that is the fair and balanced truth," stated a very animated O'Reilly.

O'Reilly played the video a second time.  The split screen view showed him smirking at the footage of Bill O'Reilly kicking a St. Bernard in front of a nun and her Catholic school students.

5.22.2015

"Totally-Not-Gay Christian Leaders of America" Founded

CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE (The Nil Admirari) - A group of conservative Christian leaders announced the founding of a group called the Totally-Not-Gay Christian Leaders of America (TNGCLA) today. The nonprofit organization's primary mission will be to fight the gay civil rights movement while making it clear to everyone none of its upstanding members are gay.

"The Totally-Not-Gay Christian Leaders of America will be working tirelessly to fight against gay marriage and other gay rights issues," stated TNGCLA Communications Director Ben Neely.

5.21.2015

Republicans Compete Over Who Wants Most U.S. Troops in Iraq

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Every declared and undeclared Republican presidential candidate has said he or she wants to send the most U.S. troops back to Iraq. All agreed Obama was not doing enough to fight the Islamic State (ISIS) because he was "a big liberal pussy."

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) recently stated he wanted to send 10,000 troops back to Iraq, and every other Republican was quick to slam him "for being such a damn coward."

Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Carly Fiorina, and George Pataki all said they wanted to send well over 100,000 troops back to Iraq and desired to reinvade "like last week."

5.20.2015

Congress Says "Look Over There" as It Cuts Medicare

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Congress asked Americans - especially seniors - to "look over there" as it tried to sneakily place a $700 million cut to Medicare in the Fast Track Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) bill. The cut is being pushed by Republicans and some Senate Democrats.

"It is very important for Americans to look over there," stated Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), as he passed a document to Speaker John Boehner (R-OH).

5.19.2015

Most Americans Support Body Cameras on Elected Officials

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - A survey of 100,000 Americans found 91% "strongly supported" body cameras on all elected officials. A vast majority of Americans supported cameras because they served as a deterrent to crime by collecting evidence automatically, and protected elected officials from false accusations of corruption and other crimes.

"It is clear most Americans want to keep their elected officials safe and accountable during such a dangerous time when government corruption is at record highs," said senior researcher Dr. Martin Lang.

When Americans were asked specifically about members of Congress  97% "strongly supported" cameras on elected officials at the Capitol Building compared to 91% on the president and 96% on the Supreme Court justices (who are not elected, but are appointed by the senate).

5.18.2015

Jeb Bush to Gay Customers: "Screw You"

Jeb Bush (AP)

MUNCIE, INDIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Likely Republican presidential candidate and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush made a stop at a Muncie deli today and found the opportunity to clarify one of his positions. It all happened when a presumed gay couple entered Doomy Deli and tried to order some sandwiches from the evangelical Christian owner, Marsh Doomy (transcript below).
"You gay boys have to leave, because I don't support that," said Doomy. 
The men looked at each other before the taller of the two asked, "We can't buy sandwiches because you think we are gay?" 
"Yup," replied Doomy. "I can tell." 
A silent stalemate started to develop when Jeb Bush placed his Reuben sandwich down and stood between the deli owner and the shunned customers. 
"It's real simple, boys. Mr. Doomy's hateful religious beliefs are more important than the right you two think you should have to be treated equally under the law," explained Bush. 
"That's your position on this?" asked one of the men. 
"Well, that and screw you," replied Bush while the two men who were denied service left the deli and conservative patrons all around the dining room started to applaud.
The press later learned one of the two men is gay while the other is a married father of two and an American veteran of Afghanistan - like the friend he brought with him to Doomy Deli.

5.17.2015

Anti-Vaxxers Protest Bill Barring Them from Being Lethally Stupid

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - A small group of anti-vaccination Californians stood outside the California State Capital today to protest a bill that passed the state Senate and will prevent them from being lethally stupid members of their community. Specifically, SB 277 will remove the personal beliefs of parents as an exemption for a child to be vaccinated against diseases like measles, which protesters claimed violated their freedom.

"Who else is going to reintroduce deadly diseases that would otherwise be eliminated if I no longer have the freedom to prevent my children from being vaccinated against them?" asked Betty Cross, who held a creative sign depicting a child being stabbed by twenty syringes.

5.16.2015

America Unsure of How Many Wars it is Currently Waging

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the United States was unable to answer the question of how many wars it was currently taking part in. The White House, Pentagon, Department of Defense, Joint Chiefs of Staff, Department of State, Department of Homeland Security, NSA, CIA, Department of Agriculture, and every member of Congress gave different answers ranging from "zero" to "around 130" wars.

