1.12.2016

Hillary Clinton Weighing Switch to Republican Party, Blames Bernie

LAST UPDATED @ 9:26PM (1.12.2016)

Hillary Clinton explains the "facts-optional policy" of the Republican Party is very desirable and much better than trying to debate her far more liberal rival Bernie Sanders on serious issues like income inequality, healthcare for all Americans, and the dangers of preemptive war.

Hillary Clinton testifying before House Select Committee on Benghazi. (Above)
(Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was considering switching to the Republican Party to run for president, which she believed would greatly increase her chances of being in the general election due to the party's "facts-optional policy." Clinton blamed the need to consider becoming a Republican on her Democratic rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who had recently surged ahead of Clinton in polls of likely Democratic primary caucus-goers and voters in Iowa and New Hampshire, respectfully.


"Bernie Sanders is making me defend my liberally-challenged, pro-war record. He is really looking like the Barack Obama of 2016 with his populist grassroots campaign," complained Clinton, who sighed heavily and added, "Except Bernie has a much more solid liberal record than Obama had back in 2008. How the hell can I compete with that when I am basically what a moderate Republican would be in the 1980s?"


Clinton continued, "It is Bernie Sanders' fault I am seriously considering a switch to the Republican Party to run for president, because he insists on talking about ridiculous issues like income inequality and healthcare for all Americans. Honestly, though, I bet I could really excel in the GOP. Facts are optional and Republicans routinely defend anyone doing anything as long as they have an 'R' after their name."


"So, if I become a Republican, please remember it is the fault of Bernie Sanders and Americans who are selfishly thinking about their own well-being. These people want to take the White House from me again," explained a thoroughly annoyed and red-faced Secretary Clinton.


An unidentified member of the press asked Clinton what her plan was to combat Bernie Sanders' increasing popularity with Americans, and questioned whether Clinton's plan to attack Sanders would be different if she was a Republican rather than a Democrat.


"Well, as a Democratic presidential candidate I will try to pretend to be a liberal like Bernie and most Americans, but that didn't work out so well for me in 2008. People will just attack my ties to banks, my vote for the 2003 Iraq invasion, and me changing my positions with the political winds," replied Clinton.


Clinton smiled and stated, "As a Republican presidential candidate I can lie with impunity, accuse Bernie of some pretty wild things, and talk about the mythical 'job creators' while I push for more banking deregulation just like the stuff that helped cause the 2008 financial crisis."


Secretary Clinton cited Republican presidential candidate and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump as perfect evidence for the GOP's "facts-optional policy," and the much lower bar to become the Republican presidential nominee.

DISCLAIMER NOTICE:

The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.