10.31.2015

Hillary to Wear Walmart Cashier Costume for Halloween

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she will dress up as a Walmart cashier for Halloween. Clinton declared her costume selection was meant to inform Americans she sat on Walmart's board of directors from 1986 to 1992, and was complicit in outsourcing American jobs to foreign sweatshops while she actively worked against labor unions.


"Another labor union just gave its support to me today. I don't know which one, but it really doesn't matter. And to prove how much it doesn't matter, I am going to dress up as a Walmart cashier tonight to give my Wall Street friends a good laugh," stated Clinton, who also confessed she had "done pretty much next to nothing" to improve working conditions at Walmart for women.

10.30.2015

Lying Republicans to Take Lies to "Safer" Conservative Media

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all of the Republican presidential candidates announced they would be taking their blatant lies and distortions to "safer" conservative propaganda outlets following Wednesday's CNBC debate where they were all confronted on some of their lies. The Republican National Committee (RNC) also declared it was "breaking up" with NBC as a result of the last debate, even as NBC promised to "better accommodate" Republican lies in the future.


"We are going to take our interviews and debates to places where we won't be called out for telling blatant lies. So we'll definitely continue talking to conservative propaganda outlets like Fox News, which is the king of broadcasting lies to people that never question them," stated Republican presidential candidate Senator Marco Rubio of Florida.

10.29.2015

Paul Ryan Officially Loses GOP Contest to Not Be Speaker

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) officially lost the Republican contest to not be Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. Speaker Ryan garnered 236 votes to succeed John Boehner (R-OH-01), and declared his defeat to what he described as "one of the most shameful American legislative bodies in our history" prior to threatening all of America with what was to come.


"Okay. You guys totally got me. I lost the contest. I am now in charge of this place thanks to the uncompromising House Freedom Caucus, the Kangaroo Committee on Benghazi, and House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's big mouth," announced a vanquished Speaker Ryan.

10.28.2015

GOP Debate to Focus on Making Rich Even Richer

LAST UPDATED @ 5:21PM (10.28.2015)

BOULDER, COLORADO (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced tonight's presidential debate on CNBC will focus on continuing the flawed economic policies that have made wealthy Americans staggeringly wealthier over the last 35 years. In order to effectively reinforce the debate's plutocratic theme, CNBC announced it will not allow Americans to livestream the debate unless they have an overpriced cable or satellite subscription that includes the network.


"Expect the Republican presidential candidates to continue ignoring objective reality by promoting trickle-down economics, and claiming it benefits all Americans. The Republican Party thinks cutting taxes on the rich and causing massive tax revenue shortfalls is the way to go," explained RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, who smirked at the press for an unnervingly long time.

10.27.2015

Ben Carson Compares Lunch Salad to Slavery

LAST UPDATED @ 1:47PM (10.27.2015)

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Around noon today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson compared his lunch salad to slavery. The midday meal complaint followed Carson's increasingly common pattern of comparing things he disliked to slavery.


"This salad has far too many croutons, and not even close to enough bacon bits or vinaigrette dressing. It's the worst thing since slavery," protested Carson, who subsequently asserted, "the chef should probably be arrested or something."

10.26.2015

Hillary: "Anyone Who Does Not Vote for Me is a Sexist"

LAST UPDATED @ 7:51PM (10.26.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton proactively branded every American who refused to vote for her "a sexist." Clinton asserted if anyone disagreed with her on policy they were "likely a sexist," but any American who did not vote for her was "definitely a sexist."


"Anyone who doesn't vote for me is a sexist. I'll debate issues with all the sexists that disagree with me, but at election time if you do not vote for me then you are an unabashed sexist and woman-hater," stated Clinton.

10.25.2015

George W. Bush Promises Never to Admit Iraq War a Mistake

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former President George W. Bush promised Americans he would never admit the war in Iraq was a mistake, because he felt "the history book people" would eventually agree his administration's decision to willingly lie about a pretext to invade another sovereign country "was totally okay." Bush was adamant about never admitting the invasion - and subsequent unplanned occupation - of Iraq was a massive mistake only a day after former British Prime Minister Tony Blair apologized for the war in Iraq.


"I will never admit fault on that whole Iraq thing, which I don't even really think about anymore. Stuff happened, we destabilized Iraq and the whole Middle East, and the American people caught on before my administration could go to war with Iran," stated Bush, who asserted former Vice President Dick Cheney was "very sad" about not invading Iran.