Some American individuals and entities could not even agree on the definition of "war." And those that could agree on a definition wanted to make a distinction between "proxy wars" and "war wars."

5.15.2015

Boston Marathon Bomber to Die, Nation Forgets About Years of Appeals

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was sentenced to death today by a jury in Boston. Most Americans celebrated the ruling forgetting Tsarnaev will not be executed until years of appeals have been exhausted.

"Awesome. That bastard had it coming," said legal layman and Quincy, Massachusetts resident David Goliath. He was with a group of like-minded citizens at a local bar where they first heard about the death sentence.

Goliath was soon informed by a member of the press he would be waiting a little while for Tsarnaev's death sentence to be carried out, assuming it is not thrown out during the appeal process.

Reagan Preferred Presidential Candidate of Republican Voters

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - The ghost of President Ronald Reagan is the preferred presidential candidate of Republican primary voters by double digits in nearly every poll. Nancy Reagan, the widow of the former president, told the press today political observers are wrong when they claim it is impossible for a ghost to be president.

"The ghost of my husband can run the country. All we need to do is find the right person to span the physical and spiritual worlds, and I believe I have found that person," stated the former first lady.

5.14.2015

Jeb Bush Says He "Would Attack Iraq Right Now" If He Could

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) -  Likely Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush was in Iowa today where he told a group of supporters he "would attack Iraq right now" if he could. Political observers have characterized Bush's remarks as him doubling down on his statement earlier in the week that he still would have invaded Iraq in 2003 knowing the intelligence used to justify the war was faulty.

"The hell with it. Let me get all of my cards on the table. If I had control of the U.S. military today I would attack Iraq right now and we would be occupying it for a good long time," said Bush.

5.13.2015

DoD Admits Invasion of Texas Associated with "Jade Helm 15"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - DoD Secretary Ashton B. Carter admitted today there will be an invasion of Texas associated with the "Jade Helm 15" U.S. military exercise that has many Texans worried their state will be placed under martial law. Ashton cautioned Texans the invasion "isn't the kind you are so concerned about."

"The DoD is going to use one-fourth of its 2015 budget on mental health workers to descend upon Texas in the next few days, weeks, and probably months. Their mission will be to assess and treat what we believe is a mental health epidemic there," said Carter.

5.12.2015

Sarah Palin Unable to Identify Russia, U.S., Alaska on Map

WASILLA, ALASKA (The Nil Admirari) - Potential 2016 Republican presidential candidate Sarah Palin was unable to locate Russia, the United States, and her home state of Alaska on a map today. The tough inquiries for the former 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate came during a visit to Mrs. Rogan's fifth grade classroom at Cottonhill Creek Elementary School.

"Well, I hope all your quizzes and tests aren't so darn hard," stated Palin, who smiled and blushed.

"They're not," replied a young boy at the front of the classroom.

Mrs. Rogan tried her best to change the subject, but many of the students in the classroom expressed serious concerns about their former governor's geographical knowledge.

Banks Preparing for "Unavoidable Crash" in 2016, "Feel Pretty Good"

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Wall Street informed America today there will be an "unavoidable crash" of the stock market in 2016. The nation's financial institutions were represented by Jamie Dimon - chairman, president, and chief executive officer of JPMorgan Chase - during a late afternoon press conference.

"We feel pretty good about the 2016 crash and will make out like bandits again," said Dimon.

5.11.2015

Saudi Arabia's King Jealous of Iran, Cancels Date with Obama

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (The Nil Admirari) - A date between President Barack Obama and Saudi Arabia's King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud was cancelled at the last minute by King Salman. Friends of Saudi Arabia say Salman is more than a little jealous and very unhappy about how much time the United States is spending with Iran.

The United States finds itself trying to reach a nuclear agreement with Iran while it helps Saudi Arabia launch airstrikes against Iran-backed rebels in Yemen. A press conference held this morning in Riyadh made it clear how hurt King Salman was that he had to compete for Obama's attention.

"The U.S. has been giving Iran so much more attention lately there seems to be so little left for Saudi Arabia," lamented King Salman. He shook his head before continuing, "And now I hear from our friends that the United States is spending even more time with Iran to fight ISIS in Iraq and Syria."

Jeb Bush Discovered Romney Has 470 Wives, Forced Him Not to Run in 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - Mitt Romney shocked many political observers in late January when he announced he was not going to run for president in 2016.  Now it appears Romney may have been blackmailed to stay out of the 2016 race by Republican rival and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who discovered Romney has 470 wives.

