11.30.2015

Fox News Takes Responsibility for Planned Parenthood Terror Attack

LAST UPDATED @ 1:59PM (12.1.2015)

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes takes personal and moral responsibility - cornerstones of conservative ideology - by admitting his right-wing propaganda network is exactly like a person who erroneously screams "fire" in a crowded theater or a white supremacist who incites hatred and violence - a clear and present danger to the American public.


One of the many faced of domestic right-wing terrorism.
One of the many faces of domestic right-wing terrorism. Screen shot.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, Fox News declared responsibility for the domestic right-wing terrorist attack on a Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado Springs, Colorado that killed three and wounded nine others on Friday. The right-wing propaganda network declared it may as well have fired all the bullets at the scene due to its hate-filled, largely make-believe rhetoric regarding Planned Parenthood combined with its fear-mongering and urging of its viewers to be armed at all times to respond to fabricated imminent threats that are everywhere.


"Robert Dear may have been the one firing the bullets on Friday, but right-wing propaganda outlets masquerading as news outlets just like us are definitely morally culpable for encouraging people like him to hate Planned Parenthood and abortion so much they act out violently," confessed Fox News CEO Roger Ailes, who also accepted responsibility for "that whole crazy 'guns everywhere thing.'"


Ailes added, "First, we tell our viewers everyone is lying to them, except us. Then we ignore inconvenient facts and create a narrative where we tell people like Robert Dear they are victims of whatever injustices we think of. As far as Planned Parenthood is concerned, we have essentially turned it into a murder mill for babies."

11.29.2015

"Happy Holidays" Faction Strikes North Pole, "Merry Christmas" H.Q.

LAST UPDATED @ 5:33PM (11.29.2015)

THE NORTH POLE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the "Happy Holidays" faction in the War on Christmas launched a surprise attack on the North Pole headquarters of the "Merry Christmas" faction. Heavy damage was done to Merry Christmas H.Q. by the Happy Holidays strike force, which breached the walls and forced its captives to play with dreidels, sit around a Festivus Pole and perform both the Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength, and wear Happy New Year hats and blow on similarly marked noisemakers.


"Christmas Marshal Santa Claus was at the elf right-to-work toy sweatshop making sure production quotas were being met when Happy Holidays extremists attacked our headquarters. He is unharmed and has been relocated to an undisclosed location," stated North Pole Sky Marshal Piper Brandypudding - an elf sitting on a flying moose.


Brandypudding added, "We have already retaken Merry Christmas Headquarters, and freed all of our soldiers who were tortured by the Happy Holidays strike force. Even though we have to move Merry Christmas operations to Bethlehem this year, none of our sleighs have been harmed and Christmas is still happening."

11.27.2015

Citizens of Christian Nation Assault Each Other for Digital Toasters

LAST UPDATED @ 2:16PM (11.27.2015)

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, citizens of a Christian nation assaulted each other to get their hands on a finite supply of heavily discounted 4-slice digital toasters at a well-known national department store. The American Christians used their fists, feet, and a wide variety of other means of physical violence on their fellow God-fearing brothers and sisters to gain an advantage in acquiring the desirable material possession.


"I was first in line when the doors opened, but I still had to fight off a bunch of people who ran faster than me to the 4-slice digital toasters. I had to punch an old man, and tackle a woman who was definitely pregnant to make sure I got a toaster," confessed Pastor Chip Larson, who told TNA he was a Southern Baptist.


Larson added, "That old man and the pregnant woman were fast, but the Lord was on my side this morning. He helped me vanquish the enemies sent by Satan to prevent me from getting my 4-slice digital toaster."

11.26.2015

GOP Thankful for Sabotaged Education System Keeping Party Viable

LAST UPDATED @ 2:12PM (11.25.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) declared it was thankful for an American education system so broken and preoccupied by standardized testing it helped the Republican Party remain a viable political party. The RNC also claimed responsibility for the endless attacks on public education, which have effectively sabotaged efforts to create a well-informed citizenry.


"The GOP is very thankful for America's awful education system. Sabotaging the education system was a critical part of our plan to keep the party relevant and viable despite its naked racism, sexism, anti-intellectualism, and general aversion to objective reality," explained RNC Chairman Reince Priebus.


Priebus continued, "We've made sure very few Americans will become well-informed citizens, and we have done it by keeping educators too busy worrying about things like standardized tests and how they are going to pay for classroom supplies public school systems can no longer afford."

