|Donald Trump speaking on 2.27.2015. He has tested positive for Fascism.|
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) declared Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) had tested positive for the Fascism Virus - a mutation of the Right-wing Propaganda Virus. The CDC warned Americans the Fascism Virus was a highly-contagious airborne and electromagnetic superbug with no known cure short of a proper liberal education and being an informed citizen.
"All Americans should stay as far away as they can from billionaire Donald Trump and Senator Ted Cruz. They have both tested positive for the Fascism Virus, a mutation of the Right-wing Propaganda Virus that can be spread even if you just listen to them on the radio or on television," warned Dr. Atlas Vigilance, who was visibly shaking and seemed abnormally pale.
Vigilance continued, "Americans can easily spot someone afflicted with the Fascism Virus by paying careful attention to what they say and what they do. If someone wants to shred the Constitution and curtail personal freedoms in the name of order, punishing real and imagined internal enemies, and waging foreign war, then that person has the Fascism Virus."
"Both Mr. Trump and Senator Cruz have identified a multitude of internal enemies they want to curtail the freedoms of, namely non-straight-white-male-Christians. They have also named many foreign enemies they want to wage war against, including Iran and the Islamic State," stated Dr. Vigilance.
An unidentified member of the press asked Dr. Vigilance if he may be overreacting to the clear symptoms Trump and Cruz have been displaying for the last few months on the campaign trail.
"No. The CDC cannot urge Americans enough to stay clear of Trump and Cruz. They are highly contagious, and threaten the very existence of our secular republic," replied Vigilance.