5.10.2015

Cheney Announces Run for President, Promises Minimum of Two Wars

JACKSON, WYOMING (The Nil Admirari) - Former Vice President Dick Cheney announced today he was running for president and hoped to be the Republican nominee. Cheney said his presidency would strive "to complete the important work started by President George W. Bush and repair the damage President Obama has done."


"George W. Bush was always selfishly getting in the way of my goals for America," stated Cheney, who shook his head in disapproval of the president's interference. "And don't even get me started on Obama. He is wasting everyone's time and money by not attacking other sovereign countries and occupying them."


A member of the press asked Cheney if he was concerned about most Americans having a negative opinion of him and his conduct while vice president.

5.09.2015

New Florida Voter I.D. Law Only to Accept RNC Membership Card

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Florida Governor Rick Scott (R) threw his support behind a new voter I.D. bill that aims to be the strictest in the nation. The "Voting Responsibly Bill," or "HB 2016," was introduced by Florida House Speaker Steve Crisafulli (R - District 51) and will only allow a Republican National Committee (RNC) membership card to be an acceptable form of identification for Florida voters.

"This bill is the only way we can confirm the identity of a voter in Florida and make sure voting in 2016 is fraud-free," stated Scott while at a fundraiser.

Earlier drafts of the legislation only required a voter in Florida to have any RNC membership card, but Republican state legislators led by Speaker Crisafulli decided that was not strict enough.

Biden: No Presidential Run, Americans "Too Stupid to Vote for Me"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - Vice President Joe Biden announced today he would not be running for president in 2016. Biden blamed his fellow Americans for making a presidential run almost certain to fail.

"It all comes down to Americans being too stupid to vote for me," stated Biden.

The vice president was more than happy to elaborate at the request of the press and added, "It is those idiots in the 'red states' who, vote against their own economic well-being over and over again. Then they  wonder why they have less stuff than they did during the last election cycle and their standard of living is taking a nosedive."

5.08.2015

GOP Presidential Debates to Ban Evolution, Climate Change, Age of the Earth

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - The Republican National Committee (RNC) announced today it was banning certain "divisive subjects" from being discussed during the 2016 GOP presidential debates. The subjects at the top of the list include evolution, man-made climate change, and the age of the Earth.

"The American people don't want to get caught up in distractions like how old a presidential candidate thinks the Earth is or whether a candidate buys into evolution," stated Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus. 

Chairman Priebus added, "Americans want us to talk about real policy issues like jobs, and increasing military spending while cutting the size of government, and more jobs."

5.07.2015

Texas Declares State of Emergency, Appoints Chuck Norris President

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) announced a State of Emergency in the Lone Star State and named Chuck Norris the President of the Republic of Texas. Abbott defended his decision and stated, "Despite denials from the Pentagon, a lot of Texans still fear the Jade Helm 15 military exercise expected to start here in mid-July is actually a federal plot to declare martial law and seize control of our state."

President Norris quickly declared martial law to reestablish order and directed the Texas State Guard to surround every U.S. military base in the former American territory.

"The people of Texas are in no way insulting America's brave soldiers who are just following orders, but we will target any American military personnel who have not left Texas within seventy-two hours," said President Norris during a press conference from his presidential mansion at the Alamo.

5.06.2015

Boehner Praises Report Ranking U.S. 33rd Best Country for Mothers to Live In

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner praised a report from Save the Children that ranked the United States as the 33rd best country to be a mother in. America dropped two ranks from the previous year and found itself behind countries like Belarus, Croatia, and Portugal.

"The United States ranking 33rd in best countries to be a mother in is what makes America #1," stated Boehner.

Fox News Wants You to Know ISIS Everywhere

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Fox News warned the nation today the Islamic terrorist group ISIS is everywhere. The morning program Fox & Friends hosted terrorism expert Thad Raze, who painted a grim picture.

"I hate to tell you this America, but ISIS is everywhere and President Obama's socialist policies are definitely responsible," stated Raze, who did not elaborate on specifics for very good reasons.

Buddy Clinton Case Reopened

NEW CASTLE, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the New Castle Police Department announced the investigation into the 2002 death of Buddy Clinton had been reopened. Spokesman Dale Harris cited "new evidence" in the death of the male Labrador Retriever owned by President Bill Clinton from December 1997 until the tragic events of January 2, 2002.

"We have found credible evidence that Buddy Clinton was murdered in a carefully planned hit and run," said Harris during the morning press conference called by the New Castle Police Department.

