8.05.2018

Rand Paul to Trade US Secrets to Russia for Trump Pee Tapes

LAST UPDATED @ 3:15PM (8.5.2018)

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) travels to Moscow tomorrow to trade US military secrets to Russia in exchange for video surveillance of Trump and Russian prostitutes engaged in one or more golden showers.

Rand Paul speaking at 2013 CPAC.
Photo Source: Gage Skidmore

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The office of Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) announced he would be travelling to Moscow to assist President Trump's diplomatic efforts with Russia. Specifically, Senator Paul will provide the Russians with American military secrets in an attempt to secure all video surveillance of Donald Trump watching (or perhaps more than watching) Russian prostitutes urinate on each other - an act popularly known by the slang term golden shower.

"I fully support President Trump's mission of continuing a respectful dialogue with Russia, and that's why I'm going to Moscow. I wasn't doing nearly enough by helping the president attack American intelligence reports that say the United States is under sustained cyber attack by Russia," explained Senator Paul in a phone interview.


Paul continued, "I am hopeful President Putin will appreciate some of America's most sensitive military secrets enough to secure the golden shower video surveillance involving President Trump, which definitely does not exist and never has existed."

"I'm quite sure NATO's defenses, along with our efforts in Syrian and elsewhere, will not be severely compromised by anything I give Russia for the golden shower surveillance," asserted Paul.


When asked for comment, the White House denied the existence of tapes involving the president and prostitutes urinating on each other. 

Senator Paul will leave for Moscow on Monday to secure the nonexistent Trump urination video.

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