12.08.2015

Speaker Ryan Just as Bad at Job as the Other Guy, Gov't to Shut Down

LAST UPDATED @ 1:28PM (12.8.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) confirmed he was just as bad at his job as his predecessor John Boehner, because the federal government was almost certain to shut down at the end of the week. Ryan asserted he may actually be worse than Boehner due to his over willingness to allow ultra-extreme-right-wing Republicans to have their Teabagger tantrum over Planned Parenthood and Obamacare, and callously harm veterans, the elderly, the poor, at-risk children, the sick and disabled, and many other groups that depend on government assistance simply to survive.


"Americans should expect the federal government to shut down at the end of the week, because it is pretty much imminent at this point. I will be very busy with House Republicans and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell sending bills to the White House that everyone knows President Obama will never sign," stated Speaker Ryan, who warned reporters beforehand he would not answer questions about his beard.


Ryan continued, "Veterans, the poor, disabled, the elderly, and so many others should prepare themselves for an unknown period of time where they will be completely cut-off from critical government assistance. And Republicans are doing this to hurt other people like Syria refugees while we give the wealthy Christmas gifts like lower taxes and killing the ban on exporting crude oil.

Paul Ryan
Paul Ryan shakes John Boehner's hand at the end of October 2015.

"If we are successful in killing the ban on selling domestic crude oil, Americans can expect high prices at the pump and a hit to energy independence, which Republicans really don't care about," explained Ryan, as he curled two 25-pound dumbbells to work on his biceps.


Speaker Ryan also warned the vast majority of Americans he wanted to "accelerate the over 30-year redistribution of wealth from the poor, and what is left of the middle class, to the wealthy."


Former Speaker John Boehner did not reply to TNA's request for comment, though TNA can confirm he was sampling multiple jugs of Carlo Gallo Chabli at the winery he owns.

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