11.25.2015

President of Turkey Blackout Drunk When Russian Plane Downed

LAST UPDATED @ 7:06PM (11.25.2015)

ANKARA, TURKEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan announced he was "blackout drunk" when he ordered a Russian Su-24 shot down on Tuesday. Erdoğan claimed to be completely sober again, and declared there was no reason for Russia to station naval vessels with anti-aircraft missiles closer to Turkey, or construct anti-aircraft batteries in Syria capable of shooting down aircraft in Turkish airspace. 


"I was blackout drunk when I ordered two of our F-16s to shoot down a Russian Su-24. I can't remember doing any of it, and I really don't know if the Russian aircraft even entered Turkish airspace. If Russia could just forget this entire thing happened, that would be great," announced President Erdoğan.


Erdoğan added, "I never should have drank a whole bottle of bootleg raki. I made a mistake, and urge Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin to stop positioning Russian anti-aircraft platforms closer to Turkey. I already feel awfully terrible about this incident."

11.24.2015

Trump Burns U.S. Constitution to Chants of "U-S-A"

LAST UPDATED @ 2:23  (11.24.2015)

Trump burns Constitution to show all Americans he and his supporters are willing to do anything to "make America great again," including "burning liberal documents." Trump reminds supporters money can buy anything, especially the presidency.

COLUMBUS, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and rabble-rousing billionaire Donald Trump burned the original U.S. Constitution while his supporters chanted "U-S-A" during a rowdy campaign rally. It was not initially clear how Trump obtained the actual Constitution, but the hallowed American document burned much faster than Trump had expected, resulting in minor burns to both of his hands while roving bands of Brownshirts for Trump physically assaulted non-white protesters in the crowd.


"You people are amazing, being able to beat up black and brown protesters while chanting 'USA' and cheering for me while I burned one of our nation's most important documents. I'm so impressed by this pretty much all-white crowd, and more convinced than ever that we are totally going to make America great again," declared Trump, who confessed, "though I did get a little burned."


Trump pointed to the back of the room before adding, "I want everyone to give a big hand to my Brownshirts for Trump members, who are so passionate and excited about me becoming president that they are still beating up at least a handful, or maybe more, of non-white racist people back there."

11.23.2015

TPP to Protect American Freedom to Drink Poisonous Fracking Water

LAST UPDATED @ 7:55PM (11.23.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, President Obama spoke about how the Trans-Pacific Partnership - a massive multinational trade deal the president intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to drink poisonous fracking water. President Obama announced TPP will allow natural gas companies to sue the United States so they can overturn fracking bans and extract natural gas by pumping poisonous water into the ground, resulting in contaminated aquifers and other public water sources.


"The Trans-Pacific Partnership will protect the freedom of every American to drink water that has been contaminated by hydraulic fracturing water used to break shale rock and release natural gas from the ground. This fracking water is some really nasty stuff, and very poisonous to humans," explained President Obama, who confessed he did not know what was in the fracking water, but he did know the water could be set on fire.


The president continued, "TPP will make it impossible for the government to protect Americans, and the water they drink, from oil and natural gas corporations, because those corporations can sue all levels of American government simply because a ban on fracking negatively impacts their projected profits."

11.22.2015

Trump Invites Black Lives Matter Activists to "Dogs & Fire Hoses Rally"

LAST UPDATED @ 5:44PM (11.22.2015)

PHOENIX, ARIZONA (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and extremely bored billionaire Donald Trump invited Black Lives Matter activists to his "Dogs & Fire Hoses Rally" in Phoenix later this week in order to open a dialogue. Trump supporters are being encouraged to bring breeds of dogs usually used by law enforcement agencies from home - if they have them - to facilitate the exchange of ideas during the rally, but Black Lives Matter activists in Phoenix have told TNA they were told to only bring themselves.


"I am giving an open invitation to all Blacks Lives Matter activists in the Phoenix area to come to my Dogs & Fire Hoses Rally on Wednesday at the Gila River Arena. My supporters will bring the dogs, and the local fire department will bring the hoses so we can open what will totally be a hugely honest, passionate, and probably very painful dialogue," stated Trump, who declared such a meeting was "long overdue."


