11.17.2015

Jeb: No Non-Christian Syrian Refugees, "Let God Sort Them Out"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, struggling Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush declared only Syrian refugees who were Christians should be allowed into the United States. Bush asserted Syrian refugees who practiced Islam should be left in Syria to die by one of the many belligerents fighting in the region, "because that's what Jesus Christ would do."


"You know, the United States should only accept Syrian refugees if they are confirmed to be Christians. And by that, I mainly mean Catholics, just like me," stated Bush, who stared at the press with a familiar vacant expression when asked about how to stop the Islamic State.


Bush continued, "The Syrian refugees that follow the Islamic religion can go back to Syria where we can let God sort them out. And I obviously mean the Christian one, not that Allah guy."

Jeb Bush speaking at the 2015 Conservative Political Action
Conference (CPAC) in February 2015. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

"If Syrian refugees who follow the false god of Allah decide to convert to Catholicism, maybe we can talk about a probation period in Canada before allowing them into American," said Bush.


"But probably not. That would totally end my hapless presidential campaign, because conservative Christians are bigots obsessed with punishment," explained Bush, who shrugged.


Republican presidential rival and billionaire Donald Trump called Jeb Bush "a weak leader, and a little fat, too," before asserting, "the U.S. should let God sort all the Syrians out."

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