10.24.2015

GOP Slams Sanders' Evil Plans to Feed Hungry, Help Poor, Sick

LAST UPDATED @ 2:06PM (10.24.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all of the Republican presidential candidates condemned Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for publicly declaring he planned to feed the hungry, as well as help the poor, sick, elderly, and other struggling Americans. The Republican field was unanimous in its derision of the socialist policies espoused by Sanders, which would treat the most vulnerable Americans as actual people and respected members of the nation's community.


"This Bernie Sanders guy is like a socialist, a communist guy. He wants to feed people who cannot afford food, and save the lives of the sick, and help the poor, and college kids, and the elderly, and illegals, and on and on. That is not what I mean when I say I want to "make America great again,'" explained Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump.

10.23.2015

Bernie Sanders Asks Republicans for Benghazi Hearing

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont requested the Republican-led Select Committee on Benghazi send him a subpoena to answer questions about the September 2012 attack. Sanders asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC-04) - the committee's chair - to have him grilled during a hyper-partisan hearing after seeing how the inept Republicans running the kangaroo committee made his presidential opponent former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton stronger.


"The Select Committee on Benghazi made Hillary Clinton look tough and cool under pressure during that circus yesterday. Rep. Gowdy has helped Clinton's presidential campaign greatly, and I request the committee send me a subpoena to testify in front of it as soon as possible," stated Senator Sanders, who questioned whether the Benghazi Select Committee was "a Clinton super PAC, or something."

10.22.2015

Hillary Reads "The Pet Goat," Ignores Benghazi Questions

LAST UPDATED @ 1:15PM (10.23.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ignored all questions from the Select Committee on Benghazi, which infuriated Republican committee members. Rather than listening to and answering questions, Clinton gave the whole event very low priority and sat calmly in her chair as she read a children's book by the name of "The Pet Goat."


"I don't know what you are reading, Secretary Clinton. It certainly seems more important to you than threats to national security, protecting Americans, and responding to a crisis in a timely manner," stated a red-faced Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC-04), the chairman of the kangaroo committee.

10.21.2015

Wall Street Tells Joe Biden It Already Owns Hillary Clinton

LAST UPDATED @ 9:04PM (10.21.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden announced he would not run to be the Democratic presidential nominee in 2016. Biden cited a phone call "from some great friends on Wall Street," who told him former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had already won the Democratic Party's contest to be Wall Street's puppet in the White House.


"So these very nice people on Wall Street basically told me Hillary Clinton was already owned and operated by them. They have given her a lot of money, and she is going to owe them big time if she becomes president," stated Biden, who winked at the press.

10.20.2015

Climate Change Reframed for GOP: "Oceans Invading U.S."

LAST UPDATED @ 11:18PM (10.20.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, climate change scientists reframed their argument to appeal to Republicans by releasing "Oceans Invading U.S," a new documentary film warning Americans about a slow, insidious invasion of American soil by tyrannical oceans that surround the United States. TNA viewed the 10-minute film, which asserted, "true patriots must defend America by starving the communist-fascist oceans of an anti-American, possibly Muslim, substance called carbon dioxide."


"'Oceans Invading U.S.' does not mention climate change even once. It turns a lot of complicated scientific things into a patriotic appeal to protect the United States and its soil from very scary oceans, and tells Republicans they aren't real men like Russian President Vladimir Putin if they refuse to do what the film suggests," explained TNA Senior Researcher Dick Schneider.

10.19.2015

House GOP Budget Talks Collapse After Donut Hole Dispute

LAST UPDATED @ 2:31PM (10.19.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, House Republican budget talks quickly collapsed over a dispute about what types of donut holes should be available on the conference table for breakfast. Establishment Republicans reached an impasse with the Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party Caucus over plain donut holes and jelly donut holes, respectfully.


"What kind of people don't eat plain donut holes? Speaker Boehner suggested plain donut holes could only happen if they were glazed, because no one else but us would eat plain ones. Well, if they are glazed then they are not plain donut holes anymore," explained Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH-04), Freedom Caucus leader.

10.18.2015

Jeb Admits He Didn't Know Definition of "Safe" Until Today

LAST UPDATED @ 1:31PM (10.18.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush confessed he didn't actually know what the word "safe" meant until today. The revealing admission followed Jeb's incessant statements asserting his brother - former President George W. Bush - "kept us safe" despite nearly 3,000 Americans being killed in the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001.


