1.08.2016

"Weekend at Bernie's Economy" Continues to Screw Most Americans

LAST UPDATED @ 5:57PM (1.8.2016)

The Fed warns it can only keep the Weekend at Bernie's Economy going for so much longer, as the insatiable greed of those who are already fabulously rich and the unsustainable debt carried by a large number of Americans will inevitably threaten to bring the American economy down again.

Fed Chair Janet Yellen - Wikipedia
Fed Chair Janet Yellen (left) meets with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew.
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WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Federal Reserve confirmed the trillions of dollars it had printed and handed over to the financial sector to stimulate the economy since the 2008 financial crisis went almost exclusively to the richest Americans - and stayed there making them even wealthier. The Fed dubbed the unsustainable shadow economy it was running the "Weekend at Bernie's Economy" due to all of the strings it had to continue to pull in order to make it look like the economy was alive and working well for everyone when it only benefited a very small group of extremely rich investors.


"So rather than lending the money the Fed has been giving them to regular Americans or allowing record-breaking profits to trickle down to American workers by increasing their wages, the wealthiest Americans have simply invested the money to inflate stocks and make themselves even more money," explained Fed Chair Janet Yellen, who seemed surprised wealthy Americans didn't want to share the money the government simply gave them.


Yellen added, "While the vast majority of Americans are being told they need to tighten their belts and brace for austerity measures that cut into government services, the people largely responsible for the 2008 financial crisis are even wealthier. Far too many regular Americans are also carrying unsustainable debt, making less money, and continuing to lose their homes."


"But the Fed can only keep this Weekend at Bernie's Economy going for so much longer. Between the insatiable greed of people who are already ridiculously rich and the crushing debt carried by everyday Americans, something's got to give," said Yellen, who shrugged helplessly in the face of increasing income inequality.


An unidentified member of the press asked Yellen if the Fed had a plan for when the Weekend at Bernie's Economy collapsed.



"Probably a 0% interest rate, more bailouts for the rich, and financial ruin for millions more Americans," replied Yellen.

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