Trump added, "The Black Lives Matter people are not allowed to bring dogs. That will just be too confusing having all of those dogs around. How would we be able to exchange ideas with each other in a respectful and brutally straightforward way with all of those dogs?"

11.21.2015

Man Calls Obama "Hitler," Supports Muslims Wearing I.D. Badges

American Infrastructure Report Card
Thomas Basil is a right-wing politics man who believes things like
Republicans will fix America's infrastructure by cutting his taxes.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man who identified himself as "a hugely patriotic American" accused President Obama of acting like Hitler for forcing states to take Syrian refugees fleeing from the Islamic State. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, subsequently told TNA he supported the idea of forcing Muslims in the United States to wear badges that identify them as Muslims - an idea endorsed by Republican presidential candidate and loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump.


"I don't know who President Obama thinks he is, but he cannot just do whatever he wants and force states to take Syrian refugees, who are mostly all terrorists. That's something Hitler would do," stated Basil, who grew angrier and increasingly louder as he talked.

Mr. Basil added, "This isn't Nazi Germany, this is America and it should be for Americans, not for Muslim terrorists. That's why we need to stop the commie-fascist Obama from letting terrorists into America. Why are we even discussing this?"

11.20.2015

Hillary Drafting Young Donors for 2017 ISIS Ground War

LAST UPDATED @ 5:31PM (11.20.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was drafting all of her campaign donors between the ages of 18 and 25 for ground combat roles in the war she planned to fight against the Islamic State (ISIS) following her inauguration in 2017. Clinton touted her gender inclusiveness in the process, and noted both men and women were being automatically volunteered for military service to fight in her future Middle East wars of choice.


"My supporters must know by now that I intend to be far more willing to use the American military in direct ground combat roles than President Obama. I have learned absolutely nothing from my vote to authorize the 2003 war in Iraq, or the American experience in Vietnam," said Secretary Clinton, who reminded reporters ISIS was just the first of many targets.


Clinton continued, "All my supporters have to do is listen to the words coming out of my mouth when I speak to them. I absolutely intend to grow our ground forces in order to fight in all of my wars, and drafting donors to my campaign between the ages of 18 to 25 just makes a ton of sense"

11.19.2015

Corporate Media: War "Wicked Awesome" & ISIS "Very Scary"

LAST UPDATED @ 7:11PM (11.19.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the corporate media in the United States urged Americans "to remember how wicked awesome and fun" going to war was when President George W. Bush invaded Iraq in 2003 with absolutely no plan for what to do afterward. For those unconvinced, spurious corporate journalists like everyone on Fox News and CNN's Wolf Blitzer spent the day fearmonging, and interviewed a slew of pro-war guests to convince Americans the Islamic State (ISIS) was so scary the United States must immediately send ground troops back to the Middle East.


"Americans must accept that the government can't protect them from ISIS, and you need to be afraid. So not only do we have to go to all-out war with ISIS in Syria, Iraq, and wherever else they are, but all Americans need to buy a gun and stop being 'soft targets' for ISIS," explained Fox News' Greg Gutfield, who smiled like a childhood bully following a successful shakedown.


Gutfield added, "Everyone just needs to tell President Obama and his liberal allies to stop being such cowards. The United States needs to go to war with ISIS so it can kill all the people who hate us, and leave the young survivors of our unthinking aggression to be the next generation of American haters."

11.18.2015

Republicans Earn Bonuses for Exceeding ISIS Recruiting Goals

Last Updated @ 2:37PM (11.18.2015) 

The Republican Party
The Republican Party earns hundreds of thousands of dollars recruiting for ISIS.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Islamic State (ISIS) announced many prominent Republican politicians - including many GOP presidential candidates - will receive cash bonuses for exceeding ISIS's recruiting goals. The Islamic State explained Republican opposition to Syrian refugees being allowed into the United States was "a wonderful way" to help the religious-extremist organization recruit even more Syrian civilians, who were essentially being held hostage inside their own country.


"The Republican Party is doing an amazing job beating our 2015 recruiting goals. Speaker Paul Ryan and his Teabagger allies in the House are actually threatening to shut down the American government if Republicans aren't allowed to sink a program that allows Syrian refugees to enter the United States," stated a man wearing all black, who claimed to be the Islamic State's Director of Recruiting.


