Corporate Media Says Bernie Sanders Must Slay Kraken for Respect, More Coverage

LAST UPDATED @ 5:02PM (3.30.2016)

American corporate media outlets tell Bernie Sanders he must kill a kraken if he wants more coverage and respect from them.

The Kraken
A kraken. (Above) História, Ciências, Saúde-Manguinhos Vol. 21, no. 3 (2014)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, corporate media outlets in the United States informed Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont he must slay a kraken to receive more coverage and respect from them. The announcement came after the American propaganda network essentially shrugged when Sanders crushed his rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - who the media has been portraying as the inevitable Democratic presidential nominee - in caucuses held in Alaska, Washington, and Hawaii last weekend.

"We know Bernie Sanders attracts the largest crowds at political rallies, has raised a record amount of money, and can still beat Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately, anything short of Bernie killing a kraken won't get him more attention or respect," declared Arnold Titan, an intern speaking on behalf of CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, and many other American propaganda outlets.

Titan continued, "Bernie has really been screwing with our narrative that Hillary Clinton is the inevitable Democratic presidential nominee, and that she has pretty much already won. And then there is Donald Trump, who is a batshit loose cannon and ratings booster that Bernie Sanders simply cannot compete with."

"Donald Trump pretty much told Ted Cruz his wife was a dog and defended his campaign manager, who was just charged with misdemeanor battery. And that's just in one week. Bernie needs to stop talking about boring things like economic inequality, and just kill a sea monster," explained Titan.

An unidentified member of the press asked if Bernie Sanders could kill something else to get the corporate media's attention and respect.

"I think Bernie killing a Balrog or chupacabra would also work ," replied Titan.


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