10.05.2015

Wall Street Tells Americans Stock Market Will Never Go Down, Invest Now

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Wall Street released a statement to the American people urging them "to invest every last penny they could find in the stock market." The Wall Street proclamation promised Americans the stock market was "completely solid and not grossly overvalued due to market manipulation," and that it would "never go down in value."


"All the American people need to know is now is the time to invest. Ignore all the distractions out there like the recent Chinese stock market crash, the fact corporations are using their profits to purchase more of their own stock to greatly overvalue it, and the collapsing commodity market," urged the statement from Wall Street, which did not reveal its author.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Reserve_System
The seal of the Federal Reserve System, a non-governmental 
private bank that may cause the next economic collapse. (Above)

The pro-investment statement continued, "You should probably also ignore the fact the Federal Reserve did not raise interest rates, because it totally knows how weak the economy is. And definitely ignore the International Monetary Fund (IMF) warning a rise in rates may lead to mass corporate defaults, and general panic in the global economy."


"Stocks are going to keep rising and never go down in value thanks to trickle-down economics. The market certainly won't come down in a crash-like manner due to all of those distractions out there. So invest in already-inflated stocks to show those fat cats who have been doing all the inflating that you are no fool," declared the Wall Street statement.

No one on Wall Street would take credit for the statement, but virtually everyone on Wall Street asserted they "definitely have no idea" who wrote the small legal print in the document's footer declaring they "were not legally responsible for massive investor losses due to deceptive - but legal - trade practices."

DISCLAIMER NOTICE:

The Nil Admirari is "America's Most Swell News Source" of the spurious variety.