9.11.2015

CDC: Listening To "Mad Republicans" Causes Concussion-like Symptoms

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) warned Americans that listening to Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Ted Cruz, and anyone else classified as a "Mad Republican" for even a minute "will absolutely result in concussion-like symptoms." CDC Director Dr. Tom Frieden explained the grade of concussion-like symptoms an American risked depended on how far to the right the Mad Republican speaker they listened to was.


"Americans risk severe grade 3 concussion-like symptoms after only one minute of listening to Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, Glenn Beck, Ben Carson, anyone from the show "Duck Dynasty," Sarah Bachmann, all House Republicans, and virtually everyone on Fox 'News,'" stated Frieden, who explained the list was far from comprehensive, and also ignored most of the hopeless Republican presidential candidates.

Sarah Palin speaking at the 2014 CPAC in Maryland. (Above) Listening to
Palin for even a minute can result in sever grade 3 concussion-like symptoms.
(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Frieden continued, "Grade 3 concussions are the worst, and the concussion-like symptoms Americans can expect are memory loss, swelling and bleeding in the brain, poor focus and reasoning skills, dizziness, headaches, and blurred vision. It must also be noted that loss of consciousness always occurs during a grade 3 concussion, but no loss of consciousness occurs while listening to Mad Republicans - just 'critical thinking death.'"


"Grade 2 concussion-like symptoms are risked whenever Americans listen to someone like Carly Fiorina, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, John Kasich, Rand Paul, and others that would be classified as being a "Rhino" by conservatives. While less serious, Americans still risk confusion and memory loss," explained Frieden, who urged Americans to reduce their exposure to Rhinos.

Dr. Frieden believed every extremely angry and/or mentally unhinged Mad Republican "was not born that way, but turned into a Mad Republican by another Mad Republican they were listening to. The CDC has never seen anything like it, and patient zero has likely been dead for centuries or longer."

The CDC announced that health warnings would be given to Americans detailing the extreme health risks they were taking by listening to a Mad Republican prior to a Mad Republican speaking.

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