|Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC. Trump confirms sexting with Putin. |
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump confirmed reports he had been sexting with Russian President Vladimir Putin for over six months. Governor of Ohio John Kasich - a rival Republican presidential candidate, who refuses to make public the "very troubling" sexts - discovered the long-term sexting relationship between Trump and Putin after becoming convinced he should investigate the relationship between the two after days of them being very complimentary of each other in the media.
"First, I just want to say that Governor Kasich is just a huge joke, and really very stupid. I have been so polite, and I mean super-nice, to that loser and he has to pry into my personal life and find out I have been sexting with Vladimir Putin for the better part of a year," stated Trump, who was so angry he took his "Make America Great Again" cap off and threw it to the ground.
Trump continued, "And so what? I am a strong guy, Putin is a strong guy. We have a lot in common, especially hating President Obama and not being too thrilled about gays and Muslims. Putin wants to help me make America great again, and I have already presold some brand-new nukes to Vladimir, because he knows what to sext me so I can't say 'no' to him."
An unidentified member of the press asked Trump why he thought it was acceptable to sell nuclear weapons to Russia, which already had a sizable nuclear arsenal that primarily targeted the United States.
"I am the best negotiator and know how to make good deals, not bad deals. Putin gave me fourteen Tu-95 Bear bombers yesterday for like three nukes he won't get for over a year," explained Trump.
President Putin refused to comment on either the sexting relationship or the arms deal he negotiated with Trump.