TPP to Protect American Freedom to Buy Poisonous Food

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Obama Administration announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal President Obama intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to unknowingly purchase poisonous food. The White House explained companies located in other TPP nations will be able to sue the United States for having higher food safety standards, and force their poisonous food into the American market by citing "unfair protection of consumers."

"Once TPP is signed by President Obama, the American people will get to roll the dice whenever they purchase food. Because protecting American consumers from being poisoned by imported food puts the irrelevant health of consumers over the profits of corporations," announced White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

President Obama speaks to Congress in February 2009.

Earnest added, "President Obama believes Americans will enjoy playing a game where they can be surprise-poisoned by food they purchase. Eventually, Americans will learn what imported food companies to avoid, because they are most likely to make the consumer sick or die - or both."

"Of course, that will bring the price of the poisonous food down. This means poor Americans will be much more likely to be poisoned by food than other Americans. They will really have no other choice but to buy the poisoned stuff," stated Earnest, who shrugged.

Earnest continued. "That is all short-term stuff, though. Companies operating in the United States will then sue the government for subjecting them to unfair food safety standards, and they'll win. That is when buying food becomes really interesting for everyone."

Congress promised the American people it "would pretend to put up a good fight against TPP" before allowing President Obama to sign the agreement under no real threat of it being vetoed. 


The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.