3.31.2016

Why Government Paying for Public College is Bad for the Economy

LAST UPDATED @ 2:46PM (3.31.2016)

Conservative think tank Word Harder, America says the government paying for public college is bad for the economy.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Work Harder, America (WHA) President Jeremiah Slaver gave a presentation on the folly of government paying for the public college tuition of all qualified students. Mr. Slaver argued wage and debt slaves with less money were best for the economy, and introduced the single presentation slide below.


Summary of Sen. Sanders’ College for All Act


Mr. Slaver concluded there would be a devastating impact on the economy if the government started to pay for public college tuition for qualified students, especially if it was paid for by a *minuscule Robin Hood tax on Wall Street speculation - as proposed by U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont.

TNA asked Slaver if he had brought the wrong presentation, but he repeatedly asserted he had not. Mr. Slaver said America needed hopeless wage and debt slaves. 

*0.5% on stock trades (50 cents for every $100 worth of stock), a 0.1% fee on bonds, and a 0.005% fee on derivatives

3.30.2016

Corporate Media Says Bernie Sanders Must Slay Kraken for Respect, More Coverage

LAST UPDATED @ 5:02PM (3.30.2016)

American corporate media outlets tell Bernie Sanders he must kill a kraken if he wants more coverage and respect from them.

The Kraken
A kraken. (Above) História, Ciências, Saúde-Manguinhos Vol. 21, no. 3 (2014)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, corporate media outlets in the United States informed Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont he must slay a kraken to receive more coverage and respect from them. The announcement came after the American propaganda network essentially shrugged when Sanders crushed his rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton - who the media has been portraying as the inevitable Democratic presidential nominee - in caucuses held in Alaska, Washington, and Hawaii last weekend.

"We know Bernie Sanders attracts the largest crowds at political rallies, has raised a record amount of money, and can still beat Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately, anything short of Bernie killing a kraken won't get him more attention or respect," declared Arnold Titan, an intern speaking on behalf of CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, and many other American propaganda outlets.

3.29.2016

Ted Cruz Proposes Plan to Patrol Liberal Neighborhoods

LAST UPDATED @ 2:03PM (3.29.2015)

Ted Cruz says liberal neighborhoods must be patrolled to prevent them from becoming radicalized.

Senator Ted Cruz at 2014 CPAC. Cruz claims to be more anti-liberty than Trump.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and soulless shell U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas unveiled his plan to patrol liberal neighborhoods in America. Cruz asserted the increased presence of police in liberal neighborhoods was the only way to prevent them from becoming radicalized.

"If we don't crack down on liberal neighborhoods across our great nation there will be serious and deadly consequences for Americans in every corner of the United States," warned Cruz.

3.28.2016

Bernie Sanders Receives $225,000 Debate Invoice from Hillary Clinton

LAST UPDATED @ 9:37AM  (3.28.2016)

Bernie Sanders receives an invoice for $225,000 from Hillary Clinton, who demands the money for her participation in a New York Democratic presidential debate proposed by Sanders.

Bernie Sanders speaking at an event in Phoenix, Arizona. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont received a response to his Sunday proposition there should be a Democratic presidential debate in New York prior to the primary election there. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sent Senator Sanders a $225,000 invoice for her participation in a New York debate.

"I was very concerned Hillary Clinton was afraid to debate me, but I did not see this reply coming. I received an invoice from Secretary Clinton today showing I was being charged $225,000 for her debate participation," announced Senator Sanders.

3.27.2016

Hillary Says Bernie's Campaign Won't Be Rising from the Dead

LAST UPDATED @ 10:48AM (3.27.2016)

Hillary Clinton says Bernie Sanders' campaign won't be rising from the dead like another Jew she can think of on Easter Sunday.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declared Bernie Sanders' campaign would not be rising from the dead like another Jewish man she could name on Easter. The announcement followed U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont decisively winning Democratic primary caucuses in Alaska, Washington, and Hawaii last night.

"The presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders is dead, and it won't be rising from the dead like another Jewish man I can think of, who was also insufferably liberal," announced Clinton, who laughed maniacally.

3.26.2016

Trump Sends Naked Pictures of Himself to Ted Cruz's Wife Heidi

LAST UPDATED @ 4:02PM (3.26.2016)

Donald Trump sends naked pictures of himself to Heidi Cruz. Ted Cruz's campaign claims a part of Trump's anatomy in the pictures has been taken from another body and photoshopped onto Trump's.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and orange billionaire Donald Trump confirmed he had sent naked pictures of himself to Heidi Cruz, who is the wife of his main Republican rival U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. Trump claimed he sent Heidi Cruz naked pictures of himself as a peace offering following a Twitter feud with Ted Cruz, and because he loves women.

