5.28.2016

Republican Senate Ready to Confirm Ghost of Scalia to Supreme Court

LAST UPDATED @ 12:01PM (5.30.2016)

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell denies existence of Obama Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland.


Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia died in February 2016.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) confirmed reports Republicans were ready to confirm the ghost of Antonin Scalia to the Supreme Court.

"On Tuesday, Senate Republicans will confirm the ghost of Antonin Scalia to the vacant seat left by the deceased Antonin Scalia," declared McConnell

5.24.2016

Trump Supporter Punishes Child for Acting like Trump

LAST UPDATED @ 12:07PM (5.24.2016)

Conrad Hazzard, the son of a Trump supporter, has been a pompous and disrespectful bastard. 

Donald Trump | Wikipedia
Conrad Hazzard has increasingly been a self-centered jerk during this presidential election cycle.

BRAINTREE, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, avid Donald Trump supporter Jacob Hazzard reported his eight-year-old son Conrad had been extremely disrespectful over the last few months, and had to be punished on his mother's birthday.

"I don't know what has gotten into Conrad lately. He can never be wrong. It's like Conrad no longer has any grip on reality, and blatantly lies about everything," explained Hazzard, an electrician and married father of two.

5.21.2016

Worst Terrorists Ever Blow Plane Up, Fail to Take Credit

EgyptAir Flight 804 | Wikipedia
EgyptAir Flight 804 was downed on 5.19.2016. The world's worst terrorists have been blamed by the corporate media.
PHOTO SOURCE:
Mehmet Mustafa Celik

MEDITERRANEAN SEA (The Nil Admirari) - Despite there being no publicly-known evidence for such a claim, the corporate media in the United States and abroad continued to push the narrative that an EgyptAir passenger plane was brought down by an act of terrorism on Thursday. The corporate media asserted the terrorists responsible for bringing down the jet were very likely the worst terrorists in history, as they had still failed to take credit for the act two days later. "Terrorism is all about inciting fear and making political statements. So not taking any credit for this act of terrorism probably indicates we are dealing with a highly dangerous and diabolically lazy group of terrorists," explained Chuck Cross, a self-professed terrorism expert. Corporate media consumers were urged to continue watching the developing story so they could appreciate how afraid they needed to be, and how terrorism must be the automatic assumption when the cause of a tragedy was not immediately known.​

At press time, CNN was asserting the same group of incompetent terrorists was also probably responsible for the downing of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 on 3.8.2014.

5.20.2016

For 18th Time Today, Hillary Asks Aide if Bernie Has Conceded Yet


Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A Clinton campaign aide confirmed reports Hillary Clinton had asked her for the eighteenth time today if Bernie Sanders had called to concede the Democratic presidential nomination. Mandy Hazard, a longtime Clinton confidant, declared Clinton had repetitively and pointedly asked her, "Has Bernie Sanders called and conceded the nomination to me yet?" Hazard also explained Clinton became extremely agitated each time she learned Bernie Sanders had not called to quit the race, and charged, "I can't believe he hasn't quit yet. I just can't believe it." When Hazard told Clinton it was not a good idea to call Bernie Sanders and demand he concede, Clinton's eyes glazed over and she replied, "It's my turn. Everyone knows it's my turn, except him." Hazard expected Clinton to ask her the same question regarding Sanders at least ten more times today.​

5.17.2016

Trump: 19th Amendment "Unfair" to Presidential Campaign, Ignore It

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced the 19th Amendment was a "clear and present danger" to his presidential aspirations. The orange billionaire said he opposed women's suffrage, because he "doesn't want women to suffer." Trump urged all 50 states to ignore the "unfair" 19th Amendment in November, as he feared women would use "reverse sexism" to unfairly punish him for his "unbelievably great love of all women, especially the ones with super-great racks." Trump reassured Rosie O'Donnell she would still be able to vote due to her being "built like a brick shithouse."​

At press time, Alabama had already pledged to strip women of the right to vote.

5.14.2016

No American Able to Explain Meaning of "Make America Great Again"

Make America Great Again | Wikipedia
Not a single American knows what the slogan "Make America Great Again!" means.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A TNA study conducted this week found not a single American knew what "Make America Great Again" actually meant. The Donald Trump presidential campaign slogan - stolen from Ronald Reagan's 1980 presidential campaign - appeared to be a catchy, but essentially meaningless phrase meant to appeal to a growing number of Americans who were hopelessly ignorant of civics and history. Over 90% of Trump supporters thought the phrase maybe had something to do with a wall, Trump's old man penis, or kicking every non-Caucasian out of America. Over 70% of Americans opposed to Trump thought an earlier version of the phrase had actually been passed down by Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels to the Trump family. Donald Trump responded to TNA's request for clarification of "Make America Great Again" by asserting, "I have no idea. Let the rubes figure it out for themselves."