"I think it is clear that I didn't actually know what the word 'safe' meant until today. This morning, one of my campaign staffers did a Moogle search or something, and finally showed me what the definition of 'safe' is," explained Bush, who appeared to be fascinated by the ease with which all his confusion had been remedied.

10.17.2015

Hillary to Wag Finger at Wall Street CEOs, Save Economy

Last Updated @ 12:25PM (10.17.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she would wag her dominate index finger at every Wall Street CEO to attend a fundraising dinner this evening in East Hampton, New York. Clinton declared her wagging finger would put the corruption of Wall Street on notice, and prevent another economic crisis just like her "cut it out" discussion with Wall Street in December 2007 averted the 2008 economic crisis.


"I intend to put Wall Street on notice tonight by vigorously wagging my finger at each one of my rich friends and donors. We don't need to reinstitute old regulatory legislation like Glass-Steagall when my wagging finger can make Wall Street feel guilty about making so much money and sticking taxpayers with the bill when the pyramid scheme inevitably collapses," stated Clinton.

10.16.2015

Vladimir Putin to Run for President as Republican

LAST UPDATED @ 7:39PM (10.16.2015)

THE KREMLIN (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin announced he was running for the Republican presidential nomination due to how much his policies overlapped with those of the GOP. Putin's announcement elicited immediate gushing from Republicans and the right-wing propaganda networks that have praised Putin's strength and intelligence for years while they condemned President Obama for not starting a war with Russia over regional conflicts.


"I have decided to run for the Republican presidential nomination, because I champion so many Republican ideals. As President of the Russian Federation, I have not missed any opportunity to use military force rather than good judgment, I have made sure the LGBT community and other minorities are treated like second-class citizens, and I am not too keen on people voting," stated Putin to a large crowd at the Kremlin.

10.15.2015

Trump Announces Formation of "Brownshirts for Trump"

LAST UPDATED @ 4:09PM (10.15.2015)

"Because brown, and everyone knows this, is my absolute favorite color. It's just such a huge and powerful color, and my Brownshirts are going to start winning and making America great again..." - Donald Trump at NYC rally on 10.15.2015

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced the formation of "Brownshirts for Trump," an elite club for his most enthusiastic supporters. The Republican frontrunner explained members of the Brownshirts will wear brown shirts and engage in political outreach operations - mainly at night - to interact with non-Trump supporters, those with "anti-American political ideas," and "anyone who doesn't look American."


"You know the fireman from Boston who beat up the homeless guy for ordering food too slowly a few days ago? He is already a Brownshirt, and his huge anger problems are going to hugely change the dialogue between my supporters and my not-so-great nonsupporters," explained Trump to a large crowd that booed at the word "nonsupporters" when the billionaire gave two thumbs down.

10.14.2015

Rhode Island Exiles Lincoln Chafee After Democratic Debate

LAST UPDATED @ 1:04PM (10.14.2015)

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations announced it was exiling former Governor Lincoln Chafee to Block Island, located approximately 13 miles south of the Rhode Island coast, following his performance at last night's Democratic presidential debate. Rhode Island Governor Gina Raimondo announced Chaffee - who was also mayor of the state's second largest city before representing Rhode Island as a US Senator - was being exiled due to a public outcry in response to his "highly embarrassing and characteristically incoherent conduct."


"Rhode Islanders saw Chafee defend his US Senate vote to repeal the last meaningful banking regulations in 1999 by stating he was essentially emotionally compromised or something, and couldn't read. Oh, and he basically said 'everyone else was doing it' on that vote and his 2001 vote for the Patriot Act," stated Governor Raimondo, who confessed, "literally no one in Rhode Island asked him to run for president."

10.13.2015

Benghazi Chair Gowdy Practicing Phrase "I Plead the Fifth"

LAST UPDATED @ 9:20AM (10.13.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC-04) - chairman of the eighth Select Committee on Benghazi -  announced his lawyers had instructed him to begin practicing the phrase "I plead the Fifth." The legal advice followed allegations Gowdy may have violated federal law when he fired Benghazi investigator Maj. Bradley Podliska - an active member of the Air Force Reserve who criticized Gowdy's investigation for focusing primarily on Hillary Clinton - and may have violated federal law again when he tried to discredit Podliska by releasing confidential information related to an active employment mediation.


