Hillary Says Bernie's Campaign Won't Be Rising from the Dead

LAST UPDATED @ 10:48AM (3.27.2016)

Hillary Clinton says Bernie Sanders' campaign won't be rising from the dead like another Jew she can think of on Easter Sunday.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declared Bernie Sanders' campaign would not be rising from the dead like another Jewish man she could name on Easter. The announcement followed U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont decisively winning Democratic primary caucuses in Alaska, Washington, and Hawaii last night.

"The presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders is dead, and it won't be rising from the dead like another Jewish man I can think of, who was also insufferably liberal," announced Clinton, who laughed maniacally.

Secretary Clinton continued, "On that note, I want to wish my fellow Americans a happy Zombie Jesus Day, or whatever you peasants call it. I didn't look at the focus group notes this morning."

"Getting back to business, everyone knows I have already won the Democratic presidential nomination. Bernie and democracy need to throw in the towel," concluded Clinton.

An unidentified member of the press asked Secretary Clinton if she was actually naming Bernie Sanders and representative democracy her enemies.

"Absolutely. Anything in my way to the White House will be cruci... destroyed," replied Clinton.


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