Ted Cruz Announces "Make America a Christian Iran" Platform

 LAST UPDATED @ 7:20PM (12.7.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas announced his plan to turn the United States into a merciless Christian theocracy. Cruz called his new platform "Make America a Christian Iran," but informed Americans the Christian dictatorship he imagined for America could also be compared to the brutal Islamic regime in Saudi Arabia.

"Americans can look to the brutal, heretical, and sinful Muslim regimes in Iran and Saudi Arabia to get an idea of what I am all about, and what my political business is all about," stated Cruz, who tried to speak and move like a non-psychopathic human would.

Cruz continued, "My campaign slogan compares my vision for America to Iran mainly because 'Iran' is shorter name than 'Saudi Arabia.' But mark my words, non-Christians in this country are not going to have a good time if I am elected president."

Senator Ted Cruz speaking at the 2014 CPAC in Maryland. (Above) 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

An unidentified member of the press asked Cruz what he intended to do with non-Christian American citizens and others who did not consider themselves to be in a very serious committed relationship with Jesus Christ

"We're going to take care of them, and make America a Christian nation again. Then the remaining Christians will go at each other like dogs in bloody power struggles over what sect is most pure," replied Cruz.

Cruz declared he was "very confident" his Christian sect would win the inevitable civil war between America's Christians, and prove it is worthy to lead the United States back to the days of Christ.


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