Ben Carson Recounts Last Days of Hitler's Life in Bunker

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson recounted his last days with Adolf Hitler before the Führer took his own life on April 30th, 1945. Dr. Carson told his supporters in Iowa that he had declined Hitler's offer to be his successor prior to escaping from Berlin by rocket ship to avoid capture by the Red Army.

"Oh, man... things were crazy in Berlin in April 1945... just crazy like you wouldn't believe. Communists had invaded all of the homeland east of Berlin, and they wanted Berlin because they were jealous of how awesome Adolf Hitler was," explained a characteristically lethargic Dr. Carson.

Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson. (Above)

Carson added, "I was only in the bunker... because... you know... someone had to run the bunker's pharmacy to make sure people didn't get their hands on drugs to overdose on unless they had a script from the Führer. Those were the rules back then... Hitler was really big on rules."

"Anyway, the bunker smelled pretty bad of body odor and gasoline. People were deserting everyday, and Hitler was really depressed and totally bringing my high down. When he offered me his job, I knew it was time to build a rocket ship and hightail it out of there," said Carson.

The Iowa Republicans applauded the retired neurosurgeon's bravery as he described his chastising of the Führer prior to his daring escape from the Third Reich's crumbling capital.

"I really gave it to Hitler.. and I mean really gave it to him... you know... for being such a baby. Then I left to build a rocket ship, and escaped less than a day later," said Dr. Carson.

Dr. Carson ended his story by claiming he had been an American spy the whole time he worked for Hitler, and later discovered he liked being a neurosurgeon better.


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