1.28.2016

9-1-1 Braces for Calls Related to Shattered Screens During GOP Debate

 LAST UPDATED @ 4:16PM (1.28.2016)

9-1-1 dispatch centers across the country are preparing for higher call volume due to injuries related to Americans breaking television and computer screens during tonight's Republican presidential debate hosted by Fox News.

9-1-1 - Wikipedia
9-1-1 dispatch centers are bracing for injuries related to GOP presidential debate.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, 9-1-1 operators across the country announced they were bracing themselves for a sharp rise in calls related to shattered television and computer screens during the Republican presidential primary debate tonight. Virtually all 9-1-1 operators and heightened numbers of first responders will be working tonight, and both groups expected injuries like lacerations, severe blood loss, electrocutions, and wounds filled with glass, among many others.

"Americans need to be very careful during the Republican presidential debate scheduled for tonight, which will undoubtedly cause bouts of extreme anger, loss of faith in humanity and democracy, and an overwhelming sense of pessimism for the future of the United States," said Nora Pasteur, a 9-1-1 operator in New York City.


Pasteur continued, "We urge Americans to simply turn off the Republican presidential debate and watch something else if they feel any of the above symptoms beginning to overwhelm them. Literally, just find anything else to do rather than be a willing audience for the GOP's casual lies and expressions of bigotry."

"In the event Americans do injure themselves in a fit of rage, please remember 9-1-1 is there for you in extreme emergencies. So things like being electrocuted and having deep lacerations with severe bleeding," explained Pasteur.


An unidentified member of the press asked Pasteur if the upcoming Republican presidential debate was any more or less safe than those preceding it in this election cycle.

"Well, Donald Trump won't be there, which means there will be no bouts of humor between the lies and bigotry at the debate. So, I'd say less safe," replied Pasteur.

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