Insecure Donald Trump Pledges to Use U.S. Military Like His Penis

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump pledged today to use the United States military like it was his own penis. Trump said that meant he would talk a tough game for military interventions, but he would rarely have the confidence or ability to allow the military to perform at the level he claimed it could.

"The United States military will be treated as if it was an extension of me, just like my penis 'Bigger Trump.' I will threaten a bunch of countries, only be able to follow through on very few of my grandiose claims, and then completely forget about all the times I could not perform as boasted," explained Trump.

Trump initially ignored an unidentified member of the press who asked him to comment on a leaked psychologist's report that said he was suffering from "acute self-loathing, denial, and insecurity related to being born with a silver spoon in his mouth and recognizing his success was exclusively due to that fact."

Donald Trump speaking at the 2015 CPAC in Maryland on 2.27.2015.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

"The American military will make the world know that President Donald Trump is the best businessman ever, has the biggest penis ever, and is definitely the best person to ever live in the White House," stated Trump.

Trump claimed he was "going to fire that bitch psychologist I never met in my life" near the end of the press conference.


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