When asked if there was a prime suspect in the murder case Harris replied, "Yes there is, but I cannot release that information at this time. What I can say is most Americans know the prime suspect. "

5.05.2015

Rep. Louie Gohmert Fears U.S. Planning Annexation of Texas

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) wrote a press release from his Washington, D.C. office expressing concern about a possible United States invasion and annexation of Texas. Gohmert's fears are a response to a U.S. Special Operations exercise named Jade Helm 15, which is to take place in various states between July 15 and September 15, 2015.

"I sit in my office at the U.S. Capitol Building as a duly elected representative of Texas and I fear the United States government is plotting to seize Texas," said Gohmert in the press release.

Who is Carly Fiorina?

PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this week, Carly Fiorina announced she was running for president as a Republican. Many Americans are wondering who Carly Fiorina is, and we have done some investigating to help you be an informed voter.

Carly Fiorina is a lesbian and LGBT activist who lives in Palo Alto, California with her wife Lassie Burns. Fiorina was the successful CEO of Hewlett-Packard Co. from 1999-2005 where she doubled profits, hired 30,000 new employees in an unprecedented expansion of the company, and retired to focus on Constitutional law despite the pleas of her board to remain at the company.

Struggling McDonald's Thinks About Offering Actual Food Soon

OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS (The Nil Admirari) - McDonald's CEO Steve Easterbrook announced his company is thinking about selling actual food in the future. The announcement has been characterized by economists as an attempt by a struggling McDonald's to rebound from financial losses in America and abroad.

"McDonald's is prepared to offer actual food and move away from unprofitable conversations about what is actually in our formerly popular items like burgers, chicken nuggets, and french fries," said Easterbrook.

5.04.2015

Ben Carson Promises to Marry Horse if Gay Marriage Legalized

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, retired neurosurgeon and GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson promised to marry a horse if the Supreme Court ruled to make gay marriage legal across the country. The move was praised by conservative Republicans concerned about an impending Supreme Court ruling on the issue.


"In the past I have compared gay marriage to morally reprehensible things like bestiality and pedophilia. So today I say if the Supreme Court makes it okay for any two consenting adults to marry each other then I can marry a horse," stated Carson.

5.03.2015

Bolling of Fox News: Baltimore Example of Conservative Utopia

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) -  On Sunday afternoon, Fox News host Eric Bolling praised Baltimore, Maryland as "an example of a conservative utopia." Bolling ran a solo segment on how conservative policies are responsible for creating the city that has been the focus of the national media since the April death of Freddie Gray resulted in social unrest and six police officers being charged with crimes ranging from misconduct to murder.

"Only a fool would focus on the fact Baltimore has elected only one non-Democratic mayor since 1940, because decades of conservative policies at all levels of government are directly responsible for creating the shining jewel of Baltimore we see today," stated Bolling.

He shined a perfect white smile before continuing, "Severe cuts in public schooling and housing, shipping middle and working class jobs out of the country, tax cuts for the rich at the expense of programs meant to serve and lift up the middle class and poor, aggressive policing of economically devastated areas, and punitive mandatory drug sentencing are all conservative policies a liberal would never support."

5.02.2015

GOP Seeks to Cut Vegetables, Fruits, Grains, Meats, and Dairy from SNAP Benefits

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning the GOP announced it was updating its party platform to put strict limitations on what food Americans enrolled in the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) can buy.  Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus stated Republicans would seek to prevent SNAP recipients from using their benefits to purchase "vegetables, fruits, grains, meats, and dairy."
"It is time SNAP recipients stopped using government money to buy luxuries," explained Priebus. He sipped from a Starbucks coffee cup before continuing, "In these tough economic times the American taxpayer should only be forced to help people on food stamps buy bare essentials."

Asked what items Americans on SNAP could purchase under the proposed Republican restrictions Priebus said, "Definitely water and maybe Hot Pockets or something."

5.01.2015

Iran: We'll Give Up Nuclear Energy if Tom Cotton is Expelled from the Senate

TEHRAN, IRAN (The Nil Admirari) - Late this afternoon Iran offered to give up nuclear energy entirely if Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) was expelled from the United States Senate.  The offer came a day after Cotton and Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), who is running for president, tried to force votes on amendments that threaten to sink a deal being negotiated by the Obama Administration and Iran to limit the Iranian nuclear program in exchange for eased sanctions.

Javad Zarif, Iran's foreign minister and top diplomat, held a press conference earlier today and stated, "Iran is prepared to shut down our entire nuclear program if Senator Cotton is expelled from the United States Senate. We will allow you to personally dismantle the whole thing."

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