The ISIS official added, "Speaker Ryan is getting a $150,000 bonus for his efforts, and many Republicans in Congress will be receiving a $15,000 or $30,000 bonus. They'll get the higher amount if they are also urging more direct American military action in Syria while they tell Syrian civilians to stay where they are in the kill zone."

11.17.2015

Jeb: No Non-Christian Syrian Refugees, "Let God Sort Them Out"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, struggling Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush declared only Syrian refugees who were Christians should be allowed into the United States. Bush asserted Syrian refugees who practiced Islam should be left in Syria to die by one of the many belligerents fighting in the region, "because that's what Jesus Christ would do."


"You know, the United States should only accept Syrian refugees if they are confirmed to be Christians. And by that, I mainly mean Catholics, just like me," stated Bush, who stared at the press with a familiar vacant expression when asked about how to stop the Islamic State.


Bush continued, "The Syrian refugees that follow the Islamic religion can go back to Syria where we can let God sort them out. And I obviously mean the Christian one, not that Allah guy."

11.16.2015

TPP to Protect American Freedom to Not Afford Medicine

LAST UPDATED @ 12:41PM (11.16.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Obama announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal the president intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to not afford life-saving medicines. Instead, TPP will allow pharmaceutical companies to make more blood money by letting them keep longer patents on their drugs, and almost indefinitely prevent critical, far more affordable generic drugs from entering the American market.


"The American people will once again have the right to a lower standard of living, and the liberty to die as a result of TPP keeping affordable generic drugs for diseases like cancer off of the market. The freedom to die of treatable illnesses due to lack of money to pay for necessary drugs is American exceptionalism in action," explained President Obama.


Obama added, "Not only does TPP have the potential to bankrupt millions more American families like in the days prior to my signature healthcare law, but a flood of brand name drugs and no generic alternatives may also bankrupt programs like Medicare."

11.15.2015

Hillary: First Woman President Worth Death of Middle Class

LAST UPDATED @ 6:30PM (11.15.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told Americans electing the United States' first female president was worth the final collapse and permanent extinction of the American middle class. Clinton urged Americans to not be sexist, and to vote for her instead of trying to prevent both their standard of living and wages from continuing their free fall courtesy of the very people bankrolling her presidential campaign.


"I think it is pretty sexist for Americans not to elect me president just because I am going to allow the middle class to disappear forever, let wages and the average American's standard of living to fall even further, and make my rich donors on Wall Street even more wealthy," stated Secretary Clinton, who called her chief Democratic rival Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont "King Sexist" for opposing her.


Clinton added, "It is painfully clear to me the biggest sexist in America is that horrible Bernie Sanders, who keeps focusing on issues like rising income inequality that a large majority of Americans are deeply concerned about. Seriously, Americans just need to drop their silly, sexist, and sentimental attachment to the middle class and vote for me."

11.14.2015

U.S. Vows to Bomb More Civilian Targets After Paris Attacks

LAST UPDATED @ 2:18PM (11.14.2015)

President Obama promises civilians in the Middle East will suffer the consequences for Islamic extremists attacking civilians in the West.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, the White House announced it planned to indiscriminately bomb "way more" civilian targets in the Middle East than it had been prior to the terrorist attacks in Paris last night. President Obama explained air strikes that resulted in significant collateral damage were "the only way" to show the West's enemies that targeting civilians outside of the Middle East was completely unacceptable.


"We will be striking way more civilian targets in the Middle East to show our enemies that attacking civilians is unacceptable," stated President Obama.


Obama added, "Attacking civilians outside of the Middle East, that is. Because we will be continuing to bomb civilian targets there every day."

11.13.2015

Ben Carson Recounts Last Days of Hitler's Life in Bunker

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson recounted his last days with Adolf Hitler before the Führer took his own life on April 30th, 1945. Dr. Carson told his supporters in Iowa that he had declined Hitler's offer to be his successor prior to escaping from Berlin by rocket ship to avoid capture by the Red Army.


"Oh, man... things were crazy in Berlin in April 1945... just crazy like you wouldn't believe. Communists had invaded all of the homeland east of Berlin, and they wanted Berlin because they were jealous of how awesome Adolf Hitler was," explained a characteristically lethargic Dr. Carson.