"I allegedly broke some federal laws during and after the termination of Major Podliska. I guess there was a confidentiality agreement somewhere, and this thing called the Congressional Accountability Act... It's all here in this cease and desist letter from Podliska's lawyers," stated Gowdy prior to one of his lawyers pulling him off to the side.

10.12.2015

Syrian Civilians Unsure of What Air Strikes "Friendly"

SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Syrian civilians who have not fled their war-torn country declared they largely did not know what air strikes were "friendly" and what air strikes were "hostile." They also explained Russia's bombing of Syria had made identifying whether civilians were being killed by a "friendly air strike" or a "hostile air strike" even more difficult.


"Things were very confusing when the United States started launching air strikes in Syria, because President Assad was also bombing targets with no regard for collateral damage. So Syrians already had trouble determining if they were being killed by a friendly air strike or hostile air strike," explained Aleppo resident Khaled Ahmed.

10.11.2015

Carson "Wouldn't Just Stand There" If Nuclear Warhead Dropped on Him

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson announced he "wouldn't just stand there" if a nuclear warhead was dropped on him. Carson stated he "didn't care" whether the nuclear warhead "came from Russia or Ethiopa or wherever," because he "would stop it" and not allow himself "to become a victim like all those unarmed Americans who have died in America's plague of mass shootings."


"If someone tried to drop a nuclear warhead on me, there is no way I would just stand there. I would begin yelling at the warhead to disorient it as it came closer, tell everyone around me to run for safety or shoot at it if they were armed, and then just deactivate it once it hit the ground," explained Carson, who said "it wouldn't be brain surgery," and dismissed reporters who told him nuclear warheads never reached the ground before exploding.

10.10.2015

Hillary Clinton to Legally Change Name to "Bernie Sanders"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was going to legally change her name to "Bernie Sanders." Clinton's decision to change her name followed weeks of her claiming to have exactly the same progressive positions as rival Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who continued to gain on Clinton in various polls of likely Democratic primary voters.


"Not only do I believe everything Bernie Sanders believes, but we have exactly the same name now. Or at least we will once all that legal stuff goes through," stated Clinton, who claimed she "definitely wanted to break up the banks" that largely funded her presidential campaign.

10.09.2015

House Teabaggers to Burn Down Capitol Building Oct 31st

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, teabaggers in the House of Representatives stated they "didn't care" who was the next Speaker of the House and announced their intention to burn down the Capitol Building after years of failing to completely paralyze the government, make it default on its debts, and destroy the American economy. The teabagging members of Congress explained they "were tired" of trying to use "unAmerican and unpatriotic law-based methods" to impose their uncompromising extreme-right objectives on the country, and were "being forced to burn down the Capitol Building by Republican liberals."


"We have tried yelling, not compromising, yelling some more, throwing things, not compromising some more, and just being some of the most unpleasant and deranged people possible to get what we want. Well, it is just not working so as the true American patriots teabaggers are, we have concluded burning down the Capitol Building is our only recourse," explained Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX-01), who appeared to have a mild twitch.

10.08.2015

Hillary Ingested Shrooms Prior to Statement Opposing TPP

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the campaign of Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton announced the candidate was under the influence of shrooms when she voiced opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) yesterday. Hillary Clinton confirmed she ingested "a lot" of shrooms just before claiming she opposed TPP, and confessed it would be ridiculous for Americans to believe such a statement in light of her negotiating and promoting of TPP as Secretary of State - and continuing to promote TPP after resigning.


"Secretary Clinton ingested shrooms before stating she no longer supported a trade deal she worked on for years. Hillary also thought she was being followed by a polka dotted bear that was spitting fire at her while it played a banjo, and that has about as much footing in reality as her opposition to TPP," stated Maxwell Jinks, a senior staffer working for the Clinton campaign.

10.07.2015

O'Reilly: Corporate "Free Stuff" Good, American "Free Stuff" Bad

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News loose canon Bill O'Reilly stated the government giving corporations "free stuff" was patriotic, but the government giving the American people "free stuff" was "absolute socialism" and "outrageously anti-American." O'Reilly presented his "fair and balanced" strongly held, fact-challenged insights on "free stuff" during the entertainment network's morning show "Fox & Friends," and railed against Democrats in general, and Hillary Clinton and "that terrible socialist" Bernie Sanders, specifically.


