NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox News entertainers Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly were detained by the New York City Police Department (NYPD) for stalking a black Santa Claus down Sixth Avenue and serenading him with the Christmas song "White Christmas." Fox News and the NYPD have both released statements declaring neither O'Reilly or Kelly was arrested, though witnesses claimed Bill O'Reilly came close to being arrested for "pushing his luck" with the officers.
"You know, I don't get what the problem is. Kelly and I try to do a nice thing and spread the Christmas spirit around, and this black Santa calls the police," protested Bill O'Reilly, who ignored Fox News CEO Roger Ailes' directive not to speak about the early-morning incident.
O'Reilly continued, "Maybe that pinhead black guy is a little too sensitive and shouldn't be dressing as Santa Claus if he can't deal with the Christmas cheer from people like me who love Christmas. I mean, I only pushed him a few times while singing 'White Christmas.'"
Megyn Kelly also considered herself to be a victim in the incident, and stated, "The liberals in this city are ruining Christmas when I cannot sing "White Christmas" while kicking and punching a black Santa Claus. Santa is just white. He just is. Historical fact."
Fox News jumped to defend its popular entertainment personalities, and blamed the black Santa Claus "for offending the deeply held racist beliefs of O'Reilly and Kelly" by not allowing them to harass him with impunity.
TNA learned Bill O'Reilly left work early today to begin preparing chicken croquettes and instant mashed potatoes for a Christmas Eve dinner his daughter would likely not show for.