12.18.2015

DNC Changes Name to "Elect Hillary Clinton President 2016"

LAST UPDATED @ 9:19PM (12.18.2015)

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz
Hillary Clinton shill. (Above)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced it was changing its name to "Elect Hillary Clinton President 2016," and publicly committed itself to destroying the campaign of U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont "by any means necessary." Debbie Wasserman Schultz declared she was already using her position as chair of the DNC's successor organization to cripple the Sanders campaign by restricting its access to critical voter information it needed to contact and mobilize its supporters.


"It should be clear to everyone by now that I want Hillary Clinton to become president, so the Democratic National Committee is renaming itself 'Elect Hillary Clinton President 2016,'" stated Debbie Wasserman Schultz, the former chair of the DNC famous for inexplicably losing elections across the country to deranged Teabaggers interested in destroying the government.


Wasserman Schultz added, "At first I thought Bernie Sanders could be stopped by making a debate schedule that heavily favored Hillary Clinton. So I made sure to schedule debates on weekends, during popular sporting events, and other times I determined would attract a small audience. Well, I was wrong."


"Now I am restricting the Sanders campaign from accessing its own voter database in response to a story I leaked to the press about some of his campaign staff seeing Hillary's voter database due to the failure of our contractor to maintain a firewall between the candidates' data," said Wasserman Schultz.


Wasserman Schultz smirked prior to stating, "Let's see how Bernie Sanders deals with not being able to connect with his supporters so close to the Iowa caucuses. The debate tomorrow night should be fun to watch, especially with Hillary pretending she is the victim in all of this."


Donations to the presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders have increased since the highly unethical and partisan actions of Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

DISCLAIMER NOTICE:

The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.