Rio to Offer Hazmat Suits to Olympians Competing on Guanabara Bay

LAST UPDATED @ 10:24AM (7.31.2016)

Olympic athletes will be offered hazmat suits to protect them from untreated sewage in Rio's Guanabara Bay.

What Happens When There’s Sewage in the Water? | The Atlantic
Olympic sailing and windsurfing athletes prepare to compete on Guanabara Bay.

RIO DE JANEIRO (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rio de Janeiro confirmed reports it will be offering hazmat suits to all Olympic athletes competing in sports on Guanabara Bay. The suits will protect some of the world's best athletes from the tons of untreated sewage and garbage in the water they will be surrounded by.

"Rio is absolutely ready to host the Olympics in less than a week, despite there being horrendous amounts of untreated human waste and garbage in Guanabara Bay," stated Rio 2016 CEO Sidney Levy, who also dismissed security concerns.


TNA Projects Donald Trump Next President of United States

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LAST UPDATED @ 9:27PM (7.28.2016)

TNA projects Donald Trump will be the next President of the United States of America.

Donald Trump | Wikipedia
Trump at campaign rally in Arizona in June 2016. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - TNA projects Donald Trump will win the 2016 election and be the next President of the United States of America with 0% of voting districts reporting in all 50 states. Trump has won all of the battleground states and some formerly reliable Democratic states.

"Trump being a White man and billionaire who perpetually whines he is constantly under attack by the weakest and least powerful people in the country really resonated with large numbers of poor, uneducated, and racist Whites," explained TNA Senior Elections Chief Lee R. Fukt.


Trump Tells Some Convention Goers to Wear Blackface to Show GOP's Diversity

LAST UPDATED @ 7:50PM (7.18.2016)

Donald Trump says he will not arrive at 2016 Republican National Convention in blackface, but urges others to do so.

Blackface - Wikipedia
​Singer and actor Al Jolson wearing blackface in the musical film The Jazz Singer. (Left)
Donald Trump in Arizona in March 2016. (Photo: Gage Skidmore). (Right)

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - Today, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump urged some Republicans to show up to the 2016 Republican National Convention in blackface. Trump claimed the act would show how diverse the GOP was.

"I think it would be a fabulous, fabulous idea if some - and I'm not saying all, just some - people at the Republican National Convention showed up in blackface," said Trump at an Alabama campaign rally boasting white sheets, pointy hats, and burning crosses.


Kansas Closes All Public Schools, Sells Buildings to Prison Companies

LAST UPDATED @ 1:07PM (7.11.2016)

Prison companies to turn all Kansas public schools into for-profit prisons while Kansans can opt to not educate children at all. 

Kansas | Wikipedia

TOPEKA, KANSAS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Kansas Governor Sam Brownback signed a bill into law closing all Kansas public schools and selling the buildings to for-profit prison corporations. The law also permanently closed the Kansas State Department of Education, ordered the arrest of public school employees, and outlawed any academic standards.

"I am proud to announce the government's K-12 schools are officially closed in Kansas. Public education employees are urged to turn themselves into police, as warrants have been issued for their arrest," announced Governor Brownback.


Trump Announces 'Very White' Pillsbury Doughboy as Running Mate

LAST UPDATED @ 9:52PM (7.5.2016)

"Poppin' Fresh is very White. He's the Whitest guy I know; not that something like that even matters to me," says Trump.

Pillsbury Doughboy | Wikipedia

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced the Pillsbury Doughboy, also known as Poppin' Fresh, was his running mate.

"Poppin' Fresh is a wonderful guy, and he has the recipe to make America great again," declared Donald Trump at what appeared to be a Caucasian-only campaign rally.


Obama Promises Drones Have Never Killed Innocent Civilians

LAST UPDATED @ 12:48PM (7.1.2016)

President Obama promises the American people there is a '100% bad guy death rate' by American drones.

Drones | Wikipedia
An MQ-9 Reaper, a hunter-killer surveillance drone (UAV). (Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Barack Obama announced not a single innocent civilian had ever been killed in American drone strikes routinely carried out across the globe.

"When an American drone kills someone it is always killing a person representing a clear and present danger to the United States, and never innocent people," declared Obama at an afternoon press conference.


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