11.12.2015

All Democratic Debates Changed to Mondays at 3AM

LAST UPDATED @ 6:11PM (11.12.2015)

Hillary denies any role in Democratic debate schedule changes, claims 3AM time "complete coincidence" in no way related to political attack ad Clinton campaign ran against then-Senator Barack Obama in 2008.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced all of the remaining Democratic presidential debates would occur on Mondays at 3AM. Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton denied any involvement in the debate schedule changes, as most Americans accused her of pushing for the scheduling changes to reduce the number of Americans able to watch Clinton debate her more progressive challengers.


"I don't know why all future Democratic debates have been rescheduled to Monday mornings at 3AM, but Americans should look on the bright side. Anyone who is actually up that early on a Monday morning will get to see what candidate is most alert at that time of day," explained Secretary Clinton.


Clinton added, "When that phone rings at the White House at 3 o'clock in the morning, you want someone with tons of experience supporting wars of choice and bombing foreign populations indiscriminately to answer it. Both of my Democratic opponents lack that type of experience."

11.11.2015

Majority of Americans Favor Blunt Force Trauma Over Hillary

LAST UPDATED @ 6:04PM (11.11.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, TNA released the results of an in-house study measuring how favorably Americans viewed Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The results showed the longer Hillary Clinton was in the public eye the more Americans recalled why they disliked her, and projected that by November 2016 over 78% of Americans would rather be murdered by blunt force trauma than vote for her.


"Most Americans just don't like Hillary Clinton to begin with. So when she does stuff like take an innocuous exchange during the first debate to imply Bernie Sanders was a sexist, and then used her surrogates to push that narrative, she reminded a lot of people why they really cannot stand her," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Scheider, who also warned, "much more of that is to come."


Schneider continued, "And I am talking Democrats and Republicans, progressives and conservatives, big government and small government Americans. There is strong bipartisan opposition to Hillary Clinton, and it only grows the longer she remains on the American political stage."

11.10.2015

Mothers of GOP Candidates to Protect Them During Debate

MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Today, every Republican presidential candidate announced his or her mother - or other support figure - would stand next to them during tonight's debate hosted by the Fox Business Network at the Milwaukee Theater. The GOP mothers demanded they be on stage to protect their children from both each other, and the moderators, especially after the last debate hosted by CNBC made their precious little snowflake adult-children have hissy fits.


"My Jeb is not going on that stage again unless I am with him. I have seen him lose enough debates, and this losing streak ends tonight," declared a stern Barbara Bush, who was - bar none - the most feared person to be in attendance at tonight's 9PM Republican debate.

11.09.2015

TPP to Protect American Freedom to Buy Poisonous Food

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Obama Administration announced the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) - a massive multinational trade deal President Obama intends to sign - will protect the freedom of all Americans to unknowingly purchase poisonous food. The White House explained companies located in other TPP nations will be able to sue the United States for having higher food safety standards, and force their poisonous food into the American market by citing "unfair protection of consumers."


"Once TPP is signed by President Obama, the American people will get to roll the dice whenever they purchase food. Because protecting American consumers from being poisoned by imported food puts the irrelevant health of consumers over the profits of corporations," announced White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

11.08.2015

Seven-Year-Old: U.S. Healthcare System Immoral, "S-Word"

MOBILE, ALABAMA (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, a seven-year-old boy named Jonathan Mercy concluded the American healthcare system was immoral and "the s-word." Jonathan came to his conclusion after his parents - who have no health insurance - went to the local pharmacy to fill a prescription, but were unable to afford the $13,000 price tag for a month's supply of a drug his mother needed to treat her cancer.


"So they want people to pay to not be sick and to stay alive? Even if they don't have the money? That's not right... that's not fair... that is really stupid," declared Jonathan, who was sitting in the backseat of the family car.

11.07.2015

GOP Slams Democratic Forum for Lack of Hatred of America

The GOP is the official party of hating America while pretending to love it.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, many of the Republican presidential candidates criticized their Democratic counterparts following the Democratic Forum held at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, South Carolina last night. The main criticism - by far - was the lack of infantile hatred of both their fellow Americans and the constitutional government of the United States whenever the Democrats did not get what they wanted.


"Where was the fearmongering, the pontificating, and the divisive hatred of the LGBT community, poor, disabled, elderly, war veterans, ethnic minorities, liberals, non-Chrisitians, and women and their reproductive rights?" asked Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), who asserted the Democrats were "really bad at this politics thing."

Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie asked, "Where was the infectious pessimism that the United States cannot afford to be a great nation with a modern infrastructure and healthy citizens, but it can sure as hell continue to fund a national military known for shamelessly wasting money with little accountability?"

