GOP Presidential Candidates Demand Debate Ponies

Last Updated @ 7:31PM (11.3.2015)

Staffers for Ted Cruz and Ben Carson walk out of meeting after being told unicorns do not exist.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, staffers representing most of the Republican presidential candidates met to discuss the demands they will make of all future debates, but the meeting quickly focused on ponies. Staffers agreed every candidate should have a debate animal to sit on, and a majority of the presidential campaigns voted for debate ponies.

"Every candidate will have a debate pony to sit on at all future debates. We are still working out the specifics, but I feel confident about having a draft letter demanding debate ponies by the end of the day," stated former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush.

The Republican Party is the official party of whiners and pony enthusiasts.

Bush added, "It is true that Donald Trump did not send any representatives, and that representatives of both Ted Cruz and that kooky brain doctor Ben Carson stormed out of the room after being told unicorns did not exist."

"There was a unicorn in my backyard yesterday, but it was too fast for me to take a picture of and flew away," stated Ben Carson, who claimed the meeting was "unfair" and "full of unicorn deniers and bigots."

Carson continued, "Ted Cruz saw like three unicorns yesterday on his drive back from a lovely Iowa church that promotes the arrest and execution of gay people. I will probably visit there tomorrow."

"Unicorns don't exist, and I am pretty sure they do not have wings. We are prepared to glue a glittery horn on the head of debate ponies," explained unicorn denier and struggling candidate Jeb Bush.

Donald Trump threatened to show up "on the most wonderful and great dragon" at the next debate, while limitations on debate pony weight, color, and height were being hammered out.


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