"Okay. You guys totally got me. I lost the contest. I am now in charge of this place thanks to the uncompromising House Freedom Caucus, the Kangaroo Committee on Benghazi, and House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's big mouth," announced a vanquished Speaker Ryan.
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| Paul Ryan speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in March 2014. (Photo: Gage Skidmore) |
Ryan added, "Americans won't know what hit them now. I am in favor of shutting down the government, and privatizing Social Security and Medicare. The only things I really want the government to pay for are corporate socialism and military socialism."
"The American people are strong and can fend for themselves, because if I get my way they are not going to have much of a choice. I have a heck of a lot more in common with the Teabaggers in this chamber than I do with average Americans," explained Ryan.
"If I lose, America loses. So everyone better strap in, because this is not going to be pretty," warned Ryan, as he curled two 25-pound dumbbells to work on his biceps.
John Boehner was last seen running for the nearest Capitol Building exit.