11.18.2015

Republicans Earn Bonuses for Exceeding ISIS Recruiting Goals

Last Updated @ 2:37PM (11.18.2015) 

The Republican Party
The Republican Party earns hundreds of thousands of dollars recruiting for ISIS.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Islamic State (ISIS) announced many prominent Republican politicians - including many GOP presidential candidates - will receive cash bonuses for exceeding ISIS's recruiting goals. The Islamic State explained Republican opposition to Syrian refugees being allowed into the United States was "a wonderful way" to help the religious-extremist organization recruit even more Syrian civilians, who were essentially being held hostage inside their own country.


"The Republican Party is doing an amazing job beating our 2015 recruiting goals. Speaker Paul Ryan and his Teabagger allies in the House are actually threatening to shut down the American government if Republicans aren't allowed to sink a program that allows Syrian refugees to enter the United States," stated a man wearing all black, who claimed to be the Islamic State's Director of Recruiting.


The ISIS official added, "Speaker Ryan is getting a $150,000 bonus for his efforts, and many Republicans in Congress will be receiving a $15,000 or $30,000 bonus. They'll get the higher amount if they are also urging more direct American military action in Syria while they tell Syrian civilians to stay where they are in the kill zone."

Donald Trump speaking at CPAC in Maryland on 2.27.2015.  He received the highest bonus.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

"Of course, their bonuses all pale in comparison to the one Donald Trump will be receiving. Trump not only wants to keep Syrian refugees out of the United States, but he wants to deport them back to Syria and into the Islamic State's arms. For that, he is receiving a $500,000 bonus," explained the ISIS recruiting director.


TNA learned Republican presidential candidates who want to keep Syrian refugees from entering the United States will receive a $25,000 bonus, but GOP candidates only welcoming Syrian refugees who are Christians will receive a $75,000 bonus for reinforcing the narrative that Muslim lives are less valuable.


"The Islamic State can relate to Republicans who say they are Christians and confess Muslim lives are less valuable to them than Christian lives. We think in much the same way, just in reverse," explained the Islamic State recruiting source.


At the close of the interview, TNA was informed every Republican governor opposed to taking Syrian refugees will be receiving a $5,000 bonus for standing against basic human rights and decency.

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