Trump Declares Victory Over Opioid Epidemic

LAST UPDATED @ 10:48AM  (10.27.2017)

Trump credits "big brain," "hugely big hands" for solving America's opioid epidemic.

Donald Trump declares victory in opioid crisis.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Donald Trump declared victory over the opioid crisis in America. Mr. Trump asserted his triumph during a press conference that conspicuously lacked evidence.

"The opioid epidemic is over. My very big brain and my hugely big hands fixed it," Trump told members of  the press assembled on the White House lawn.

Trump ignored questions from the press challenging his claimed triumph and added, "Everyone is saying I fixed it. A lot of people are talking about it."

"I can't believe the fake news media isn't reporting how I am making America great again," Trump angrily accused the press.

An unidentified member of the press asked Mr. Trump why he felt he needed to lie to Americans all of the time.

"I went to good schools where you can't tell lies. I don't tell lies," replied Trump, who walked off.


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