12.25.2015

Conservative Uncle Gives Himself Immunity from Providing Evidence

LAST UPDATED @ 7:58PM (12.25.2015)

Uncle Dick Goop gave himself immunity from providing evidence in support of his Republican talking points this Christmas.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC. Uncle Dick supports Trump.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

EAST PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Today, conservative Uncle Dick Goop gave himself immunity from having to provide evidence in support of his political arguments while he attended a Christmas dinner at his mother-in-law's house. Goop, a Republican and resident of neighboring Massachusetts, refused to grant such immunity to any of his progressive family members, whom he hounded mercilessly to provide evidence for everything they said.


"Uncle Dick gets worse every year. This year he kept interrupting everything the progressives in the family were trying to say, and demanded evidence. To make it way worse, he decided not to even put the minimal effort he usually does to cite unreliable conservative propaganda sources," explained Gabriel Crossington, a progressive and the eldest nephew of Goop.


Crossington added, "He gave himself complete immunity from his own lofty standards. Uncle Dick really outdid himself this year when it came to not substantiating anything he said. He called Bernie Sanders 'a communist' and 'a fascist,' told me to prove they were mutually exclusive, then refused to look at the Internet source I found with little effort."


"Most of us tried our best to avoid him once he started to demand we also find evidence for his arguments," said Crossington, who was told to do research on the benefits of a consumption tax and the number of illegal immigrants "invading America."


Mr. Goop targeted the children of the family when the adults would no longer engage with him, and demanded the kids provide evidence for their assertion Donald Trump was "just a loud, angry clown-man"


Goop expressed frustration with his "completely unreasonable and uninformed" family before declaring victory over his progressive enemies and leaving early.

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