12.21.2015

Santorum: Women Back in Kitchen Only Way to Stop Right-Wing Domestic Terrorism

LAST UPDATED @ 8:48PM (12.21.2015)

Rick Santorum on Wikipedia
Rick Santorum speaking at the 2015 CPAC in Maryland on 2.27.2015. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania declared the only way to stop male Caucasians from using their guns and dangerous right-wing ideology in acts of domestic terrorism was to put women back in the kitchen. Santorum pledged to stop right-wing terrorism, and urged American women to help him by quickly finding a husband, having more kids, and getting reacquainted with working almost exclusively in their home, especially kitchen.


"As president, I will be tough on Islamic terrorists, and hunt them down using any means necessary. But when it comes to stopping white males from engaging in right-wing domestic terrorism with their guns, I am going to need help from all of America's ladies," stated Santorum, who strained to smile.


Santorum added, "Every American woman needs to get back to the kitchen and her husband. If you don't have a husband, I'll sign an executive order forcing you to find one. Those babies aren't going to make themselves inside of you. So you all need some daddy juice as soon as possible."


"And no more lesbian stuff or divorce in my America. Women will cook and clean, and see the house as their place of work. By liberating women from their paying jobs we will stop the decay of our society and those domestic terrorists will disappear," said Santorum.


An unidentified female member of the press asked Santorum if he planned to do anything about the hate speech that has become synonymous with right-wing media over the last few decades.


"No. Our freedom of speech is too important, and I refuse to sacrifice freedom for anything short of my own very extreme religious beliefs. Now go find a husband," replied Santorum.

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