"Yes, okay, fine. I sent naked pictures of myself to Heidi Cruz, because I think after being married to Ted Cruz for so long she deserved a treat. Ted Cruz can ask his wife about my claims about certain things," confessed Donald Trump.

3.24.2016

New Passport Applications Surge as Hillary and Trump Matchup Likely

LAST UPDATED @ 10:59AM (3.24.2016)

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are convincing a large number of Americans to acquire passports and take extended vacations outside of the United States rather than vote for one of them.

State Department - Wikipedia
Seal of the U.S. State Department. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the U.S. Department of State reported a 300,000% surge in new passport applications. The State Department attributed the surge to the increasingly likely presidential matchup between former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and current xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump.


"The State Department has witnessed an unprecedented 300,000% increase in new applications for passports. Most Americans cited an overwhelming feeling of dread related to the presidential election as their reason for needing a passport as soon as possible," stated U.S. Deputy Secretary of State Tony Blinken.

3.22.2016

Republicans Demand Cuba Rise to Saudi Human Rights Record

LAST UPDATED @ 7:18PM (3.22.2016)

Republicans demand Cuba rise to Saudi Arabia's human rights record if Cubans want the American embargo on their country to end.


Capital Punishment in Saudi Arabia - Wikipedia
Deera Square AKA Chop Chop Square (above) is the place Saudi Arabia uses to behead offenders.
(SOURCE: WikiCommons)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republicans declared the American embargo on Cuba would only be lifted if the Cuban government improved its record on human rights. Boasting the United States and its allies cherished such rights, Republicans demanded Cuba rise to Saudia Arabia's human rights record.


"The United States and its friends are above reproach when it comes to human rights. If Cuba wants the embargo lifted, it must rise to Saudi Arabia's record on human rights," declared Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who refused to answer any questions related to the vacant seat on the Supreme Court.

3.21.2016

Man Happy to Be Poor if Black and Brown People are More Poor

LAST UPDATED @ 11:36AM (3.21.2016)

Thomas Basil, a right-wing politics man, says he is okay with being poor and working himself to death, as long as Black and Brown people are more poor than him.


American Infrastructure Report Card
Thomas Basil is a right-wing politics man who believes things like
Republicans will fix America's infrastructure by cutting his taxes.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media declared he was happy to be poor as long as Black and Brown people were more poor than him. Thomas Basil - a Republican, construction worker, and married father of two - asserted being poor and working himself to death were acceptable, as long as there were people worse off than him to look down on.


"I don't know much about the economy, but I do know who I hate and routinely blame for all of my problems. So, as long as I have a little more scraps than Black and Brown people, especially illegal immigrants, I am happy to be poor and die early due to working myself to death," confessed Basil.

3.19.2016

Protesters at Trump Rallies to Be Wrapped in "Trump Safety Flags"

LAST UPDATED @ 11:52AM (3.19.2016)

Donald Trump promises protesters at his presidential campaign rallies will be wrapped in "Trump Safety Flags," which gives them his personal promise of protection from his supporters.

A "Trump Safety Flag," which Trump protesters will be draped in
to place them under the protection of Donald Trump. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential frontrunner and xenophobia-enthusiast Donald Trump announced protesters at his campaign rallies would be wrapped in "Trump Safety Flags" for their protection. The billionaire declared once a protester was shrouded in a Trump Safety Flag he or she received immunity from being harmed by his loose cannon supporters.


"Protesters at my rallies will be wrapped in 'Trump Safety Flags.' These flags give them my personal promise of protection from my enthusiastic supporters, and a guarantee they will be escorted out of my rallies unharmed," explained Trump.

3.18.2016

Corporate Media to Ignore 27 Remaining Democratic Primaries

LAST UPDATED @ 6:41PM (3.18.2016)

American corporate media outlets announce Hillary Clinton has won the Democratic presidential nomination, and criticize Bernie Sanders for being "un-American" by refusing to concede.

2016 Delegate Count and Primary Results - The New York Times
The New York Times delegate count for the Democratic presidential primary - as of 3.18.2016. (Screen Shot)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, American corporate media outlets announced they will be ignoring the 27 remaining Democratic primaries. The plutocrat-owned propaganda crime syndicate also criticized Bernie Sanders for thinking Americans voting or caucusing in any of the later Democratic primaries actually mattered.

"All major American media outlets will be ignoring the 27 remaining Democratic primaries. We project Hillary Clinton is the Democratic presidential nominee," explained Arnold Titan, an intern speaking on behalf of CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, and many other American propaganda outlets.

