9.12.2015

Mike Huckabee Asserts Confederate States of America Never Surrendered

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee announced the Confederate States of America never officially surrendered during the Civil War and still existed. Huckabee's declaration followed his assertion earlier in the week the Supreme Court's 1857 Dred Scott ruling remained "the law of the land" in a sophomoric comparison to the Supreme Court's recent ruling legalizing same-sex marriage.
"Not only are black Americans ineligible for citizenship, because the Supreme Court said so in 1857, but slavery is still legal due to the fact the Confederate States of America never officially surrendered to the Unites States of America in the Civil War," stated Huckabee, who told the press he "didn't know much" about the Thirteenth Amendment and Fourteenth Amendment, or "history and civics in general."

Huckabee at 2014 CPAC in Maryland. (PHOTO: Gage Skidmore)

Huckabee added, "So I have contacted the government of the Confederate States of America (CSA) in Richmond, Virginia and officially registered as a Republican presidential candidate to hedge my bets. As President of the Confederate States of America, I pledge to finally put an end to the Civil War and make our union whole again."
Governor Huckabee promised that as CSA president "good Christians" like Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis - the woman who refused to issue a marriage license to any same-sex couple, because "the Bible" - would not be forced to follow any law they disagreed with, no matter how reasonable or constitutional.

As the press conference was winding down, men with nets wearing white uniforms reading "Bellevue Hospital" sprinted for Huckabee - who tried to run back into Kim Davis' house in his robe and slippers - and successfully caught him after his third escape from the New York City mental health facility.


Bellevue Hospital informed TNA that Huckabee was being transported to the Brook Hospital in Louisville for electroconvulsive therapy - also known as electroshock therapy - prior to being returned Bellevue.

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