O'Reilly's endorsement of corporate socialism/reverse socialism - which has kept military contractors flush with cash and allowed American corporations to stash trillions of dollars in untaxed profits in offshore accounts - was described by O'Reilly as "affordable." In stark contrast, O'Reilly asserted utilizing democratic socialism to fund things like infrastructure projects, free state college tuition to qualifying students, guaranteed healthcare to all American citizens, and expansion of Social Security was "too expensive."

10.06.2015

Carly Fiorina Campaign Staff Demand Prepayment for Services

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the campaign staff of Republican presidential candidate and fired Hewlett-Packard (HP) CEO Carly Fiorina demanded they receive prepayment for their services. The demand cited Fiorina's refusal to pay campaign staff - and others - after losing her 2010 bid to unseat Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), her general mismanagement of funds during that campaign, and "a clear pattern of maliciousness directed at employees" dating as far back as her time at HP.


"We are behind Carly's bid for the presidency 110%, and are not trying to be greedy. However, we would be remiss if we did not voice our concern about whether we will be paid every week. There are still people she hasn't paid from that 2010 campaign," stated Larson Hoff, a low-level Fiorina staffer who asserted he needed money "to gain consistent access to food and a place to live."

10.05.2015

Wall Street Tells Americans Stock Market Will Never Go Down, Invest Now

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Wall Street released a statement to the American people urging them "to invest every last penny they could find in the stock market." The Wall Street proclamation promised Americans the stock market was "completely solid and not grossly overvalued due to market manipulation," and that it would "never go down in value."


"All the American people need to know is now is the time to invest. Ignore all the distractions out there like the recent Chinese stock market crash, the fact corporations are using their profits to purchase more of their own stock to greatly overvalue it, and the collapsing commodity market," urged the statement from Wall Street, which did not reveal its author.

10.04.2015

Study: Most Americans Not Important Enough to Need Gun for Protection

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) -  Today, the results of a TNA study regarding guns being used for personal protection was released. The data concluded most Americans were not important enough to have to worry about ever using a gun for self-defense, and discovered most Americans who believed they needed a gun for self-defense had poor reasoning skills, overestimated their importance, and were suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.


"There are a lot of people out there who think they are so important or they have so many enemies, or both, they believe having a gun is necessary for protection. Some actually compare themselves to an important figure like President Obama, and assert if he does not think they should have guns for self-defense then he should not have armed bodyguards protecting him," explained TNA Senior Researcher Dick Schneider.

10.03.2015

Jeb Bush to Wear Shock Collar, Transition to "Nonverbal Campaign"

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Republican presidential campaign of former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced Jeb would wear a shock collar "to prevent him from speaking, which is not in his best interest if he wants to win the White House." The transition to a "nonverbal campaign" followed a rising slew of insensitive, politically tone deaf comments that showed Jeb to be completely out of touch with reality, and the majority of the American people.


"Usually, being out of touch with reality is a huge net positive for Republican presidential candidates during the primaries, but Jeb is not saying the correct things to patronize the base. Instead, he seems to be taking every opportunity to show Americans that his brother George W. Bush is the smart one," stated Nancy Bog, a senior campaign spokesperson.

10.02.2015

GOP Candidates to Make Every Campaign Event "Mandatory Gun Zone"


WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - In the wake of yet another senseless mass shooting in America, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced its presidential candidates had pledged to make every future campaign event - including debates - a "mandatory gun zone" to show their support for a gross misreading of the Second Amendment. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus denied Republican candidates were forced to choose whether to support the mandatory gun zone edict or drop out of the race, and declared candidates were required to give a gun to any supporter that showed up at a campaign event without one.


Many Republican presidential candidates had a unique response to the mandatory gun zone order:

10.01.2015

America Slowly Backs Away from Syria as Russia Launches Air Strikes

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the White House refused to confirm reports the United States military had started to slowly back away from Syria immediately after Russia started airstrikes in the war-torn country. President Obama declared he "really hoped" brutal Syrian President Bashar al-Assad would not be saved by his Russian ally President Putin, but also confessed, "it would not be the worst thing in the world if Russia was left holding the bag in Syria."


"The United States condemns the horrible brutality of the Islamic State, and the regime of President Assad. America, like the rest of the world, wants to see Syria stabilized and become an orderly partner in the global neighborhood of nations," stated President Obama, who did not protest when an unidentified member of the press asked if it would be "okay" if Assad won the civil war.

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