10.08.2015

Hillary Ingested Shrooms Prior to Statement Opposing TPP

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the campaign of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced the candidate was under the influence of shrooms when she voiced opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) yesterday. Hillary Clinton confirmed she ingested "a lot" of shrooms just before claiming she opposed TPP, and confessed it would be ridiculous for Americans to believe such a statement in light of her negotiating and promoting of TPP as Secretary of State - and continuing to promote TPP after resigning.


"Secretary Clinton ingested shrooms before stating she no longer supported a trade deal she worked on for years. Hillary also thought she was being followed by a polka dotted bear that was spitting fire at her while it played a banjo, and that has about as much footing in reality as her opposition to TPP," stated Maxwell Jinks, a senior staffer working for the Clinton campaign.

 "Defense.gov photo essay 091203-N-0696M-239" by U.S. Navy Petty Officer 1st Class Chad J. McNeeley.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. (Above)
(Photo: U.S. Navy Petty Officer 1st Class Chad J. McNeeley)

Jinks continued, "The campaign remains unaware of how Secretary Clinton came into contact with the shrooms, and is conducting an internal investigation into that matter. The American people should disregard what Hillary said about not supporting TPP anymore. Even we know it's a ridiculous claim."


Clinton briefly addressed the press regarding being under the influence of shrooms.

"Obviously, if I said I no longer supported TPP that would be a clear indication to Americans that I cannot be trusted, because I will say and do anything to be elected president. I'll try to make sure I never ingest shrooms again," said Clinton.


Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders applauded Clinton for being honest and admitting she still supported TPP, which he has vehemently opposed from the beginning. He also "wished her the best of luck" in her struggle to avoid ingesting shrooms.

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