9.26.2015

Pentagon Defends F-35 Over Wings Randomly Falling Off "Glitch"

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter defended the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter from critics who claimed the aircraft's wings randomly falling off was "a serious and potentially dangerous design flaw." Lockheed Martin announced it was "looking into the alleged wing malfunction," and would require "no less than another billion or so" to remedy what it classified as "a low-priority design glitch."


"The F-35 is just going through some growing pains right now, and Lockheed Martin has promised to design a fix for the wings randomly falling off within 24 months," stated Carter, who pointed out the turnaround time was "amazing considering all the other delays."

In July of this year a World War I-era 1917 Sopwith Camel biplane (Top Left) defeated an allegedly modern F-35 (Top Right) in 14 separate dogfights.

Carter added, "Unfortunately, we are so committed to this flying white elephant we just need to tweak the design and throw more money into the F-35 money hole."


An unidentified member of the press asked Carter how many hungry Americans could be fed, or sick Americans be given free healthcare, or schools and bridges be constructed, or any number of sensible domestic spending projects be funded with the trillions the Pentagon expected to spend on the F-35 when all was said and done.


"This press conference is over,'" replied Carter, who made a hasty retreat to another room.

Lockheed Martin offered to build new bridges for the nation at considerable taxpayer expense, and refused to promise their bridges would not fall down during their "civilian testing stage."

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