10.02.2015

GOP Candidates to Make Every Campaign Event "Mandatory Gun Zone"


WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - In the wake of yet another senseless mass shooting in America, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced its presidential candidates had pledged to make every future campaign event - including debates - a "mandatory gun zone" to show their support for a gross misreading of the Second Amendment. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus denied Republican candidates were forced to choose whether to support the mandatory gun zone edict or drop out of the race, and declared candidates were required to give a gun to any supporter that showed up at a campaign event without one.


Many Republican presidential candidates had a unique response to the mandatory gun zone order:

  • Former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush greeted supporters from behind three 5-inch bullet proof glass screens at his first mandatory gun zone campaign event.

  • Billionaire Donald Trump spoke to armed supporters earlier today while holding a flamethrower and having his body guards point their pistols at the crowd.

  • Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) carried two M-16 rifles with him as he worked a crowd of supporters in Iowa.

  • Former neurosurgeon Ben Carson confiscated the guns of all his supporters at a rally in Iowa today, and gifted them "laser guns," which appeared to be gun-shaped laser pointers.

  • Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) announced today all of his future campaign events would take place via video conference, but he "would be glad" to give anyone who watched him a gun "if they did not already have one."

  • Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie all but begged one of his four supporters in New Hampshire to take a shot at him to "fire up his campaign." None of his supporters obliged Christie. 

  • Fired Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina swapped all the American-made bullets contained in the guns of her supporters with cheap, Chinese-made rubber bullets.

  • Former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee refused to give supporters access to his campaign event in Iowa today unless they had both a gun and a Bible.

  • Governor of Ohio John Kasich randomly fired complimentary "Kasich 2016" beanbags from a rifle during a rally in his home state.


The following Republican candidates promised to make every future campaign event a mandatory gun zone once they found supporters:

  • Former Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) 
  • Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
  • Governor of Louisiana Piyush "Bobby" Jindal
  • Former Governor of New York George Pataki
  • Former Governor of Virgina Jim Glimore
  • Senator Rand Paul (R-KY)


The National Rifle Association released a statement echoing the right-wing media's response to the latest mass shooting by praising the Republican presidential candidates "for arming themselves and not volunteering to be victims."

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