1.30.2016

L.A. Hole Releasing Desperately Needed Methane "Vitamins" into Earth's Atmosphere

 LAST UPDATED @ 12:07PM (1.30.2016)

Sempra Energy asserts the uncontrolled, gargantuan natural gas leak at its Aliso Canyon Oil Field was a good thing, because the millions of tons of methane being released were "like vitamins" for Earth's methane-starved atmosphere.

Aliso Canyon Gas Leak - Wikipedia
Screenshot taken of Alison Canyon gas leak entry on Wikipedia.

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Sempra Energy declared the uncontrolled, gargantuan natural gas leak at its Aliso Canyon Oil Field was actually releasing desperately needed methane into Earth's atmosphere. The parent corporation of Southern California Gas Company (SoCal) asserted methane was "like vitamins for the atmosphere," and that over 2 million tons of vitamins had been dispatched since the leak started on October 23rd, 2015.

"Don't allow the climate change alarmists to fool you. Earth's atmosphere is desperately lacking methane, so the leak at our Aliso Canyon Oil Field due to lax regulations and safety standards is actually a good thing," asserted Madelyn Spinner, a spokesperson for Sempra Energy.


Spinner continued, "So the millions of tons of methane that have already been released are like vitamins for the atmosphere. That's why Sempra Energy is taking so very long to stop the leak. It's just not a bad thing."

"Sempra Energy also believes that science is still trying to determine whether methane is actually a gas that causes climate change. We really don't think so," explained Spinner, who smiled.


An unidentified member of the press asked Spinner why residents near the natural gas leak had been evacuated, and all schools within five miles of it were slated to be given air purifiers.

"Well, it's not the natural gas. It's the Earth's atmosphere punishing humans for trying to breathe in the methane it so desperately needs," replied Spinner.


Every Republican presidential candidate agreed with Sempra Energy that methane was "very good" for the methane-starved atmosphere.

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