5.12.2016

Hillary Clinton Claims FBI to Give Her Award for "Good Job"


WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton claimed the FBI was preparing to give her an award for a "good job" keeping information confidential with the unprotected private e-mail server she used while heading the State Department. Clinton asserted the FBI routinely recognized great leaders, and was not preoccupying itself with a silly criminal investigation. "I will be proud to accept my award for doing a good job while at State, and I am just waiting for the FBI to tell me where and when the ceremony will be," explained Clinton. No one at the FBI was aware of any special "awards department" in the organization.

5.10.2016

Trump Selects Hermann Goering as a GOP Delegate

LAST UPDATED @ 5:46PM (5.10.2016)

Trump says Hermann Goering will be one of his Republican Convention delegates from Germany.


Donald Trump | Wikipedia
Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC; Luftwaffe Leader Hermann Goering.
(Photos: Gage Skidmore; Source)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, presumptive Republican presidential nominee and fickle billionaire Donald Trump selected World War I fighter pilot ace Hermann Goering to be one of his GOP delegates from Germany. Trump brushed off critics that informed him Germany did not have Republican Convention delegates, and Hermann Goering was a Nazi who had been dead since 1946.

"I don't care what the politically-correct press says, or how much boring liberally-biased history they tell me. It's a done deal that Hermann Goering is going to be one of my delegates," said Trump.

5.08.2016

Presidential General Election to Reach "Epic Amounts of Suck"

LAST UPDATED @ 10:23AM (5.8.2016)

A large majority of Americans think watching two highly dangerous psychopaths pretend they care about them will epically suck.
 
Ugh.
Two extremely dangerous narcissistic psychopaths. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA survey were released regarding the presidential general election, which will likely be between Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton. Nearly 76% of Americans thought the presidential general election would reach "epic amounts of suck" and not be about them or the nation, but about the two very distasteful psychopaths running for the highest political office in the land.

"A small majority of Republicans characterized their party's presidential primary slog as having 'large amounts of suck,' and about half of Democrats judged their party's presidential primary process as having 'above average amounts of suck,'" explained  Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.

5.05.2016

Trump Vows to Replace American Dream with Long, Wide-Awake Nightmare

LAST UPDATED @ 9:21AM (5.5.2016)

Donald Trump reminds Americans "the American Dream is dead."

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, billionaire Donald Trump, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, double downed on his belief "the American Dream is dead." Trump promised Americans he would replace the deceased American Dream with a long, wide-awake national nightmare.

"The American Dream is dead, and I am going to be doing some great things as president to make sure we never miss it," Trump vaguely hinted at the nightmare to come if he won the White House.

5.03.2016

Cruz Campaign Announces "The End is Here" Kool-Aid Drinking Event

LAST UPDATED @ 9:53PM (5.3.2015)

Ted Cruz will be hosting a Kool-Aid drinking event to celebrate the end of his futile presidential aspirations.

Ted_Cruz | Wikipedia


WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, the defunct campaign of former presidential candidate U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced it would be hosting a Kool-Aid drinking event it dubbed "The End is Here." The announcement followed Cruz losing the Republican presidential primary election in Indiana to GOP presidential frontrunner Donald Trump.

"Most Americans are horrified when they think of an America led by me. And I am horrified when I think of an America without a President Cruz, and my most faithful supporters feel the same way," said Cruz

5.02.2016

Banks Urge Congress to Bring Back Indentured Servitude

LAST UPDATED @ 8:46PM (5.2.2016)

Banks say debt slaves should not be able to escape their obligations to pay their creditors like corporations can.

Indentured Servitude - Wikipedia
Indenture contract signed with an X by Henry Meyer in 1737.
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, America's largest banks urged Congress to bring back indentured servitude to completely redistribute wealth from the poor and middle class to the richest Americans. The gargantuan banking institutions asserted it was not enough to financially ruin Americans that defaulted on predatory loans, and that their debts should be paid off through uncompensated labor.

"All we're asking for is that Americans work off their debts through labor given to a creditor for a set amount of time as dictated by a legally binding contract, which can be bought and sold at will by creditors," explained an anonymous source at JPMorgan Chase.

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