1.26.2016

Secret Service Agents Protecting Trump Deeply Regret Past Mistakes

LAST UPDATED @ 11:20PM (1.26.2016)

Secret Service agents protecting Republican presidential candidate and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump regret past career mistakes and choices of work enemies with axes to grind.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Secret Service agents protecting Republican presidential candidate and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump declared they deeply regretted their past career mistakes and choices of work enemies. The agents were confident both their professional lapses and having co-workers with axes to grind likely resulted in their protective detail assignment.

"I am guessing punching my boss in the face a few years back probably has something to do with why I was selected to protect Donald Trump. I'm still not sure if he is actually running for president," explained one of the Secret Service agents, who spoke with TNA on condition of anonymity.


The agent continued, "This other guy protecting Trump screwed another agent's old lady, and he is pretty sure that is why he is here. I keep telling him it was probably that time he was caught with two dozen prostitutes in a plastic swimming pool full of blow, but whatever."


"I stole lunch sandwiches from an agent I couldn't stand for over a year. Now he's the guy selecting people for assignments and I am spending my days protecting 'MOGUL,'" said another Secret Service agent, who referred to Trump by his Secret Service handle.

"It could be worse, though. I could be assigned to Ben Carson's protective detail," confessed the agent. "I don't know how badly you have to screw up to get assigned to that guy."

DISCLAIMER NOTICE:

The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.