Ted Cruz will be hosting a Kool-Aid drinking event to celebrate the end of his futile presidential aspirations.
"Most Americans are horrified when they think of an America led by me. And I am horrified when I think of an America without a President Cruz, and my most faithful supporters feel the same way," said Cruz
Senator Cruz continued, "So, some time tonight, my defunct presidential campaign will contact my most loyal supporters for a Kool-Aid drinking event we call 'The End is Here.'"
"I have already purchased the Kool-Aid, and have been working hard on the speech I will give prior to everyone drinking at precisely the same time," explained Cruz.
An unidentified member of the press asked Senator Cruz if he could confirm reports his campaign had purchased large quantities of cyanide.
"Everyone knows cyanide improves the flavor of Kool-Aid. Heck, I have been putting extremely low doses in it for years," replied Cruz.
At press time, the FBI confirmed it was moving to seize Cruz's cyanide, despite the risk Cruz may move his timetable up.