10.16.2015

Vladimir Putin to Run for President as Republican

LAST UPDATED @ 7:39PM (10.16.2015)

THE KREMLIN (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin announced he was running for the Republican presidential nomination due to how much his policies overlapped with those of the GOP. Putin's announcement elicited immediate gushing from Republicans and the right-wing propaganda networks that have praised Putin's strength and intelligence for years while they condemned President Obama for not starting a war with Russia over regional conflicts.


"I have decided to run for the Republican presidential nomination, because I champion so many Republican ideals. As President of the Russian Federation, I have not missed any opportunity to use military force rather than good judgment, I have made sure the LGBT community and other minorities are treated like second-class citizens, and I am not too keen on people voting," stated Putin to a large crowd at the Kremlin.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/President_of_Russia
Vladimir Putin takes the Presidential Oath in Russia (5.7.12). (Above)
 (Photo: Sasha Krotov)
Putin continued, "In fact, I think I can teach Republicans one or two things. As President of the Russian Federation and President of the United States, I will make sure any casualties in the multiple wars I will wage won't be released to the public. And while America's history of slavery and racism is impressive, I think a national secret police is needed to truly clampdown on undesirable groups."


All Republican presidential candidates - with the exception of loose canon, xenophobe, and billionaire Donald Trump - dropped out of the race less than an hour after President Putin announced his American presidential candidacy, and every one of the dropouts endorsed Putin.

Trump declared he would not stop running for the Republican presidential nomination unless Putin paid him "a lot of rubles or whatever they use in Russia," and the Kremlin announced a glowing briefcase had been delivered to Trump Tower this evening "just for Trump."



The Republican Party and right-wing propaganda outlets across America dismissed the Democratic Party's concern Putin could not legally run for president, and quickly produced a long-form birth certificate showing Putin was born in Bangor, Maine.

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