Bigots Travel From Around America to Yell at Kentucky Same-Sex Couples

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, bigots from around the country assembled in front of the building Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis worked out of so they could yell obscenity-laced threats of physical harm and spiritual damnation at same-sex couples seeking to get a marriage license. Many of the hateful, ignorant people who bravely assailed same-sex couples for exercising their legal rights affirmed that their petty intolerance draped in religion was more important than the Constitution and the rule of law.

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"I came all the way from Wisconsin to support Kim Davis and see her violate the law again, but she allowed her assistant clerks to issue marriage licenses today. Davis claimed she would not authorize any of them, and that they were likely invalid since her divine name wasn't on them. That was good enough for me, especially since I mainly came here to yell at people," stated Nancy Falconi, a waitress from Milwaukee.

Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis explains she won't issue marriage licenses
to gay couples, because she hates America and the Constitution.
(AP PHOTO/TIMOTHY D. EASLEY)

Falconi continued, "There was a lot of yelling for Jesus today. A ton of other Christians had the same idea I had, which shows that great minds think alike. We were all very committed to making sure no same-sex couple looking for a marriage license got by us without being called 'sodomites,' or a 'hell-bound sinners,' or something equally terrible."

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"I don't think Kim Davis has any idea how far my wife and I traveled to see her continue to be a criminal in the name of Jesus. Even though Davis was not arrested we did have a real hoot doing the other thing we came here to do, which was hollerin' at all the gays and lesbians," stated Chet Mellowsands, an unemployed phlebotomist.

Other bigots came from as far as Oregon  - where they claimed it was difficult to find "like-minded imbeciles" - and Alaska - where it was allegedly not so difficult.