11.25.2015

President of Turkey Blackout Drunk When Russian Plane Downed

LAST UPDATED @ 7:06PM (11.25.2015)

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan announced he was "blackout drunk" when he ordered a Russian Su-24 shot down on Tuesday. Erdoğan claimed to be completely sober again, and declared there was no reason for Russia to station naval vessels with anti-aircraft missiles closer to Turkey, or construct anti-aircraft batteries in Syria capable of shooting down aircraft in Turkish airspace. 


"I was blackout drunk when I ordered two of our F-16s to shoot down a Russian Su-24. I can't remember doing any of it, and I really don't know if the Russian aircraft even entered Turkish airspace. If Russia could just forget this entire thing happened, that would be great," announced President Erdoğan.


Erdoğan added, "I never should have drank a whole bottle of bootleg raki. I made a mistake, and urge Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin to stop positioning Russian anti-aircraft platforms closer to Turkey. I already feel awfully terrible about this incident."

Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoğan
In 2013, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan was Prime Minister of Turkey.

"Publicly, NATO and the United States are defending my actions, but privately they have been extremely critical. When they found out I was blackout drunk when I ordered that Russian aircraft shot down they got much more angry," explained Erdoğan.


President Putin continued to ignore President Erdoğan's pleas, and quickly went to work moving Russian anti-aircraft platforms and aircraft flight paths even closer to Turkey.


"My fellow Turks will be happy to hear this whole Russian thing has convinced me to ban alcohol entirely," said a hypocritical Erdoğan, who opposed alcohol consumption.

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