11.06.2015

Ben Carson: Area 51 Stores My Original Brain, Sasquatches

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced the real purpose of Area 51 was to house his original brain, and a colony of Sasquatches. Carson's statement followed his declaration earlier in the week he still believed the true purpose of the pyramids in Egypt was to store grain.


"Everyone thinks Area 51 is the place where extraterrestrials live or fly or something, but that is not true. The real reason Area 51 exists is to house Sasquatches. Millions and millions of Sasquatches," said Carson, who gave the press a vacant stare.

11.05.2015

Study: U.S. Has Surplus of Second Amendment Experts

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the results of a TNA study revealed the United States has a dangerous surplus of self-proclaimed Second Amendment experts that are virtually all pro-gun, and feel obligated to defend the right to bear arms no matter how many people are killed by firearms. A startling 63% of Americans claimed to be Second Amendment experts, and virtually everyone in that group lacked the proper education required to substantiate such a claim.


"A little over 50% of Americans who claimed to be a Second Amendment expert confessed they had never actually read the amendment, but were definitely aware it existed due to the National Rifle Association and conservative propaganda networks," explained TNA Senior Researcher Dick Schneider.

11.04.2015

Islamic State Sends U.S. Letter of Thanks for Weapons

LAST UPDATED @ 10:36PM (11.4.2015)

The letter of gratitude is the Islamic State's third message of appreciation to the United States, which has announced it will stop "helping" Iraq until the Iraqis stop losing custody of the weapons they are gifted.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the White House received a letter from its enemy the Islamic State expressing the Islamic extremist group's gratitude for additional American military equipment, which it had easily captured from the fleeing Iraqi military. President Obama quickly responded to the letter of thanks from the Islamic State by warning Iraq "the arms gift shop is closed until Iraqis stop regifting American weapons of war to the Islamic State."


"While America has inferior pickup trucks compared to the Toyota trucks we like, the United States does have some great weapons. We just want to thank you for another shipment of weapons, President Obama," read a portion of the letter from the Islamic State.

11.03.2015

GOP Presidential Candidates Demand Debate Ponies

Last Updated @ 7:31PM (11.3.2015)

Staffers for Ted Cruz and Ben Carson walk out of meeting after being told unicorns do not exist.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, staffers representing most of the Republican presidential candidates met to discuss the demands they will make of all future debates, but the meeting quickly focused on ponies. Staffers agreed every candidate should have a debate animal to sit on, and a majority of the presidential campaigns voted for debate ponies.


"Every candidate will have a debate pony to sit on at all future debates. We are still working out the specifics, but I feel confident about having a draft letter demanding debate ponies by the end of the day," stated former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush.

11.02.2015

Hawkish Hillary Considering Dick Cheney for Secretary of State

LAST UPDATED @ 9:19PM (11.2.2015)

Former Vice President Dick Cheney would hand deliver declarations of war to the many countries Hillary Clinton intends to invade during her two terms as president.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, presumptuous Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was considering Dick Cheney for her old job at the U.S. Department of State. Clinton explained Cheney "made sense" as Secretary of State since her foreign policy would resemble the Cheney-inspired preemptive war policy used by President George W. Bush, and pointed to her consistent record of wanting to go to war with countries predominantly located in - or near - the Middle East and North Africa.


"I voted to authorize war in Iraq in 2002. I also pressed President Obama to escalate the situation in Ukraine way more than he did, and tried to convince him to send American ground forces to Syria way before he decided to finally do it last week," stated Clinton, who reminded Americans her record as a warmongering cheerleader for the military-industrial complex was "as plain as day, and easy to find with minimal effort."

11.01.2015

Jeb's Jobs Plan Fails to Get Marco Rubio Back to Work

LAST UPDATED @ 2:40PM (11.1.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush was widely criticized for his latest jobs plan failing to get presidential rival Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) back to work after missing a growing number of votes in the Senate. Bush's plan was declared "a complete failure" by conservative and liberal observers alike for its exclusive reliance on guilt, and failure to give Rubio any incentives to get back to work.


"There is no incentive for me to go back to the United States Senate and do some work, because I get paid either way. This whole guilt trip thing by Jeb isn't changing anything," stated Rubio, who was participating in a pie eating contest in Iowa.

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