Jeb Bush to Wear Shock Collar, Transition to "Nonverbal Campaign"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican presidential campaign of former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced Jeb would wear a shock collar "to prevent him from speaking, which is not in his best interest if he wants to win the White House." The transition to a "nonverbal campaign" followed a rising slew of insensitive, politically tone deaf comments that showed Jeb to be completely out of touch with reality, and the majority of the American people.

"Usually, being out of touch with reality is a huge net positive for Republican presidential candidates during the primaries, but Jeb is not saying the correct things to patronize the base. Instead, he seems to be taking every opportunity to show Americans that his brother George W. Bush is the smart one," stated Nancy Bog, a senior campaign spokesperson.

Jeb Bush speaking at the 2015 Conservative Political Action
Conference (CPAC) in February 2015. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Bog added, "Jeb must be saved from himself. Once we explained what an awful candidate he was to him, Jeb agreed to wear a collar that will severely punish him with an electric shock whenever he started to speak about any issue. Jeb will now only smile, scowl, wave, and nod or shake his head on the campaign trail."

"In Jeb's latest gaff, he really pissed off both pro-gun conservatives and most Americans when he responded to the latest mass shooting in America by declaring 'stuff happens,' and 'this gun debate thing is really not important to someone rich like me.' There isn't a demographic he hasn't angered," explained Bog.

Bog announced the campaign was "conservatively optimistic" about Jeb's new nonverbal campaign strategy, but confessed "everyone, except Jeb" wanted George W. Bush to stop "trying to help," because the campaign "had enough problems as it is."


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