3.17.2016

88% of Americans Want to Murder Two-Party Political System

LAST UPDATED @ 5:29PM (3.17.2016)

A vast majority of Americans would like to personally murder the two-party political system in the United States that routinely pits the Republican Party against the Democratic Party.

Presidential Election 2012 - Wikipedia
Americans are homicidally tired of "Team Red" and "Team Blue."
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the results of a TNA study on the two-party political system in the United States of America were released. The study discovered approximately 88% of Americans favored personally murdering the two-party system in the United States, though there was significant disagreement about where to commit the murder and what weapon to utilize.


"88% of Americans are tired of the two-party political system in the United States, and would love to murder it. Both parties are viewed as ineffectual and untrustworthy, and the prevailing opinion is that two political parties cannot possibly serve the massive spectrum of political beliefs held by over 300 million Americans," reported Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider

3.16.2016

Hillary Promises to Give Bernie His Positions Back After Primary

LAST UPDATED @ 11:28AM (3.16.2016)

Hillary Clinton promises to give Bernie Sanders all of his policy positions back once she has won the Democratic presidential nomination.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised her rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont he could have all of his progressive political positions back after she won the primary. Clinton confessed she considered her theft of Bernie's policy stances a politically expedient short-term loan.


"I support universal healthcare, regulating Wall Street and breaking up the banks, and free public college tuition for America's students paid for by a tax on Wall Street speculation," declared Clinton, who had been on the record opposing such things on numerous occasions in the very same election cycle.

3.14.2016

Trump to Give Every Supporter at Rallies Aluminum "Freedom Bat"

LAST UPDATED @ 8:28AM (3.14.2016)

Donald Trump announces he will give a high-quality, Chinese-made aluminum baseball bat - dubbed a "Freedom Bat" - to every supporter at his rallies to protect their freedoms from protesters.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential frontrunner and megalomaniac billionaire Donald Trump announced he planned to give every supporter at his rallies a complimentary "Freedom Bat." Trump promised the Chinese-made aluminum baseball bats would be gifted to supporters at all rallies to protect everyone's freedoms from protesters.

"We can't make America great again with these protesters constantly calling me out for my hate speech and interfering with all of us having a fantastic, hugely great time during my amazing rallies," declared Trump to a much smaller crowd than the one Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders attracted earlier in the day.

3.12.2016

Hillary Recalls Reagans Killing HIV/AIDS in Oval Office Ambush

LAST UPDATED @ 1:08PM (3.12.2016)

Hillary Clinton recalls President Ronald Reagan and First Lady Nancy Reagan being extremely brave and empathetic on the issue of HIV/AIDS in the 1980s.

Ronald Reagan - Wikipedia
President Ronald Reagan and First Lady Nancy Reagan in 1981. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton recalled the time President Ronald Reagan and his wife Nancy ambushed HIV/AIDS in the Oval Office. Clinton recounted how the Reagans' vicious assault killed HIV/AIDS and saved the lives of an untold number of Americans.

"I remember how brave and empathetic President Ronald Reagan and First Lady Nancy Reagan were when they took on HIV/AIDS in the 1980s. They actually invited HIV/AIDS to the White House in 1987 to let it know exactly what kind of people they were," explained Clinton.

3.10.2016

The 5 Largest Lies Hillary Clinton Told during Last Night's Debate

LAST UPDATED @ 6:29PM (3.10.2016)

TNA presents a countdown of the five largest lies told by Hillary Clinton during last night's Democratic presidential debate.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

The Nil Admirari exposes the five largest lies former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton advanced during the Washington Post/Univison Democratic presidential debate held last night:

5. PlatinumSachs, a Wall Street financial institution Hillary Clinton claimed she personally shut down through force of will to save millions of Americans from having their homes foreclosed on, has never existed.


4. Likewise, PlatinumSachs CEO Maximilian "Moneybags" Goldsucker, whom Clinton claimed she wrestled to the ground only seconds after the American economic crisis in 2008, does not exist.

3.09.2016

Corporate Media to Begin Adding Fangs to Images of Bernie Sanders

LAST UPDATED @ 1:17PM (3.9.2015)

The corporate media decides to add fangs to all images of Bernie Sanders in response to his refusal to accept the narrative Hillary Clinton is the inevitable Democratic presidential nominee.

Bernie Sanders - Wikipedia
Bernie Sanders will now be depicted with fangs in all corporate media images.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a confidential memo between American corporate media outlets was leaked to TNA. The memo ordered all outlets to add vampire fangs to all images of Bernie Sanders in response to his win in last night's Democratic primary election in Michigan, and his refusal to accept the narrative Hillary Clinton was the inevitable Democratic presidential nominee.

