10.24.2015

GOP Slams Sanders' Evil Plans to Feed Hungry, Help Poor, Sick

LAST UPDATED @ 2:06PM (10.24.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all of the Republican presidential candidates condemned Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for publicly declaring he planned to feed the hungry, as well as help the poor, sick, elderly, and other struggling Americans. The Republican field was unanimous in its derision of the socialist policies espoused by Sanders, which would treat the most vulnerable Americans as actual people and respected members of the nation's community.


"This Bernie Sanders guy is like a socialist, a communist guy. He wants to feed people who cannot afford food, and save the lives of the sick, and help the poor, and college kids, and the elderly, and illegals, and on and on. That is not what I mean when I say I want to "make America great again,'" explained Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump.

Bernie Sanders speaking at an event in Phoenix, Arizona. 
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Trump continued, "When I say I want to 'make America great again' I am talking about more tax cuts and free stuff for the rich, and low-wage jobs for the rest of you people, who think I became a billionaire by creating stable, high-paying jobs. Are you people really such huge idiots?"


Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush condemned Sanders' "wacky socialist agenda" to help the poor, sick, and others for being "evil, unAmerican, and something the Jesus I know would never, ever do."

Retired neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson asserted, "Helping all of these people doesn't make sense to Republicans, who want to kill Social Security, Medicare, and all the other socialist programs."


Upon hearing Carson's statement, every remaining Republican presidential candidates simply indicated they agreed with the doctor, and hoped they would be president to preside over the death of every last socialist program.

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