Rhode Island Exiles Lincoln Chafee After Democratic Debate

LAST UPDATED @ 1:04PM (10.14.2015)

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations announced it was exiling former Governor Lincoln Chafee to Block Island, located approximately 13 miles south of the Rhode Island coast, following his performance at last night's Democratic presidential debate. Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo announced Chaffee - who was also mayor of the state's second largest city before representing Rhode Island as a US Senator - was being exiled due to a public outcry in response to his "highly embarrassing and characteristically incoherent conduct."

"Rhode Islanders saw Chafee defend his US Senate vote to repeal the last meaningful banking regulations in 1999 by stating he was essentially emotionally compromised or something, and couldn't read. Oh, and he basically said 'everyone else was doing it' on that vote and his 2001 vote for the Patriot Act," stated Governor Raimondo, who confessed, "literally no one in Rhode Island asked him to run for president."

Chafee (far left) preparing to speak at the U.S. Naval War College in 2014.

Raimondo continued, "All Rhode Islanders know Lincoln Chafee always appears to be extremely disoriented, and we are accustomed to his ravings. It was fine if Chafee wanted to behave like that here, but his decision to run for president reflects very poorly on Rhode Island. We get he's bored, but that's no excuse for his behavior. We hope he had a fun time outside of the state, because he isn't leaving anymore."

"Do you know how many calls my office and the offices of every state legislator have received since last night? Neither do I, because they are still coming in. Well, we have heard what the people want and I have just signed a bill from the state legislature exiling Lincoln Chafee to Block Island," explained Raimondo.

Chafee responded to Rhode Island's decision to exile to him to Block Island by calling his fellow Rhode Islanders "such kidders."

The Rhode Island State Police have been instructed to apprehend Chafee and escort him to his new residence on Block Island.


The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.