"All corporate media outlets must continue to push the narrative Hillary Clinton has already won against the hopeless presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders, who we now believe to be an undead creature of darkness," stated the unsigned memo.

3.07.2016

Hillary Accuses Bernie of Sexism for Not Allowing Her to Interrupt Him during Debate

LAST UPDATED @ 6:14PM (3.7.2016)

Hillary Clinton says Bernie Sanders not allowing her to interrupt him on multitple occasions while he was speaking during last night's debate is evidence of his sexism.


Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accused U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her sole Democratic rival - of sexism for his conduct in last night's debate in Flint, Michigan. Clinton asserted Sanders' refusal to allow her to interrupt him while he was speaking showed him to be an unabashed sexist.

"I tried to interrupted Bernie Sanders on multiple occasions, and he told me to wait my turn like I was in the kitchen or something," declared Clinton, who seemed much more punitive than usual.

3.06.2016

Hillary Slams Bernie for Wanting to Send Kids to College Instead of to War

LAST UPDATED @ 6:08PM (3.6.2016)

Hillary Clinton says Bernie Sanders' plan to pay for state college for qualifying American students is unrealistic, because America's youth won't have much time for college when she is president due to all the wars they will be drafted to fight in.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libya
Libya (Above in Green). Hillary Clinton pushed for regime change in Libya in 2011.
Young American men and women may need to fight a war there to clean up her mess.
(PHOTO SOURCE - Wikipedia)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton criticized her opponent U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for his plan to have the government provide a state college education to qualifying American students. Clinton declared Bernie Sanders' plan was unrealistic and directly conflicted with her plan to send America's youth to fight wars in Syria, Iran, Iraq, Libya, and elsewhere.

"Bernie Sanders' plan to have the government provide a state college education to all qualifying students will be extremely expensive for my friends on Wall Street, and is completely incompatible with what I have planned for America's youth," said Clinton, who shook her head and rolled her eyes.

3.05.2016

Wall Street Projects Hillary Clinton Will Be Next U.S. President

LAST UPDATED @ 8:02PM (3.5.2016)

Wall Street projects former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic presidential nomination and be the next President of the United States of America.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Wall Street projected former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would defeat U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for the Democratic presidential nomination, and eventually be the next President of the United States. Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein made the projection official with a wire transfer of hundreds of millions of dark money dollars from Wall Street financial institutions to Hillary Clinton's super PAC Correct the Record.

"Wall Street projects Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic presidential nomination, and the White House in November. The people at Goldman Sachs and other highly reputable financial organizations are pretty good at manipulating numbers," declared a smirking Lloyd Blankfein.

3.04.2016

79% of Republicans Not Embarrassed By Last GOP Debate

LAST UPDATED @ 7:47PM (3.4.2016)

A vast majority of Republicans confirm they are not embarrassed by last night's Republican presidential debate hosted by Fox News, which focused primarily on Donald Trump and his penis.

Statistics - Wikipedia
Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a TNA study found 79% of Republicans were not at all embarrassed by the GOP presidential debate hosted by Fox News last night. Instead, the vast majority of likely Republican primary voters found it acceptable the last debate focused far more on Donald Trump and his penis than on any of the very serious domestic and foreign issues facing the United States.

"A large majority of likely Republican primary voters think it is in the nation's best interest that their presidential candidates debated Donald Trump's penis size, failed business ventures, and chronic lying," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.

3.03.2016

Mitt Romney Bursts into Flames After Calling Donald Trump "Phony"

LAST UPDATED @ 1:02PM (3.3.2016)

Mitt Romney spontaneously combusts after calling Donald Trump a "phony" who is an inconsistent Republican on various issues.

Mitt Romney at a rally in Paradise Valley, AZ on 12.6.11.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Republican presidential nominee and Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney burst into flames while speaking to a group of conservatives opposed to Donald Trump being the 2016 Republican presidential nominee. Romney called Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump a "phony" prior to spontaneously combusting.

"Donald Trump is a bad man and an inconsistent Republican on so many issues. The man is a phony," declared Governor Romney, who appeared to be unconcerned when he burst into flames.

3.01.2016

Republican Congress Passes Bill to Abduct Trump, Exile Him to Moon

LAST UPDATED @ 7:01PM (3.2.2016)

Republican Congress passes legislation to kidnap GOP presidential frontrunner Donald Trump and exile him to the moon.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Congress passed a bill to abduct Republican presidential frontrunner and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump, put him in a rocket, and send that rocket to the moon. Republicans promised Trump could be president of the moon, and he would have his own place on the lunar surface.

"Republicans expect President Obama to sign the legislation to secure Donald Trump, strap him onto a rocket, and exile him to the moon for the rest of his life," declared Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

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