11.27.2015

Citizens of Christian Nation Assault Each Other for Digital Toasters

LAST UPDATED @ 2:16PM (11.27.2015)

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, citizens of a Christian nation assaulted each other to get their hands on a finite supply of heavily discounted 4-slice digital toasters at a well-known national department store. The American Christians used their fists, feet, and a wide variety of other means of physical violence on their fellow God-fearing brothers and sisters to gain an advantage in acquiring the desirable material possession.


"I was first in line when the doors opened, but I still had to fight off a bunch of people who ran faster than me to the 4-slice digital toasters. I had to punch an old man, and tackle a woman who was definitely pregnant to make sure I got a toaster," confessed Pastor Chip Larson, who told TNA he was a Southern Baptist.


Larson added, "That old man and the pregnant woman were fast, but the Lord was on my side this morning. He helped me vanquish the enemies sent by Satan to prevent me from getting my 4-slice digital toaster."


 Citizens of a Christian nation on Black Friday. (Above)   SOURCE: GIPHY

Not all of the Christian consumers were as lucky as Pastor Larson at acquiring material possessions.


"I really think a lot of my fellow Christians scouted out the store before tonight. I didn't know where the 4-slice digital toasters were, and they were gone by the time I found out," stated Mary Drummer, an Evangelical who homeschooled her eight children.


Drummer informed TNA she was able to get the last heavily discounted high-end blender, and all she had to do was pepper spray a blind man and his service dog.

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