4.14.2016

Donald Trump to be Rebel Alliance President in Next Star Wars Movie

LAST UPDATED @ 4:40PM (4.14.2016)

Donald Trump confirms he will play Rebel Alliance President Donald Trump in Star Wars: Episode VIII, and destroy the Skywalker family.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential frontrunner and sensitive billionaire Donald Trump confirmed reports he will play the character of Rebel Alliance President Donald Trump in Star Wars: Episode VIII. Trump announced he would "make the galaxy great again" and destroy the political, economic, and military alliance dominated by "that loser Skywalker family."

"The Rebel Alliance doesn't win anymore. It's like thirty years after they destroyed the second Death Star, and they allowed the First Order to make a huge weapon that was huger than the Death Star. It was also capable of destroying multiple planets at a time, which was way-hugely-super-worse," explained Trump.


Trump continued, "That loser Princess Leia has a lot to answer for in the next movie, like whether she has blood coming out of her whatever, which could explain a lot. I will also keep demanding her birth certificate from Alderaan, which she keeps telling me was destroyed or something. How convenient."

"Rebel Alliance President Trump will also refuse to call her 'General Leia,' especially since she got captured a bunch of times, and I only like people who don't get captured," asserted Trump. "Seriously, who lets Rosie O'Donnell's brother Jabba the Hutt take them prisoner?"


An unidentified member of the press asked Trump how his character will interact with Luke Skywalker in Star Wars: Episode VIII.

"If Luke Skywalker is nice to me, I will be nice to Luke Skywalker," replied Trump. "If not, maybe we'll talk about how close he is to his sister, and how he is a total failure like his father for allowing the Dark Side to plunge the galaxy into a few more decades of war and genocide."

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